


Monster

by kingjared (Moosicalmoose)



Category: In the Flesh (TV), Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Human Volunteer Force (In The Flesh), I don't usually do this omg i'm kind of nervous???, In The Flesh AU, Little different from the series, Love letters and confessions, M/M, Maybe just slightly out of character, Mentions of PTSD, Minor Character Death, Not as zombie-ish as you'd think, PDS sufferer!Cas, Partially Deceased Syndrome, Sad Dean Winchester, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Some minor violence and close calls, Spin Off, Underage Drinking, hvf!dean, mentions of depression and anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-07-26 15:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 77,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7580548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moosicalmoose/pseuds/kingjared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas got up from the bed, snapping at Dean. The growling didn't even sound like his usual gravelly voice anymore. Now, it was almost like a squeal or whine; he sounded like, - like a monster. </p>
<p>At the last minute possible before he was bit, Dean shouted a hiss and shuffled away. He stood tall with his gun pointed in between those unblinking, bloodthirsty eyes with snapping teeth. He loaded it with shaky hands barely able to do such a simple job. One bullet was all he needed. Throat a dessert with a lump in it, heart running its own marathon and his body stiff, rigid. </p>
<p>He was gonna do it. He was going to shoot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, it's my first time actually working on something like this nonetheless posting something so it might be a little hectic but any tips and feedback are praised. Please enjoy ((:
> 
> EDIT: I made this like months before I posted it, so I wrote it pretty much a looonggg time ago and looking back at it now, it’s pretty cringey and embarrassing. At least to me. I had no experience (not that I have a lot now) and I actually sucked at writing this. It had no point really and not much of a climax to build up to. Some plot randomly popped up and didn’t make sense. Just warning you, it’s unrealistic character wise and it’s pretty badly plotted. But if you want to keep reading it without paying attention to that, then enjoyyyyyyy. P.S. Thank you for the reads and kudo’s! I appreciate them all.

**_PROLOGUE_ **

++ 

It was a nice chilly day, rare for downtown Phoenix. Very rare actually and Cas wondered what he did for the perfect weather that highlighted Dean Winchester's cheekbones that slid into a slight dimple on both sides of his smiling face. Cas could tell he was happy too, possibly as happy as Cas, but he didn't believe that because right now Cas didn't think he had been any happier.

The two of them had finally escaped the duties and chores from the city and wanted to go exploring aside from the empty town that dwelled with scared citizens and guards running the streets. And from the smile that found it's way onto Dean's face meant that they were both thankful that they had found this place.

Many months ago, Dean had suggested that they skipped the video games and went outside for once, and what they found after a blank thirty minute walk from the city, nearby the ropes that kept the city trapped in, was a forest. With trees that were tall enough to be considered apart of the clouds and a calm water stream, and with the cloudy weather the green that surrounded them, Cas was in awe. All he wanted to do was snap a picture and savor the moment forever. So he decided he would when he saw Dean kicking the rocks with his boot, his thigh holster taken off and no signs of war on his young face that seemed older than he was. In the moment Dean looked.. _normal._

"Man," Dean started with a dopey smile. He brought his shirt up to wipe the sweat rolling from his chin, "It feels great to get away from that place. It was too empty and sad." Cas looked up from his half bent position rummaging through his bag for the big camera, passing a shy smile towards the other boy.

"Yeah. It does." He agreed, finally pulling the Polaroid from the brown bag then dumping it to the ground. "Smile Dean." He brought the black lens up to his eyes, shutting one eye and saw his friend smiling with his arms up, the stream behind him and the breeze waving his shirt towards the left.

_Click!_

Cas pulled the camera down. Carefully grabbing the photo and waited as the white image turned into little bits of color while Dean walked over in the meantime. "The colors seem to pop in the picture." Dean added over Cas's shoulder, even though they couldn't see much yet. The grey clouds were white but still Cas could see bits of azure blue spilling over the sky in as much space as the clouds didn't fill. Cas agreed silently nodding his head.

"Come on, let's take one of us by the water."

Dean took the picture from Cas's hands, setting it down on a nearby rock. Dean took Cas's wrist and dragged the shorter boy down the rocks, not stopping until their shoes barely touched the water. Outstretching an arm into the air with the camera pointed at the smiling boys, Dean pulled his arm around Cas' waist and in return Cas leaned his head closer to get in the frame. They both smiled widely into the camera.

_Click!_

Cas pulled away before Dean, turning towards the light to try and read the picture. While he waited he hooked the rope that attached to the camera then looped it around his neck so he wouldn't have to hold the camera. He knew it wouldn't hold very long since it was a makeshift and very itchy, that was why he brought the bag along, but he didn't feel confident about this one so he'd keep it nearby just in case.

Dean picked up a few rocks and tossed them into the water with a contempt smile. He threw a heavier rock with a grunt and stood back as he watched it sink to the bottom.

"This one's blurry," He frowned.

Dean turned around with a shrug. "So let's take another."

Cas rolled his eyes. "It's not that. I barely have any more film."

Dean stepped over a rock the size of Cas's head and took the blurry picture with confusion written on his face. "Didn't you buy the last package from Mrs. Wizzy a week ago?"

Cas opened the back of the camera with a deepening frown, only two left. But Dean was correct, he had 20 just a few days ago, and the city wasn't exactly one to keep refilling the expensive packages, not with all that was happening here so Cas has been savoring everything before it all went down. 

He couldn't help it, if he saw something aesthetically pleasing, he snapped a photo.

Wordlessly, Cas gathered Dean in the same spot and told Dean to take it since he had longer arms. Dean agreed and threw the blurry one towards the previous but instead landing on the leaves. Dean put his arms around Cas's shoulders this time and Cas with his around Dean's, the stream flowing calmly in the back they both cheesed the camera with wide smiles that turned into soft laughter.

_Click!_

"I feel better about this one."

"Me too." Dean handed Cas the camera. "Hey, i've gotta get something from the car so i'll be right back." He said, throwing a thumb behind him. Cas nodded, turning to put the camera into the bag.

By the time he turned around again Dean was out of sight.

In the meantime, Cas took the time to look at the processed pictures. Running his hand against the itchy spot the rope had just been, he gathered the pictures. The first with Dean had came out perfect, and the second made Cas' heart stutter.

Dean's tan arm stretched outwards, farther than Cas could for the first, which meant half of their bodies were showing too. And instead of happily smiling into the camera, Dean was smiling at _Cas._

Green eyes focused on Cas's smiling face with an even bigger smile on his, both boys looped around each other and held closely. Cas had been too busy laughing to even notice that Dean's face was close to his - which by the way, was pretty close - almost touching his cheek with his open smiling mouth.

Cas pocketed the photos, perking up at the sound of branches breaking which meant Dean must be back. Cas turned with a chuckle when he felt a cold hand on his shoulder. "I can't believe you-"

All Cas heard was a growl before he was knocked to the ground, and _hard_. So hard he hit his head on the rock that held their bag and immediately he felt the liquid run from his scalp. "Augh." He groaned, shifting away from the body on top of him, but he didn't have much time.

_There was yet another rabid attacking him._

_No_ , Cas thought. This was their spot, their happiness, their escape when things got too much to handle. In all the months Cas and Dean had hung out here there hadn't been a single rabid to step foot in this forest, they couldn't start finding this place now of all time. The government are now saying there has been more rabid population than humans lately, and it's growing by the day. Which meant more guard shifts for them. 

His breathing hitched, his heart banging against his rib cage like a hummingbird while he shuffled in the leaves desperately trying to claw away, even though he knew clawing the dirt would do nothing. Cas tried screaming for help, as loud as he could he screamed but it soon fell off key then silent, and though his life was on the line, when he saw blonde spikes Cas stopped. Cas stopped fighting enough to take a good look at the face, to check if it was Dean or not.

He didn't get that chance though.

Cas had let out the most powerful scream he'd ever let escape from his mouth, an ear piercing growl from the bottom of his abdomen. It was so loud he shocked his own self. Panting wildly he tried kicking the thing away with a sob, grabbing Dean's gun from the holster before shooting the rabids head, just like he was taught. Just like he did all the others. 

The rabid got one more claw at him before it went down immediately, it's nails stopped clawing at the red marks on his body and the growling jolted to a stop, left limp on Cas with black goo spilling everywhere.

He fell onto the leaves. Dropping the gun and pushing the limp body off of him with a cry. He looked down at the blood spilling from his hip. It stung badly and he felt the throbbing all through his body, like a pulse maybe, even though his was slowing at a deathly pace. He put the pressure of his stinging hand down on his hip where he could still feel the teeth that bit into his hip bone.

"Cas!"

He heard his name being called but it sounded far, far away. Cas saw Dean worriedly packing everything and then looking to Cas with a certain sadness in his eyes, but still Dean was far away from Cas. He felt the hands on his head, then wiping his tears, but the touch felt far away, too. It all went over his head really, maybe it was the concussion or the blood loss but he felt loopy, and his mood turned gloomy because this was it, he thought. It wouldn't be long until he turned into one of those _things_ running the streets. 

He wondered who would take him down or how long he had until he changed. Maybe he'd be able to run away so he couldn't attack anyone he knew.

Cas lazily reached for Dean, even in his loopy state he appreciated the fact that it wasn't him. "Cas? Buddy, just hold on. We're gonna take you to your aunt and she's gonna take care of that head of yours and you'll be just fine, alright?"

Cas realized that his jacket must've covered the bite because all Dean seemed to be caring about was his head. Pushing a bandanna to his hair and rubbing small circles into his neck, murmuring things. Those things soon stopped when he heard the rumble of Dean's car then jerking forward from the sudden speed. Dean even turned his precious music off, and that was pretty rare for his music addicted friend.

"Don't you dare die on me, Castiel." Dean growled.

Still out of it Cas fought roughly to catch one last look at Dean's face. Though he didn't like that their last moment staring at each other Dean had been distressed terribly, Cas only sent him a dopey smile. Even fighting the way his heart dropped at the name, flinching backwards with a jerk in his neck and a tight grimace in hatred at the single name. He shook his head to clear away his memories seeping into his imagination.

Everything was going in and out of deep darkness then loud worried calls and green flashing quickly through the window.

"You know I hate when you use my full name, Dean." He said. He could feel the blood pushing and oozing through both his hands and the bandana but he didn't dare say a word.

"Yeah. Well, now you know i'm being dead serious." Dean retorted. Cas only hacked a laugh at the circumstances and Dean linked their fingers in fear. 

Cas closed his eyes for only a second because his eyes were _so_ dry, but when he closed them he couldn't beat it anymore, the need to sleep was unbearable. But it was okay, Cas thought.

"It's okay." He told himself aloud, and to Dean. He could feel the loopy daze of sleep taking over his body and his fingers uncurled from the warm ones tightly gripping his.

 

+++++++

 

"Cas?" Dean hollered through the empty house. He hadn't heard anything from Cas in a few days and today was the last straw. He was breaking in to check for himself since even Cas's aunt had ignored him. _Rude_ , he thought. He knew that woman all his life and she thought he couldn't tell when she was lying.

It made sense that the house would be locked up and quite. Usually on a Thursday it would be Cas reading a book while his aunt worked the hospital shifts, whether the boys argued or not Cas' aunt would still be there out of the goodness of her heart.

"Cas?" He called again, running the hallway. "I came to check on you since I haven't heard anything in days." Dean cupped his hands around his mouth as he hollered.

Dean scowled at the lack of response or even any signs of anyone living in the house for days. The kitchen empty of dishes that Cas saved for midnight and the open cabinet showed an empty wood row that was normally packed with Cas' favorite snack, peanut butter toast with honey on top. Sometimes nutella or jam, it was the only thing the picky guy would eat nowadays.

He turned around to look at the house which happened to be empty and a mess.

Dean ran up the stairs now. This wasn't normal, this wasn't the home he practically grew up in. Something was wrong.

By the time he made it into Cas' aunt's room, Jallie, his mind was racing and his lips parted into a frown. Her room a rushed hurry out. The dresser drawer opened and thrown, missing the usual clothes and the room torn into pieces, even the bed was pushed in a weird angle.

His instincts told him to pull his gun out by now but Dean ignored that and instead pulled his gun around to the back of his thigh.

Dean called out once more, tiptoeing till he reached the door filled with familiar band logo's and even a 'keep out' that he passed along to the brunette. The door squeaked open dangerously slow and he held his breath, tongue pushing against his teeth, the name on the tip of his tongue.

"Cas?" He puzzled out. He was panting slightly, his mouth dry and eyes stuck open.

There he was. Laying in bed with a white bandage on his forehead, his crazy hair smoothed down and he looked pale as a ghost, slightly blue chapped lips closed shut. He was moving around slightly, with mumbles of something under his breath.

Dean knew for a fact that Cas sleeps with his mouth open and he sure as hell doesn't sleep peacefully on his back. The slob always landed half off the bed on his stomach and the thing he always had to remind Cas to do was brush his hair. Dean sat and waited, because maybe Cas would fully wake up and explain to him what happened, but then he  _growled_.

Dean stared at first. It was all he could do. He was frozen in his spot even dropping his flashlight until Cas started moving more, growling louder, and soon the pair of eyes looking around would land on Dean.

"No, Cas." He stated at the moving body. "No," He repeated, shaking his head and cowering backwards, slowly making eye contact with those lifeless white eyes and black goo spilling from his blue mouth, black veins and scratches matching.

Cas got up from the bed, snapping at Dean. The growling didn't even sound like his usual gravelly voice anymore. Now, it was almost like a squeal or whine; he sounded like, - like a _monster_. 

Dean sat there with his lip starting to quiver. Because it was then he realized that when he carried Cas in, he was already gone, and he didn't know. "Why didn't you tell me, Cas?" He asked. He knew he wouldn't get an answer but still, he talked to what was supposed to be a monster, but all Dean saw was his best friend. The person he saw everyday since he was just five. 

Dean stepped forward, he didn't know what he was trying to attempt but he stepped forward.

Cas had it all covered though, no longer slow and injured but moving swiftly, any signs of a concussion or bite was long gone. He _flung_ forward with another growl then Dean was on the ground with Cas scratching deep into his chest with loud painful gasps from Dean.

"It's okay, Cas." He soothed with a cry, he was beginning to bleed and it was burning badly. "It's okay, buddy," He felt his skin about to break and Cas growled loudly, trying to get him. 

At the last minute possible before he was bit, Dean shouted a hiss and shuffled away. He stood clumsily with his gun pointed in between those unblinking, bloodthirsty eyes with snapping teeth. He loaded it with shaky hands barely able to do such a simple job. One bullet was all he needed in the gun. Throat a dessert with a lump in it, heart running its own marathon and his body was stiff, rigid. 

He was gonna do it. He was going to shoot.

Cas stood his ground instead, sitting there snapping and growling. He was about to pounce again but Dean _couldn't_. He unloaded the gun with a powerful sniffle and mean grimace as he kept whispering the last words that he said to him in the car, he said it once more.

Instead this time, Cas, it _wasn't_ okay.

Pushing him away, he got up and ran out of the door and locked his friend in, leaving with the bangs and nails scraping against the wood door and the menacing growl ringing in his ears, mind on those dead eyes that used to be bright blue that matched the sky, now colorless and plain white that haunted his dreams. His chest was spilling blood and he might even need stitches but right now he didn't care. Instead, he ran to the next door over, grabbed the first aid kit and slammed his door so hard it rung throughout the house.

"Dean?" His little brother, Sam called worriedly knocking.

"Go away Sam." Dean locked the door and made his way onto the bed.

Only hissing when he tried to ignore the fact that he could see the monster that attacked him still banging on the door through the window straight across from his.

It would be the first time ever without waving goodnight across the street to his friend. When Dean was done stitching up the scratches he closed every one of his curtains till his room was dark as night, even though it was only noon.


	2. Coming home - 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's four years later, Cas is back home and Dean sees something shocking enough to make him nearly scream like a girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update shall be next tuesday, or maybe before that. Hope you enjoy (:

_**4 years later.** _

 "I heard there's a lot coming home today." Sam said, yawning in the hallway with messy hair and head bobbing towards the news on the tv. Dean muted it and looked back with his mouth open and a confused scowl. He was talking about the new Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferers coming back to town, like the young college student down the road, or Sam's doctor a few streets ahead of them. All coming back to live their normal life again as if nothing happened.

"Our town?" Sam nodded. "Yeah. I think it'll be good." Sam walked over with two steaming cups and offered one to Dean, who accepted with a tight lipped smile. He had been meaning to get some of the coffee he made half an hour ago but was too lazy to move from the couch.

"How is that good?" Dean scoffed, sipping the steaming coffee, but deciding it was too hot to drink and set the cup on the table closest to him, flopping back down.

"For the families you know? Some lost them unexpectedly. Like in the middle of the night or coming home from work. They're getting second chances."

"But they're dead." Dean piped in, adding his train of thought out loud. "Do you think they eat? Or sleep?"

"I don't think they do. I mean, if they don't have a beating heart then they probably don't have a digestive system." Dean's eyes widened, "They don't have working hearts?" Sam nodded with a sigh.

"Research Dean."

"I'm not a nerd like you." He smirked smugly and Sam glared while taking a bite of his toast. Standing up, Dean let his curious thoughts get the best of him and he stopped in the middle of the kitchen. "It just doesn't seem scientifically possible you know? Do they even feel after coming back? Waking from the dead and continuing school? Or raising kids? Hey kids, your dad is back from the dead!"

"Dean. Stop." Sam scoffed. "Don't be so closed minded. It's not like it's their fault. Oh and apparently it is scientifically possible!"

"We're literally living with zombies Sam. Tamed zombies!" He threw his hands in the air for the effect, "I mean come on. What happened to the rabids? What if they go back to that?"

"It's been years of research and we've already been living with them for months and nothing has happened. Why are you just now freaking out?" Dean faced his brother with an open mouth but saying nothing. "Besides, the most you'll see them is walking the streets or as a passing customer."

"You're such a nerd, dude." Dean shook his head with a smirk, purposely annoying his brother to get away from the topic he knew was leading to a certain someone. Just thinking about the possibility made his heart sink. 

"That's all you got out of that?" Sam spoke with annoyance laced in his expression. Dean's smirk turned into a smile. "Shut up."

"I never said anything." Dean snorted, running his hands through the disheveled blonde strands sticking up in different directions. 

"I know what you were thinking," Sam half shrugged, stuffing the last of his toast he turned towards the tv. "That counts."

"No it doesn't." Dean argued back making a face, even though he knew his brother couldn't see it. When Sam hadn't said anything back he turned towards the stairs, tying off his robe.

"Don't forget it's your turn to go grocery shopping!" Sam's voice rumbled through the chipping walls and Dean stopped mid stair. "Is it?" He asked himself. When he couldn't remember the last time if he did or not, he figured it must be.

"I made you a list so you would buy what we actually need!" Dean rolled his eyes, grumbling under his breath until he reached his room. _Of course he made a list._

He put his weight on the flimsy knob and it creaked open, his eyes stayed on the the door filled with posters covering every white spec until it was out of sight behind him. Sam said it was childish for someone his age but Dean didn't care, every time he saw the poster collage on his door, he still smiled.

Losing the robe to the ground, Dean changed into black pants and then a red long sleeve shirt. Except, when Dean grabbed the shirt from the hanger, he found himself in the mirror and saw the pink scars on his chest, remembering the news.

 _No, he can't be_ , Dean told himself. It was quiet in his room and dark too, his palms were getting sweatier the closer he shuffled to the window.

Dean didn't know what he was doing until he found himself fighting with the curtain to open, but even when he realized his actions he still fought with the curtains until sunlight seeped into his room for the first time in years, at least from the certain window. 

 _This is stupid,_ Dean notioned. Still though, he was moving the curtain out of the way until his eyes found the window lined up with his. It was a while, because he looked around the house, then at the sun filled sky and down to the backyard of his ex-friends house until finally he forced his sight towards the room of the window with his heart beat hitching higher and higher in anticipation and anxiety.

The walls were still painted a light grey, the curtains were neatly pushed back and from the edge of the neat blankets he could see that the bed was made. The scratching on the door was replaced with a brand new white door, this time without the extra posters he'd passed on throughout the years.

Dean studied the room with thoughts racing. Had Jallie redone his room in hopes he'd come back? Would he come back? What would happen if he came back? Where had Cas gone? The last question had been the most frequent one because he never heard anything, not even a gunshot, but suddenly Jallie had moved back in. Well, a sad Jallie moved back in, and she was sad for a long time. Even stayed home from the hospital for a long while, but ever since the news about the partially deceased spread he saw her smile more.

She always had high hopes for everything.

Movement brought Dean from his thoughts. Shocked, Dean stared unblinking into the room. Even resting his wide eyed gaze against the glass and a minute later shutting his mouth because he was fogging the window with his seizing breathing pattern. His eyes watered quickly but he just blinked fast enough and hoped he didn't miss anything. 

He searched every part of the room the window would allow but seeing everything still. Then, he saw it again. And since he was staring intently he knew he definitely saw it this time.

It moved again and this time Dean saw a flash of black.

It was probably Jallie, Dean thought to himself. But then no, it couldn't have been because he remembered Jallie started dying her hair blonde. Dean blinked multiple times and breathed in then out, shaking his head.

"Get a grip Winchester." He grumbled to himself whilst rubbing his eyes. His mind must be playing games on him, he just wanted to see him there, even if Dean knows the reality that he wouldn't be. Backing away and closing the dark curtains, he shot once last glance towards the room.

Pale arms moving, blue jeans walking and shaggy black hair bobbing, Cas was talking to a figure out of the frame of his window.

Dean gasped out loud. A huge intake with physical ache in his throat from how dramatic it was. Dean quickly sntached the curtain closed, tying the ends together he backed away almost tripping over a pile of clothes. It was all so quick that Dean didn't comprehend that he was already half way down the stairs. By the time he was back in actuality, he stopped shaking his head violently.

He was panting by now and his mouth was stuck open along with his eyes, the creaking wood stopping beneath his weight, "Holy crap." He slid the shirt over his shoulders. 

"Dean?" Sam called out, voice resounding through the old house.

"Y-yeah?" He croaked voice high. He cleared his throat and slowly made it down the last two stairs, "Yeah?" He tried again.

"I added som-" Sam stopped with eyebrows raised and a constipating worry on his face. "Dude, you alright? You look as pale as a ghost."

"M'fine." Dean rolled his shoulders. Pulling at his hair and pacing back and forth before deciding to go forward and snatch the list from the counter.

"Hey! I'm still adding things!"

Dean stopped and looked at the half written recipe for chicken salad. "Rabbit food. Got it." He nodded with an attempt of a teasing smile but it didn't work as planned and he found himself frowning in the direction of the house to the left, big window's lined across the hallways.

"Don't forget to get the things I didn't add." The moose patted behind him, watching as he slipped the boots over his socked feet.

"Don't worry man, I watch you make the same thing like everyday. I think I know what you put in it by now."

"I don't make it everyday. I have a schedule." Sam scoffed, "Every Monday and Friday is my salad days." Sam mumbled while crossing his arms.

"Oops, wrong plant then." He shrugged slamming the door. Even from inside his car he could hear Sam calling his name angrily and Dean rolled his eyes. Of course he was joking, if he actually _did_ get the wrong thing then he'd have to deal with it, but he was pretty confident he'd get the right one. 

With one last surprised stare at the house, Dean sped out of the driveway.

++++++

 

"Once again I apologize for not saving your room sooner."

Cas looked away from the brand new room with grateful eyes. It was more than enough for him compared to the plain room back at the center. All he had was a bed, a lamp and a few books. "Mom, no." He said quietly, he felt shy. "You didn't know and you should have no reason to feel guilty."

His aunt's eyes lit up at the name, the name he hadn't dared to use since he was so little he couldn't even remember. Or at least he thought, he couldn't exactly remember his last years quite yet. Nonetheless it was a name she deserved since his actual mother didn't. She was more of a mother to him than Sofia had ever been his whole life. 

His adoptive mother smiled kindly. Stepping forward she gathered his cold hands with her warm ones and sighed. "Always my sweet boy." She murmured, lifting one hand to rest on his cheek.

"I didn't change." He confirmed, looking down at their intertwined hands.

His mom nodded with watery blue eyes. "Can I ask..." She trailed off, the dubious clear in her voice. Cas only edged her politely to tell her it was okay. If she had a question he hadn't already been asked then he'd honestly be surprised.

"You still you know, feel... right?" She looked hesitant, as if he would get mad over her curiosity, but all Cas did was nod at the frequent question.

For some reason, asking if he felt emotions was always the first thing that came to mind and yes, he had asked himself that question during the rising, but his kind were different. They were still human like, but different.

Cas flinched inwardly when referring to himself as a certain kind, because he wasn't human anymore, he was a whole other species now. "Those who I previously had a connection with I still feel all the same. I can even gain a connection with others."

"That's good, hun." She chuckled, nodding slowly. He noticed that she kept nodding her head, smiling too. "That's really good." Cas noticed a tear slipping down her cheek so he slowly wrapped her in a hug to which she clung too, thankfully. At first, he couldn't stop the self conscious thoughts and actions of wanting to pull away and cover his arms, but he bit it down for a hug he knew was desperately needed. 

Cas closed his eyes and hoped she wouldn't be freaked out by his cold arms. Everyone always was for some reason. Cas didn't get why, it was like just like a human with cold arms? It was just his body was cold _all_ the time.

"I missed you so much," She cried into his shoulder and he could feel the tears soaking into his jacket but he didn't mind, he whispered how much he missed her too, rubbing her back soothingly. Just like she did when he was the one crying. "Me too. I've missed you too." He repeated again, nodding his head. 

She pulled away reuniting their hands again, this time with a slight sway. "You hungry?" Wiping under her eyes with a sniffle she smiled back at him.

"I don't eat." He reminded her for the sixth time. The swaying stopped and worrying her reaction he looked down at his sneakers, black converse with specs of dirt on the white parts and laces neatly double knotted.

A minute passed of silence before they swaying continued and smile back in place, she nodded, "Of course, forgive me. I keep wanting to bake you cookies and stuff your stomach with pasta." Pulling herself out of the room, "Come on, put the music on while I cook." She added from the doorway. Cas sighed in relief with a curt nod and she gave him a moment to look around his room.

It all looked the same aside from the replaced items. His bookshelf thankfully stayed the same messy piles and the latest book he had been reading still had it's bookmark sticking out from all the way at the top of the shelf. His outdated laptop peeking from under the bed where he'd usually kept it, and his closet door still held a chipping ninja turtle sticker.

Taking a once over his room and even peeking a third glance at the black curtains still tied shut, but then stopping midway to take a double take at the knot. Somehow it looked different from the previous times before. The grey inside curtain was covering the whole frame before, but now it looked to be pulled away from the bottom corner, and the knot looked looser, lower than it was before.

Cas shook his head and rubbed his eyes. _Nah_. It must be his mind, or maybe his medication. Ignoring the feeling, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and found his aunt in the kitchen without looking back.

It was... new again, for him. He wasn't usually in a space like this compared to where he was before. The center he was at before this was much smaller than his home, with metal counters and scary hallways that smelled like the hospital. Every wall was painted white with not one spot of dirt. While his own house was a colorful maze with old cooking utensils and creaking wood everywhere, any white was worn out with small hues of yellow.

Cas walked around his aunt to sit in the nearest chair at the mahogany dining room table. She moved her body to look his way. "Are you going to hide out in here forever or are you going to see your friends?"

Thinking too hard about the comparisons he listed out, his mom scared him from his train of thought. "What?" He asked. His mother stopped whisking and turned to him. He could hear her 50's music playing in the background but he didn't pay much attention to Ritchie Valens right now.

Piecing together what she meant when she bobbed her head towards the right he then opened his mouth in an O shape.

"They're still there you know." She pointed out, pulling ingredients from the shelf above her.

"I don't know," He sagged his body further down into the chair. "I don't think he'd accept it. Dean had always found these things faux. He barely believed the shows about it and now it's real. I just don't," Shaking his head he made up his mind, fear and doubt filling his thoughts. "No, I don't think I will be seeing him." He said, it was quietly just above a whisper.

"There's more than one of the brothers you hung out with, Cas." She turned the knob on the stove then craned her neck with a sly smirk and he looked down. If his body pumped blood he was be sure it would go to his cheeks right now.

"That's not what I meant." He said, worried about his perception on Sam but that wasn't what he was trying to say. "It's just that Dean is.." he trailed off. He was trying to say that if he didn't like what was going on then he would never let Sam into that. He was very protective of his brother. 

Fortunately, she seemed to get what he was stuttering on about. "Sam is grown now. He can make his own decisions." She eyed him, turning down the music then messing with the temperature on the soup.

"I always knew you had a thing for the older Winchester." She pressed.

Sighing with a small disapproving look, he stood. "Not this again."

"He grew up well. Quite a hunk now." His aunt waggled her eyebrows whilst she dumped the tan sauce into the boiling pot.

"Really?" He stopped to ask with a small scrunch of his face as he tried to imagine a grown Dean. He'd be about twenty- one now, since he was almost a year younger than Cas. Or was, anyways. 

"Yeah. Saw him the other day and wow." He did have to agree, Dean was good looking but now he was grown. Did he look different? He hadn't really thought about that. Well, he _did_ think about it before but hadn't looked into it deeply and now- "No!" He pointed a finger. "No, not anymore."

"Don't even try to tell me you didn't have a crush on that boy." She said, turning the pointed finger to him now. "And don't tell me you still don't. Your words, all the same feelings." She held her hands up in surrender before they found the whisk and the other holding the handle of the pan. 

Scoffing, Cas leaned a hand onto the marbled counter, eyes suddenly hooked on the light hanging over the dining table behind her.

After a minute she spoke up again. "They were really upset you know," She said seriously. "Dean didn't leave the house for two months." Cas stayed silent, frowning at the light that flickered every few seconds, he looked down at his feet as if getting scolded.

"How was Sam?" His voice echoed guilt and quiet. 

"A whole month. He didn't even go jogging and you know how much he loves his morning runs." She said. "I don't think either of the boys ever got over it. They're hermits now. The last time I saw Dean, apart from the other day had to have been six months ago."

Biting his lip Cas pondered sadly. When he came into his room he had to admit the first thing he did was check the room lined across his and saw Dean had closed his curtains. That brought a pang of hurt through him. "I don't know."

"Casti- Cas Novak," she stopped, it was firm but gentle at the same time. "you grew up with those boys since you were babies, and they were so young I bet they can't remember a life without you in it and same for you. Now, no matter how long it takes you, you will see them. At least go say hey. Let them know you're home."

Cas heard the mistake and took everything in him not to grimace or hide from the name she almost just called him. Then he stood there while he got yelled at, processing her words with slight embarrassment that she had to scold him to see his own best friends. "Okay." He sighed and his mother hummed in approval.

She emptied the steaming soup into a bowl. "Sure you don't want any?" She asked a minute later, now back to herself. 

"My stomach doesn't properly work anymore. I don't know how that would end up." Cas cleared his throat. The thoughts still evident in his mind, and new ones erupting. 

"Wanna try and see what if anything happens?" She asked, and Cas rolled his eyes at the smiling woman in front of him, who had yet to mature. He swore he was more mature than her most days.

Most days though, he added, because today might not be one of them. Shrugging his shoulders he hesitantly reached for his own bowl. What could happen, right?


	3. Making friends -  2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas wants to get out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, i'm impatient and my friend convinced me to start updating twice a week until it's all up. Most likely Tuesdays and Saturdays. Please enjoy, and lemme know if you liked it ((: 
> 
> P.S. The next chapter and some after are muuuuchhh longer so beware.

Cas looked up from the article he was reading, clicking out of the many tabs with his eyes on the door, just waiting for another sound. It had first started out as a little quiz from an article he found from the weird weather website, but then he saw other articles and he just _had_ to see how a giraffe sleeps. A few hours later and he's waiting for his aunt to emerge from her room. He thought maybe she could help him with his boredom since she was always going places.

So when he heard his aunt come from her room he shut the laptop with loud protesting from the thick material and caught her in the hallway with a basket and a concentrated frown.

"Hey." He breathed. It was calm but determined with his eyebrows up and careen to shut the door and follow her down the stairs. She stopped, mumbling to herself and looked up with a smile, turning her neck to look at him while stepping down another protesting stair. 

"Morning Cas." She cleared her throat, looking back down at the last few steps. Cas' eyes followed her figure down the stairs, debating if he should ask or not since she seemed busy. Once she made it into the living room with her basket in hand, he slowly stepped down the rest of his stairs.

"Do you have anywhere to go today?" He asked biting his lip. She closed the dryer door, her basket now filled with clothes he recognized as mostly his. He looked back up expectantly.

She looked taken back, setting the basket on the table and turning the switch on. Hand on her hip she huffed out tiredly, "I've been trying to get you to leave the house for weeks. What's got you?" she asked. 

He shrugged hesitantly. "I'm getting.. bored. I haven't left the house in weeks." Cas answered. To be honest he was bored that was true, but it was starting to drag his mood drastically, so he went from looking at everything in the house to ignoring the house and sulking the same hallway every morning with a tired sigh.

He's went through every single picture and painful memory possible in this house just to remember and most of the time come up with nothing, and just a few days ago he cleaned the whole house, even the attic. He's learned new recipes he won't even need and the internet hasn't exactly been on his side. (He's barely getting the hang of Youtube. Don't judge him.)

When he was human, it had just barely made his attention, but then it shut off during the war so the last thing he remembered was Facebook and a really old PS3. Now, they have so much on the web he doesn't know how to deal with it. Or work any of it. He's like a grandpa around technology now. Maybe he should change that. 

But now that he's mostly faced all of it, (and by facing it he really means he avoids anything that could bring memories of sorts so he just stays in his room until his aunt comes home.) He's just restless and sick of the grey walls and those squeaky stairs that never get any quieter. 

She raised her eyebrows as her arms came up behind her head and fiddled with her blonde hair, "Lucky for you," She stopped, grumbling in between as she let her hair fall back onto her shoulders and bringing a broken hair tie into vision, throwing it onto the counter she looked back at him with as much of a smile as she could. "I have shopping to do for the house."

Cas looked up at that. "Can I come?" She nodded, grabbing the basket she walked passed him with a pat on his shoulder.

He sighed with one last look around the kitchen and ran upstairs to take an early dose of his medication and then change into decent clothes instead of his stained sweats he hadn't changed in a few days.

Cas decided he was going to do his medication first just in case he spilled something onto the clothes. He learned the last time that black goo doesn't exactly come off grey sweaters or blue jeans, and certainly not the carpet. Which, he was _still_ extremely guilty of, because when he accidentally tried that soup it immediately came back out and he threw up all over his aunt's _white_ carpet. Cas tried offering to buy a new one and apologized over a hundred times, but his aunt said she didn't care. Although they both knew it was a lie. Maybe he'd buy her a new one anyway. 

He waited for her to fully close the door until he even opened the bathroom door and swiftly slipped into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Cas knew that his aunt knew about his medication - _obviously_ , but she had never seen or heard him taking his medication. Of course she saw it and knew how it all works since she was a nurse at the hospital with many patients, but for some reason he felt it was different with him.

She didn't have to see, but she knows he's taking it so, the less she knows than the better. Besides, it makes him seem more human - like than he already was. He feared if she saw the hole and the whole process of it all on _him_ , that she would look at him differently.

See him for who he really was under the contacts and mousse.

Cas ignored his reflection from the mirror. Even going as far as covering the mirror with his green striped towel since it seemed so weird to him. It made him feel worse than he already felt. Insecure, and lower than others, because he was different looking. Not a snaggle tooth or acne, but basically a corpse that walked around everywhere trying to carry on like nothing had happened. Just plain weird to him.

Another reason he hadn't really bothered going outside. He knew if he were to go out there he would get treated differently. Attract stares and scared gasps. Children being pulled away from him and grumpy old people making remarks to others nearby. He just _knew_ it was bound to happen.

Pretty much the only thing pushing him to go out there was his restlessness, his comforting adoptive mother and the fact that he wasn't alone. He knew that. He knew others were out there, he even saw some really happy Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferers back at the center. Which was great, really. But Cas wasn't nearly as brave as them.

The machine hooked onto the bottle as he thought about all the different possibilities. Cas didn't even have to look down anymore. His hands just knew what to do. For his body, how many times he had done this in his first days it became natural memorized movements.

Cas heard the final click and then it all went sturdy into his hands. Moving the collar of the dark purple v-neck shirt he was wearing, while the right hand reached back as far as he could and then some effort to fit it perfectly. He pressed the button with a loud pump and then hiss.

His body instantly jolted in seizure like motions for a few seconds and then calming down. He opened his eyes with a big exhale as his eyes roamed the newly cleaned bathroom. Pulling a hand through his hair then slipping the shirt off, he made it into his room.

This time hadn't been very painful. It was different, but not as painful as it usually was, and in fact he didn't even feel anything now. _Was that weird?_ He asked himself. He pulled on a pair of pants and a hoodie. Cas shrugged, he didn't know the answer to his question, but he might as well be grateful instead of asking for the pain.

Right as he slipped on his left and final shoe he heard a soft knock. "You ready to go?" She called, jiggling the door handle. He looked up as soon as he saw her white shorts and brown tank top with weird designs on the shoulder. Her dyed blonde hair was finally pulled into that bun and her makeup was done.

He nodded.

"Okay." She whispered turning around and holding onto the rail as she slowly made it down the stairs. He closed his door, following her to the white ford.

His aunt locked the door while Cas waited inside the car. "You nervous?" She asked once the car was starting, turning her body all the way backwards to see the back where she pulled out of the driveway, looking at him as she turned back around and pulled the stick downwards into drive. 

He looked over at her, stopped in the middle of the road where she had not yet started driving. Cas only nodded mutely. _Extremely actually_ , he added mentally. Of course he didn't say this out loud, but he was definitely thinking about how horrible this day could go.

For all he knew he could come home, mad and taken down, or just fine and proud that he actually did it. _What if he saw someone he knew? How would they react?_ His mom turned the wheel as far as it could go and sped forward, adjusting her seat belt and then spinning the wheel back into place.

"It's quite a small town despite it being the city." She messed with the AC some more, eyeing he road every few seconds and Cas felt the breeze suddenly fan his face then she sat back.

Cas eyed the vents, remembering the feeling. It was odd, because before it used to make his eyes water and his nose would get stuffy until finally he either turned it off or put on the jacket they kept for him in the backseat.

His aunt was getting older by the day so that meant she had health issues herself. One of them meaning she was always hot and Cas was always freezing to death because it was always cold with her. Whether it was in the car or house, and even the hospital she worked at was constantly cold.

He remembered during the winter, and though it never got very cold in this part of the state, at night she would open all the windows in the house so some nights he'd have to spend the night with Dean because he was afraid of getting sick, or to take a shower and freeze to death in time that he didn't put a sweatshirt back on. Everyone used to ask him questions as to why he owned so many sweaters in such a hot state, but he just laughed.

 _Dean_.. Cas wondered how he was. He desperately wanted to go talk to the boys now that he was adjusted. Wanted to tell them about the stuff he learned within the few weeks he was back. He guessed they knew some - or most of it - since they had lived through it all, but it'd be a good conversation starter. 

Sam was probably just turning nineteen. _Wow_ , Cas thought, Sam was older than him now. He was officially the baby of the group. A small smile cracked his lips at the memory of Sam with a frown and crossing his arms because he wasn't old enough to get into the movie they were seeing, or able to leave the house with them past eight. Dean and him would tease him to no end, but once they came home they acted like it was a waste of time and watched Sam's movies that he swore was better than any movies about ghosts.

"Yeah." He snapped back into reality. Cas looked out the window at green passing trees turning into buildings. Mostly grey towers with windows everywhere. "I'm just worried about the reactions." He said quietly. He didn't know if she heard him or not due to the air, but he bet on no from the lack of response.

A few seconds passed of silence and the blasting air conditioning, he looked at the yellow light becoming more closer and closer, "Have you ever treated someone like me? At the hospital." he asked louder this time, ducking his head as they passed the light.

"A Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer? Of course!" She smiled with a single nod, "All the time."

"Really?"

"Yep." She popped the 'p,' turning a sharp corner with a rapid blinker that was nowhere near calm, finally turning off once the store was in sight and they were in the parking lot. "They're about as frequent patients as anyone else."

"The living you mean." He corrected. "Humans." 

She sighed, giving him a look of a scowl mixed with sympathy, "I guess humans. But you are too." she parked the car with it still running. 

"Not really." He snorted looking at the store entrance. "Partially dead remember?" He took his eyes from the row of shopping carts. 

She gave him a warning look but didn't say anything further. "I'll be right back. I just have to grab a few things." She reached for her purse and gave him a small nod to make sure it was okay with him.

"Kay." He leaned back into the chair while she shut the door, and immediately after he couldn't see her anymore he changed the station from classical music to rock and turned it up loudly.

He messed with the controls and settings for a few minutes until he found a song he liked and took the seat belt off as he looked around while his mouth belted the lyrics in the middle of the parking lot where he was positive other's who were passing could hear but he didn't care. He just kept yelling, instead of singing really.

A guy in front of the car who had started smoking, made eye contact with Cas who was still singing and then left. An old lady started scolding the back of the car after the next song, but thankfully before anyone else could be such grumps his aunt was heading over to the car. 

Cas saw her and quickly scrambled to turn if off just as she opened the door.

"Cas!"

A silent laugh escaped his lips, "What?" he covered his mouth with a casual shrug. She only huffed and slammed the door shut.

"Could hear you all the way in the store." She mumbled, waving to the old lady and circling the spots until they made it into turning traffic.

"Where next?" He asked into his palm. He was still trying not to laugh at her ridiculous embarrassment and anger. She shot him a one second glare, turning back to the road with a deep sigh. She moved the seat belt again while she pointed wordlessly to Fry's grocery store just across the street.

Cas nodded, listening to the very quiet lyrics of Mama by My Chemical Romance just ending. "Don't," she pointed, getting out of the car. "put it too loud." She closed the door and Cas smirked, turning it only one number less than what it was before. She glared at him from the entrance but continued grabbing a small personal basket and waving to the first register.

He tapped his leg, shaking his head and turning away from the direction. The sun hit his contacts but he didn't really care at the moment, he just moved his head to look around the trees and citizens walking around with baskets and day to day conversation.

The sky suddenly got darker and Cas looked up. The sun was hidden behind a thin cloud, making it shine light in different directions and the humid breeze, while it wasn't fun to be in, it was fun to look at inside an air conditioned car with Green Day playing. 

Cas wished he had his Polaroid to take a picture of the oddly satisfying colors shining dusty-like in the sky with matching windows and trees in perfect view. 

Without putting too much thought into it, he raised his hands as if he had a camera in his hands and positioned the exact spot he would've taken a picture. When he got it right where he wanted, he looked at it in full detail behind his hands and made a clicking sound with his tongue then pulled back.

Quick to shake his head at the ridiculous moment, Cas leaned back into the seat. "Wow." He scratched his knee and looked around, starting to bob his head to the music and kept an eye out for the blonde haired lady. Which there was actually a ton, but still he hadn't seen her.

His eyes searched the crowd one more time and found another disapproving look before he let go and closed his eyes. Every few seconds he would hum the lyrics and tap his foot and the other few seconds he would blow air in his cheeks and make farting noises. "Come on." He mumbled quietly, and impatiently.

This wasn't exactly what he was picturing by leaving the house, he thought grumpily. It was just like being in his room except he had a radio and the room was moving with the occasional aunt in it. But hey, he thought with his eyebrows up and a not so bad frown, at least he doesn't get car sick anymore.

He was definitely grateful for that. When he was human, he couldn't go into town without getting a headache or feeling nauseous, and now neither happened and he's been in the car for a total of forty minutes.

Cas squinted his eyes and tilted his head thinking his thoughts weren't really making sense right now, but all he knew was he was getting bored and restless ever since the music had went off track of the train of good music and then turned into a really long commercial break.

A few confusing fights inside his head and few possibilities of random things later, his aunt finally opened the back with some trouble and he heard bags being set into the back. By the time she made her way into the car she was smiling instead of yelling at him for the choice of music.

"Guess who I ran into?" She repeated her question, turning down the music and reapplying her seat belt, looking up at him.

Cas looked at her in the corner of his eye, "Who?" he asked, he wasn't quite looking at her but he could still see her smile brighten.

"Sam!" She squealed excitedly, "Oh man, I haven't seen those boys in forever." she shook her head, facing forward with her hands on the wheel and then turning her head to look at his reaction.

Choking on the air he didn't even need, he cleared his throat and looked over at the beaming woman. "Sam Winchester?" He sputtered, shifting in his seat. She nodded and he looked back over at her. Apparently that wasn't the expression she was looking forward to because her smile faltered.

"Our neighbor... Sam?" He asked directly. His eyes immediately went from uncaring and hooded to wide. She nodded with a laugh but he only shook his head.

He put a hand on her skinny arm. "Did you tell him?" She suspiciously looked from the arm turning her tan skin white under the small amount of pressure from his hand, "You know, about me?" He pushed. 

She shook her head clearly confused, "No?" she looked around the parking lot. "He was talking to some girl so I waved and when I was finished checking out he was gone." His aunt shrugged. 

Cas sunk back into his seat and let go of her arm, closing his eyes with a nod. "Good." He put a hand on his still chest out of habit, "Good." he repeated, closing his eyes once again and getting comfortable.

"Why?" She asked. Cas could hear the scowl in her voice. It was more confused than mad and Cas could only imagine how crazy he sounds right now. Who doesn't want to see their childhood friends they grew up with? Why was he hiding? He was aware he sounded crazy right now, but trust Cas. He had a plan. _Kind of._

"I dunno.." He shrugged sheepishly. "It's just not how I pictured meeting again." He looked up and turned his neck. "You know?"

She nodded silently, turning the station back to her boring music and made a turn into the less busy street. "Well i'm gonna stop by home and you're gonna run these in then we have a couple longer plans." She cracked her neck while Cas cringed, and they stopped at a red light and she cracked her knuckles. All ten at once.

"Okay."

She turned up the classical music and shot him a bumptious smirk. Cas groaned for a whole thirty seconds before she shushed him.

The brakes silently squealed to a stop and Cas' aunt looked over at him for his queue, in which he huffed and opened the door to run to the back. There were only five bags and two from the first store, so thankfully Cas made it in an easy trip and put the milk in the fridge and left the other stuff on the table.

He already knows he'll get yelled at for being lazy later but it's not like he knows where her hair dye goes, or her favorite cereal. (Just kidding that was a lie. He used to steal it from her all the time). But he was just trying to get in and out before she drive off without him.

Cas blocked the sun from his eyes with his arm and looked around the area before sliding back into the cold car. "Alright." He sighed, reaching for the seat belt when his eyes found the house on the left. It was right in front of his eyes and he could see the windows open but none of the cars were there so they couldn't see him.

 _Good, that's good._ His hands quickly found the buckle and it clicked in, but his eyes were still on the window on the second floor across from his where dark curtains tied shut. Cas tried to let it go and take his eyes off the stupid knot that tied them away but he couldn't. He felt down, guilty, and timorous all at once.

_Was Cas being a bad friend? Should he go see them? Did they want to see him?_

"Where to?" He asked, eyeing the house one more time, a small frown fell onto his dark lips. Without an answer, she stepped on the pedal and they went the opposite direction than before. The house got smaller and smaller as they left, but the sadness didn't leave him or his mind.

 

++++++

 

"The hospital is one of your errands?" He looked at the tall tower with people sitting outside of the doors that slid open, the white and red lights glowing in the dark with light seeping through many of the windows starting from the corner of each floor.

"I'm sorry," She turned off the car with a sympathetic frown. "They just need me to fill in until Garth can make it to his shift and then we'll be out."

"Wait, so i'll have to lounge around the hospital while you work?" He lowered his head even though he was still looking up, lip turned upward and squinting his eyes at the tree.

She took the keys out and dropped her leg from the pedal. "They told me I needed to sign a few papers and that's it, but then Garth got stuck on the other side of the town and people need help with the flu going around. A lot of people are in so they need all the help they can get." She looked over at Cas who sighed dramatically.

In all honesty he didn't mind, he was just giving her a hard time.

She ushered him, "Come on, you just spent the last two hours at the library and you got quite a few new books. I'm sure if you get a snack and find a couch and read you'll survive an hour or two." Cas let the small comment about a snack slide since he didn't want to ruin her reassuring speech. 

Cas rolled his eyes playfully. "That's because you left me there to go get food." He waved a finger in her face, raising his voice to talk over her protesting. "I thought you were gonna leave me there all night."

"No." She denied, "I told you," She followed his moving figure. "I told you I was going to go and you said you would stay!" She giggled.

He lifted his hands and shrugged. "Fine." He dropped his hands with a lingering smile. It was small and barely showing over his mood but he smiled, "Fine. I'll be alright." he ducked his head to lean forward and grab the books. He wasn't sure which one to read yet so he figured he'll bring them all.

She opened the car door and grabbed the extra scrubs in the back, locking the car with the alarm in the back, they walked in. "It will be over before you know it." She put the keys in her purse with Cas stopped at her side.

"Evening Jallie!" Kevin yelled from the desk. Kevin the nurse, and the person you will most likely always see at the hospital, looked up at Cas' aunt with a hyper wave and huge smile in green scrubs.

He's _way_ too perky to be in the hospital, Cas thought. He didn't know why, but Kevin loved the hospital, (and he always has) so he was always here. Even as a kid since his mother made the spot as the head chief of surgeon here. Which meant Kevin was dragged here any time she worked until he was able to stay home by himself. Maybe that was why.

Kevin looked towards the right, slowly widening his eyes and Cas noted the slight surprise before his smile lit up again. "Evening, Cas!" He waved.

Cas' aunt nodded politely with a small lines of 'Hello Kevin.' She waved at Cas and then she disappeared into a swinging door in the back.

Kevin's eyes followed her with a small salute before she was gone and Kevin raced to his side. "So you're back huh?" He smiled brightly. Cas nodded his head with a polite smile and Kevin breathed a chuckle.

"Oh wow!" His eyes widened after a few seconds. Like he was realizing something.  "I remember going to your funeral. I saw your dead body." He gasped. Cas cleared his throat and took a respective step backwards, giving him a weird look. Kevin caught the motion and waved his hands and bent his knees slightly.

"Oh no!" He shouted, looking around nervously. "I mean," he licked his lips and parted them with a big huff with his chest rising high. "it's nothing like that. You know, we get tons of Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferers in here. Like," He scoffed with an eye roll. "all the time."

Cas stared at the heavy breathing bugged eyed boy pushing his long hair out of his face.

"Okay! Kevin, chill." A redhead suddenly appeared smacking him on the arm. She took a minute to turn her body away from him with her back in his face and mumbled something to the nervous boy and then looked at Cas with a smile.

"Kevin, don't you have to get back to work?" She singsonged, nodding her head towards the ringing phone at the desk. Kevin didn't get it at first and stared between her and Cas before he jumped back.

"Yeah." He laughed and the redheaded girl laughed with him and pushed him away. "Right." He mumbled, running with squeaky shoes and picking up the phone and almost dropping it, answering with a high pitched 'hello?'

"Isn't he something." She jabbed her head forward at Kevin and Cas nodded silently, about to turn away.

The redhead chuckled, flipping her hair back and smiled at Cas. She extended her arm from the salmon scrubs and a cardigan, standing tall with her head up. "Hi, i'm Charlie."

Cas looked at the hand and then looked at the books crowding his arms, "Uh," he looked down. The girl, Charlie, only hooked her arm around his neck dragging him down the hall.

"So, who are you?" She ducked her head forward, slightly swaying the both of them in the process, she looked back at him with a friendly smile.

"Cas."

"Heya Cas." She turned back to the hallway and swayed them away from a running group of nurses and a single white coated doctor. "Whatcha doin' here?"

Cas looked down feeling embarrassed because he could feel her arm rubbing against his neck. He pulled away sheepishly from her in hopes the mousse didn't just rub off on her clothes and get yelled at. He highly doubted it because she seemed cool but he didn't know. He has met some people at the center who he too thought was cool, but he was wrong.

He looked at the cardigan and then at her worried face, "I'm sorry." He pointed his head to the cardigan.

Charlie looked down at the spot of tan mousse on the spot she had just around his neck, then looking up with a smile. "Dude, it's cool." She threw her hand out with a playful roll of her eye. "Do you know how many times I did that?" Cas looked around her face and then he just now noticed the well hidden white strip in her bright hair and green contacts that lagged only a split second after she moved them.

"I couldn't even tell." He said, which was true. He eyed the sides of her face and neck where the mousse must be, and if it weren't for the dark vein behind her hair he would've called her a liar but he was impressed to be honest.

"Seriously!" She teased, pushing his shoulder, her hair swayed in the action and waved up and then down onto her shoulder as she looked around the room. "Do you know how many things I had to throw away? I had to get a whole new wardrobe of graphic tees." Charlie threw her hands up with a shake of her head at the end. "Disappointing how many of my favorite shirts I had to get rid of." She mumbled.

Cas chuckled small, agreeing because he too has had to throw away many clothes.

"So," She carelessly slung her arm over his neck and leaned her weight on him so they swayed, "Whatcha doin' here?" she ducked her head to look at his contacts and he looked up at her curious face.

He sighed. "My mom works here." Cas shrugged. "She got called in to fill in for someone so now i'm just waiting."

Charlie hummed into his ear. "Yeah, Garth's stuck. That sucks man. It's pretty boring around here." She bounced her hand on and off his shoulder as they walked further into the hallways.

There was a lot of people here. In the hallways, waiting rooms, walking around and just about everyone was talking and they passed a crying woman a minute ago. The walls were all white and the floors were so shiny clean they could almost see their reflections. The smell of medicine and cleaning supplies filled Cas' nostrils and a coughing fit and Charlie talking filled different ears.

"What about you? You work here?" He hiked her arm up and swayed them away from the doctor rolling someone in a bed down the hallway with a serious face and the patient complaining.

"Nah." She made a weird noise inside her mouth, possibly running her tongue over her teeth or clicking her tongue, he didn't know he was distracted by the surroundings. "I just hang around the hospital in uniform voluntarily."

"Really?" He jerked his neck back, and she stopped them and gave him a head tilted sour face.

"No." She took her hand from him and looked inside a random room. "Nobody does that."

He thought for a minute and was going to agree but then a certain brown eyed boy popped in his mind. "Kevin does."

"Oh," She thought out loud, putting her hand on her chin and nodding before quietly adding, "that's true." Cas snorted and they both looked back at the poor guy running around the office area with wide eyes and then sitting down in the chairs when he thought nobody was looking. Charlie made eye contact with him and they both let out a soft chuckle, looking away before they got caught.

Charlie looked around them and slowed down to move to his left side and he felt her right arm snake it's way around his neck. Cas juggled the books in his arms and looked around them. He really wanted to put these down now. They were getting in the way and he might have not been able to feel it but he can see the books and pages digging deeply into his skin.

Charlie, possibly reading his mind, or just his actions had said, "Come on, i'll show you a really cool place we can hang out till your mom is done." and slightly picked up the pace. 

"Aren't you supposed to be working?" He looked from the opposite of the hospital to Charlie, who smiled down at his hunched figure and dragged him around a sharp corner. 

"Mmm," She hummed and scrunched her face up. "Kevin's got it. I'm just waiting on paperwork for a patient but it's been all day so now they can wait."

Cas rolled his eyes and stopped them so an old lady could pass. "One, that's not how a job works, and two that's all you had to do all day?" Charlie turned them around and pressed the elevator button.

"Yeah." She huffed, standing her full height and than slouching again and staring at the numbers lowering. "You know, the whole Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer unfairness stuff." She waved her hand in slight annoyance.

"But!" She chimed back in with her finger raised and the elevator opened for them. They both walked in and Charlie pressed the highest floor and then leaned them against the wall as the first buzz went off for the first floor they passed. "I get an advantage." She smirked evilly and nodded her head.

"How?" He asked quietly.

"Well," She titled her head with a high pitched tone, "I get less work but I still get paid the same. And the people I feared before, I don't have to worry about anymore."

Cas moved the hair from his eyes and readjusted the books and then his clothes. "What do you mean?" He looked around the elevator. _Did she do something?_ He asked inwardly but then the thoughts went away. She couldn't have done anything like that.

A buzz went off and they moved a little higher up with a shake from the machine.

"They're gone now."

"What?" He scowled in confusion, this girl was just all over the place and they just met five minutes ago.

Another buzz, they were a few floors up now. "Any time someone had threatened me always got fired." She giggled. Cas brought his knee to hold the books and rubbed his face with a small laugh, "I don't suppose I wanna know how that happened."

"I'll tell you later. For now, follow me." The doors opened and Charlie walked from the elevator and all he saw was red hair bouncing while he struggled to get off before the doors closed on him. When got off he didn't see her and was about to call her name. Looking from right to the left and still she wasn't in sight before someone pulled at his sweater and he yanked to the left with a curse. "How'd you croak?" She asked, as if casually, walking down a fairly dark hallway on a floor he's never been.

"Charlie!" He hissed, trying to keep all of the books from tumbling one by one.

"What?"

"You can't just ask when I died."

She looked back, looking truly offended and put a pale hand on her chest. "Why not?"

"I don't know you." He said, trying not to laugh at her mocking voice.

"Yeah, well buddy," She scoffed, turning her head in a matter of fact. "we are going to go somewhere private and you'll tell me." She smirked victoriously. Looking around and dragging him to this 'special spot.' Cas agreed, but hesitantly. He didn't really expect to spend the whole time with her, or maybe not at all after this but it was something for now.

"I got stabbed." She opened a door, ushering him in.

Cas looked inside the even darker room with loud fans blowing, "Oh m _\- What?_ " He looked up at her incredulously, eyes widened and he stopped in the door frame to make sure she knew his surprise.

"I know right? It was really scary." She shook her head and pushed him all the way in the room with her following after.

++

Turns out, Charlie didn't actually die from getting stabbed like Cas thought, but she did survive getting stabbed when she was a teen. She actually died from a brain tumor and she turned into a big hacker when she was sick because then they couldn't arrest her if she got caught (which she didn't and still hasn't.) She moved all the way to Downtown, Phoenix when she first got sick and moved in with her father, who passed but never came back so now she's keeping the house out of respect for the family. Now she's a nurse with her girlfriend, Gilda, in the hospital similar to the one her grandmother worked in.

In return, Cas told her a few things like Dean and Sam, his adoptive mother and how much he wanted to get a cat. Maine coon mix specifically. He didn't spill his whole background story like Charlie basically did but she also learned a lot about him. When his mom was done and called him, they exchanged numbers and continued the conversation until she was off work and he fell asleep.


	4. They meet again - 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean finally meet again, and there's... complications at first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just spent three hours re-editing this chapter because i lost the changes i made to it so i don't think it's as great as i had it before but it's alright. I hope you guys enjoy anyways ((:

"Dean?" Turning on his stiff back and stretching his legs all the way out, he groaned at the sound of his name. Sam must be going for his run, and if he is then that means it's probably five in the friggen morning.

"What do you want?"

Dean heard what must be his door shutting then his brother paddling down the stairs. "Why did you sleep on the couch? Again."

"I fell asleep watching tv." He grumbled, recrossing his arms with a tired sigh. He just wanted to back to sleep.

"But the tv isn't even on."

"Turned it off and fell asleep. What time is it?" He rubbed his eyes tiredly with a pang of annoyance warming his body. He really didn't like being woken up.

"It's time for you to get up, it's like three in the afternoon." Disbelieving him, he threw the blanket off his body and with a moan he blinked his eyes open, seeing the bright light coming into the house from the windows, especially the annoying one towards his left on the wall.

"Dean, are you okay?" Sam asked after a minute, and soon after the question he felt a pair of hands on his forehead.

Dean flinched at the touch of cold hands on his not quite awake body, "Get off me, dude. M'fine!" Slapping the hand away he stood with a scowl and pouty lips.

"Now i'm awake." He crouched above the couch, giving his brother a grumpy glare. "So I didn't sleep in my room. What do you care?" Dean half whined tiredly. He knew he was being weird but he didn't care. He didn't feel like explaining to Sam just yet.

Instead of staying for the response, he made his way into the kitchen and by the time he made it towards the fridge Sam was already taking a seat at the bar of the marble counter and drinking from a half empty water bottle.

"I wouldn't think it's unusual if you hadn't been acting weird lately, Dean!" From the corner of his eyes he saw his brother's arms fly over his head, "Did you see something in there? Is that why you're avoiding your room?" Dean's hand hovered over the bottle of soda he was eyeing, turning his neck to give his brother a confused look.

"I'm not avoiding my room." Dean scoffed, defensively backing up with a bottle of mountain dew in his hand.

"You haven't been in your room in three days." Sam stated, and Dean let his shoulders fall.

To be honest he _had_ noticed he was avoiding his room because despite what he saw, he loved his room. He could stay in there for forever and he'd be totally fine, and everyone knew that. He just figured he would catch up on Dr. Sexy, but then again he hadn't changed his clothes in two days and whenever he needed something that was in his room he found himself making an excuse not to get it.

For an example, his glasses. Instead of grabbing them he simply moved the couch closer till he could see the familiar cowboy boots perfectly fine. Or his phone, he told himself he didn't need it. Needed the time? Look at the microwave or annoy Sam till he told him. He didn't need his favorite blanket even if he got cold, he could just steal one from Sam's laundry, and so on with everything else he needed, he found an excuse.

Unfortunately, he knew exactly why. His mind had been thinking of a certain blue eyed friend all weekend. He probably asked himself every question anyone could think of. Did he forget about Dean? Did he not want to see him? Were they ever going to be friends again? What if he was mad at him for leaving him? Why hadn't he came to see him? Though he could say the same thing for himself, who had just spent the weekend hiding.

Dean couldn't go over there just yet though, he couldn't just hide in his house for the whole weekend and when he finally did show himself go straight to next door with a 'Hey I saw you through the window, came to hang out, that cool?' No. He had to have a reason, or at least make some kind of contact before anything happened.. Right?

"Dude!' Sam yelled, smacking his arm with a scoff. "Did you hear anything I just said?" Snapping from his thoughts, Dean blinked a few times before looking around. Sam left his jacket and water abandoned on the bar and he crouched down to Dean's height and he felt him grab onto his arm with a worried frown, or scowl, maybe both. He didn't know.

"What? Of course I heard! You were blabbering about... something. I zone out your boring voice." Dean smiled teasingly.

"That's it. I'm taking you out for help. Come on." His grip tightened on his forearm and started to pull him forward, in which worked at first - dude was strong- until they made it into the hallway between the living room and kitchen, Dean stopped his feet with as much force for his still tired state.

"Dude, no!"

"Then tell me what's up or so help me. I will drag you to the hospital and make you stay until-"

"Okay! Geezus." He snatched his arm from his brother's grip with a grimace. Stomping his way back into the kitchen with a low grumble and Sam following suit. He knew where that was going and he didn't need that happening again. The first was brutal enough, not to mention the embarrassment he felt when his crush, Lisa saw Dean with his face eye to eye and bouncing from his brother's butt while they argued the whole time. It made sense when Lisa said no when he'd asked her out the next week, and he still hasn't seen her around for years, maybe she moved.

"Dean," Sam threatened a few seconds later when he had yet to say anything. "I'll do it!"

"Alright alright!" Holding his hands up until Sam stopped mid walk, determination showing on his face. He knew when Sam wanted to know something, he would find out. No matter what he had to say or do to get it. Stubborn man he is, Dean grumbled in his mind.

"I uh, I think I maybe could have, you know... saw someone."

"What?" He huffed out, "That's what got you-"

"Across from my window." Dean half shouted so he could interrupt his rambling. It took a moment for him to get it before looking behind him, to the left where the house is, then quickly looking back at Dean. "You mean," He whispered with a thumb jabbing behind him, Dean nodded.

"Like... alive?"

"Well," He faltered with a shrug. "You know, the new kinda alive if you know what I mean." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other with a small smirk, amused by his joke.

"When?"

"Three days ago."

"So, when you ran down the stairs pale as a ghost you saw him?" Dean nodded. He suddenly found the bottle in his hands to be the most interesting thing to happen since he woke up. _Wow, 240 mL, 110 calories and 31 grams of sugars, interesting._ _Maybe he should open it now and drink all 110 calories._

"We should go say hey. Welcome him back."

"What? No." The bottle opened with a loud hiss and Dean brought the oozing liquid over to the sink, reclosing it before setting it down and washing the sticky substance from his fingers.

"Why not?" Sam asked seriously. Plopping back into his previous spot and Dean rolled his eyes.

"Because he didn't see me. We can't just show up like some stalkers. We gotta somehow find out, you know?"

"We won't be stalkers," Sam shrugged, eyeing Dean who was washing off the bottle. "We can just tell him the truth. Or say we heard from around the town."

"I don't think he's left his house yet." Dean added over the running tap.

Sam smirked and said, "And how'd you know that? You've been avoiding him."

Dean tapped his foot and roamed his eyes till they found the tree through the window in front of him and stayed, letting the avoiding comment slide he lightly snapped, "I haven't heard their car leave."

"So?" Sam shook his head, getting up. "They could've walked somewhere." Dumping the empty water bottle into the garbage bin he turned in his direction, eyes meeting Dean's raised eye level. "Don't tell me you don't want to see your best friend, Dean. I know how upset you were."

"Dammit Sam, stop!" Dean slammed his hands on the counter, the bottle of dew sliding off and the tap still ran in the background but Dean didn't pay any mind to it. "Just stop it, okay? This is exactly why I didn't tell you!"

"And why is that, Dean? You didn't tell me because you knew I would have the balls to go and see him? To face what happened?" Sam was getting closer and so was Dean, they both stubbornly stared with matching scowls and short temper getting the best of both of them. Dean shook his head stepping backwards and bringing a damp hand up to rub at his chin.

"You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Whining about how you couldn't stop that rabid fast enough. When instead you could be over there with a second chance, right now!" Sam taunted Dean, who swung around with a terrifying glower.

"Excuse me?" Stepping closer with his jaw so tightly clenched his teeth were dully throbbing and his jaw twitched, hands balled into white trembling fists by his side. He could feel the anger pumping in his ears, curling up in his stomach and he felt his heart rate spark.

"You heard me." Sam huffed, cocking his head to the side with a squint of his eyes.

And that was it. That was Dean's breaking point; and before he knew it, he was pushing the younger man back into the wall. "You don't know what it was like. You weren't there, and you didn't get attacked by your friend who didn't tell you was dying!"

Glowering at the taller man he pulled in the blue and white flannel with angry fists. "You didn't have to carry his dead body and you didn't leave him alone in the forest! You. Don't. Know!" He shouted, angrily looking from one brown eye to the other, body shaking with anger and he noticed his brother's face fall with realization that wrote guilty. "There's more to it than you know." Dean said through his teeth. Regretting the sudden outburst, and the fact that he just spilled all his secrets about what happened. 

"Dean,"

Dean blinked, trying to figure out if he could just breathe or if he needed out before he broke something else similar to what he did years ago when he got too worked up about a situation. The memory of his new anger shocking just about everyone.

He parted his lips to let the air out, with one last push he swallowed thickly. "No, Sam. Just," Untangling himself he looked down with a hand raised, shaking his head to avoid the sudden tears whelming up. "Don't." With that, even in sweats he picked up a pair of shoes then his keys and slammed the door shut, not caring that the walk to his car nearly burned his toes off.

++++++++++

 

Cas didn't know why he was here because he really shouldn't be here either. His therapist had told him it wasn't healthy; that something could happen. That he could lose control, but his aunt needed him out of the house and for some reason going to their previous spot had brought him good memories. Which, for him, was rare.

Going back into his house at first he saw memories that were good. Memories that brought a smile to his face, but then the more he walked around the house and the further down he went, more memories of him feeling down with blurred vision and damp cheeks came to mind. Cas had been confused, he thought he enjoyed his life before because he only remembered being happy. But then he found the room that kept his parents belongings and his brother's breathing machines tangled up in medical records from years ago.

But, for some reason that Cas didn't know, the spot he and Dean discovered had made him feel at ease; a calm bliss to him. He quietly breathed a bitter chuckle at himself because he knew if anyone had known about the situation they'd probably call him nuts for even _thinking_ about coming back here but to smile at the place you got killed? He'd be the town's freak. _Again_.

The town had seemed better now, his aunt had said, and he saw a little bit of it but he still had plenty of time to see the rest for himself. His aunt explained that stores had reopened and people are smiling now that the rising is over. Many are back to working again and the holidays are celebrated in good like they should be.

During the war, when Cas was alive that was always his wishes. He would pray with high hopes for everything to go back to normal. And he meant what he wished for. Even taking small control himself by helping out as much as he could.

Every time they went into the city he stopped to clean up as much as he could. Dean would help too, he was always telling Cas he was too good to help the people, but Cas did it anyways because it made him feel better. Even after the trash would spread again the next day and the roads covered with blood and used bullets, he'd still keep cleaning them up. It was almost like therapy or reassurance, or possibly some denial in there somewhere.  

He and Dean would put on those bright orange vests that they stole - they thought it was the funniest thing and still, every time they put it on they laughed for a good minute - and every Saturday on their guard shift, they would bring trash bags and brooms. Cleaning the streets as much as they could. And though it wasn't much they still did it every week with Dean humming his music to keep the silence.

Dean had said he hated it and complained most of the time when Cas wouldn't be making jokes, to which he answered that he didn't have to do it. Dean would roll his eyes and keep going anyways, and still he showed every Saturday with his vest in hand.

It looked like they didn't have to do much, or well, he wouldn't have to do that anymore since the city restored itself. Maybe his favorite shop reopened and he could find some film to get back into his photography. He'd like that. 

With years of memories playing back into his head, Cas sat down in the leaves.

The rock he had hit his head on wasn't there anymore, but the rock that he always set his bag on had stayed in place. Cas ran his hands through the familiar leaves on the ground. The dirt was warm and the leaves were falling constantly, falling by his sides and in his lap, some tickling his hair. He trying to draw out the weather and almost petting the soft leaves when his hand stopped on a sharp edge.

Looking down he saw the edge of a white photo frame. Cas recognized the edge and shuffled the leaves away until he pulled the dirt filled picture from under the edge of the rock slowly, and if Cas could, he would probably cry. Though he couldn't produce water from his eyes.

 _Great_ , just another reminder of things he missed. 

Cas pulled his shirt up and rubbed away all the dirt and straightened out the bent edges. Looking into the eyes of two smiling boys, hugging each other tightly with blurred lines crossing itself towards the right where Cas had accidentally moved at the same time the flash appeared.

He could practically still feel the nervous flutter in his stomach while Dean's hand looped around his waist, and the smile he was giving the camera, no - giving him right now - made Cas smile back immediately, even if it was only the smallest of smiles, because it was almost impossible not to smile back at Dean Winchester.

Sadly, his thumb rubbed over the edges of Dean's body and in the back of his mind he wondered if he still had the other two photos he'd taken that day. Perhaps if he dug through his box of photos of him Dean and Sam he'd find them.

Wind bristled the leaves around him going through his hair and clothing too, but Cas couldn't feel any of it. Yes, he felt the physical snatching of his clothes, or his hair tickling his eyes as it got pushed to the right and he felt the warm air graze his face but he didn't feel warm enough to take the denim jacket off of him, he couldn't feel any of it at all really. 

Hell, he didn't even have to breath anymore, or get to eat his favorite snack without throwing up black goo everywhere, with no heartbeat or blood pumping through his body anymore. Instead it was all filled with dead blood cells and medication filling his empty veins to keep him from changing into a human eating monster.

Cas, to be honest, didn't really see the point in coming back again. What was the point of him being cured? So he could live forever and constantly live in dirty looks and crude comments on the street? To have to dress up in sticky brown spread and itchy contacts with sore eyes every night just to lower the chance of getting called names? To live literally half dead and watch the human race grow old and die while he was stuck eighteen years old all his life?

He just didn't understand any of it.

Cas jumped when he heard a beep come from the phone his aunt gave him. He reached into his pocket and brought the device out. The screen was already on and the green bubble blinked on the screen with a message beside the name mom reading, 'Got an emergency call from the hospital. I'll see you when I get home. Love you.'

He slid his finger over the cold touch of the screen and watched as the white screen turned into a chat room with the same message appearing again.

He tapped the rectangle that told him to type a message and he obeyed, typing out a message and then hit send, telling her he was heading home.

Sliding the phone into his back pocket again he stood with a sinking feeling that he was forgetting something. Naturally, he turned around to look where he was sat, his eyes scanning the area but he didn't see anything out of place other than the leaves that moved when he walked and sat.

Cas shook his head and pulled the jacket closer with his hands in the pocket. "I just need a nap and then i'll feel fine again." He whispered to himself and again turned to leave the darkening woods but, when he turned he was stopped by a taller figure with broad shoulder's and blonde spikes. Cas, with wide eyes quickly looked down and threw the hood of his jacket over his dark waves and he hoped he covered the white streak in the front.

 _What was he doing here? Had he kept visiting the spot without him all these years?_ He definitely looked mature and older now. That, his mother had been right about.

Cas, not expecting to see anyone for the rest of the night, had taken out the itching contacts and freed his face of the tan makeup which left his pale body with bluish scars and frightening colorless eyes and chapped plump lips that looked almost black in the dark.

"Cas?" He heard Dean step forward and Cas tried to hide his face more in his shoulder. It was an awkward situation with an awkward pose that looked too weird to look casual, or comfortable, but he did it anyways. He just couldn't risk it right now. 

"Cas, t-that you?" He called out, and if Cas had a heart it would probably drop right now because his voice was a quiet guttural call from across from Cas, who mutely nodded. Cas hoped it was too dark for Dean to see him without all the cover up so he wouldn't be scared, or worse, disgusted and ran away from him.

"Hey, Dean." Cas replied hesitantly. He should've said wrong person and bolted. It'd probably be easier. 

"Cas." He saw Dean nod his head in the corner of his eye. "I thought I saw you." Cas didn't say anything, but noticed Dean slowly realizing when he quietly muttered, "Holy shit..."

Cas saw movement again and he guessed Dean had brought his hands to sit on his hips, shortly after his foot moving the rocks. He'd caught on that it was a nervous gesture when he'd shared a secret about his Mom. "You're.. You're.. So, you came back, huh? It was real, when I saw you?" Dean was stuttering out quietly, he looked down.  

"Yeah." Cas nodded and averted his eyes to stop himself from looking up at the emerald orbs. As much as he wanted to see him he couldn't freak Dean out.

Dean sucked in a large breath, "You um. I mean.." Dean stopped his foot and he felt his stare on him. "H-how are you feeling?" He sounded so small; unlike Dean, the loud charismatic manly man he boasted to be all the time. 

Cas didn't respond right away but in his mind he answered the truth which was _miserable_ , Cas thought. He doesn't see the point in coming back if that's what he meant. Because coming back was worse than before, and they were in the middle of the rising during that time. 

He shrugged his shoulders and sucked in a breath to sell the illusion that he was more human like towards Dean, rolling his shoulders too. "I'm good I guess." Dean nodded wordlessly. "How are you, Dean? You doing okay?"

"Yeah. I'm good, Cas."

Cas pursed his lips with the sudden silence with Dean staring at him and Cas doing everything not to give in and look back at Dean. He moved his body away from him so Dean wouldn't be able to see his face when he moved forward. He hoped Dean couldn't see just how much he was trying to prevent this from happening. 

"Why won't you look at me?" Dean asked suddenly.

He waited a moment to respond, "What?' Cas scoffed with a dramatic shrug. "What do you mean?"

"You won't look up. You won't let yourself." He stated and Cas clenched his fists in the denim pocket with a wave of guilt.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Then look at me." Dean challenged. Cas heard the leaves crunching under his weight and trees swaying.

"No," Cas said again. He looked further down than before, "I'm sorry." He let his shoulders drop and his voice trailed off quietly.

"Why can't you?" Dean pressed, suddenly he was closer than before. Cas shook his head no and took a step back; digging his head deeper into his shoulder.

"I can't let you see me like this," He breathed out. "I can cause you anxiety because I don't have the cover up on. You'll be disgusted and call me a monster." He shuts his eyes and called out as if he were half across the forest but in reality he was getting closer and closer. Cas knew that.

"Jesus.." Dean slurred and Cas heard a small murmur of curse words at the people in town. "Is that what they tell you to say?"

Cas passed a one sided shrug and shifted his weight so he was sturdy on his feet.

_More silence._

"Come on." He nudged with a small huff. His voice was firm and serious now. "Show me those bright blue eyes." Dean stepped closer again, "Flash me a smile." He could hear the smile in his modulated voice.

"They aren't.." Cas trailed off taking a hesitant step backwards, now backed into a tree. Cas hoped he didn't seem rude but he couldn't afford Dean getting any closer and seeing his real face. "I lost the color. They aren't blue anymore."

"Oh." Dean's head went further back and his mouth hung open just a little bit. He could hear the wind pick up again, blowing against the side's of their bodies they stood in silence for a few more aching seconds. "You can still flash me a smile? Come on, Cas, i'm sure you didn't lose your teeth." Dean joked, or tried, but Cas didn't believe it.

"I.." He got out. Racking his mind for all the possibilities. For all the excuses he could come up with. "can't." he finished, hopes gone.

"Please?" He whispered lowly. Suddenly Cas felt a pair of hands resting on his shoulders. One was so close to his face that he peeked an eye open to look at the hand which then steered it's way to follow the black shine of the jacket all the way up to the blonde eyebrows pulled together with scowl lines above them.

Green eyes bright and full of life stared into his. His freckles barely noticeable from the pink sky mixed with blues and oranges but still, he could just barely see them in the small light that shone through the branches, plump lips pulled slightly down until they parted with a gasp.

Dean pulled his hands off of Cas's cold body almost immediately, stumbling to take a step backwards and away from Cas. He could see him looking from one colorless eye to the other then moving to his hair, then lips. Cas looked down at that. Of course Dean would think he was ugly looking, he knew it. He should have just made a run for it and apologized when he put on his cover up.

When Cas finally forced himself to look back up after the silence between the two. Dean made his way closer without Cas knowing, too caught up in apologies he could tell.

He finally looked up again to see Dean had covered his mouth and his green eyes watered. Suddenly was so close to him that he could see it piling above his bottom lid about to fall down his cheeks.

They both stood there, both breathing in and out and falling onto each other's faces but neither seemed to care. They just stared back into one other's gaze for minutes at a time. The wind pushing at them in howls and his hood had fallen off a minute ago but Cas couldn't bring himself to care, all he cared about was the human in front of him.

He wondered if Dean's mind was racing as much as his was. Did he feel uncomfortable? Is he upset? Well obviously, he's seeing a dead person from years ago staring back at him. It took Cas a little bit to finally get it through his mind that this was Dean he was talking to.

Dean, his best friend since kindergarten. Dean, the person who he grew up with, laughed and cried even argued with all his life. Dean, who wiped his tears and waited in his room till he got home from therapy, who moved in the summer his brother had died so he could be there whenever Cas needed him. Dean, who he did all the same for when he lost his own family.

So why were they acting like strangers?

"You're back." Dean stated, as if he didn't believe his own words. His hand was brought up and run through his hair before he tugged on it and his palm rested over his lips and chin again.

Cas tilted his head with parted lips. "Dean?" Cas said, looking at his friends jacket shimmering as he shuffled. He was shy and insecure but still he worked up the courage to try and make it seem like he was still the same careless Cas.

"Yeah?" He quirked back immediately; voice high pitched and nervous.

"Am I back?" He smiled. Waiting for his friend to come back to his usual self. He wanted to drop the smile and hide his face but he stood his ground.

"What?"

"I said, really? Am I back?" He repeated with a teasing smile and leaned his head forward, eyebrows up expecting him to catch on. In the inside he hoped Dean wouldn't flinch from the close contact of his deadly skin.

"Oh shuttup." He scoffed instead, but it sounded more like a breath or laugh of relief. "Your jokes were never funny." He muttered with an eye roll. He could see Dean trying to be sassy or annoyed but he could hear the laugh on the tip of his tongue and the ends of his mouth were twitching as he looked down. Dean reached across and rest one hand on his shoulder.

"I do admit, I lacked the comedian department. That was always your kinda thing." Dean looked up again and this time he smiled, right at Cas. As if nothing ever happened, he was smiling at Cas. The same smile appeared from the picture of them by the lake, the very smile he saw the last.

"We missed ya, man." Dean leaned in with squeaking leather rubbing against his denim jacket with arms wrapped around his shoulder and Dean patted his back.

For the first time since he's been back he felt comfortable in a pair of arms that hugged him. And he genuinely smiled up at his friend, "Me too, Dean." He replied honestly. 

"I've got questions." He pulled back. Pointing a tan waving finger in his face. "You better have answers."

"I have answers." Cas said, slapping the finger from his face he heard Dean laughing in front of him.

+++++++++++

 

"You.. got a new car?" Cas questioned as soon as he got close enough to see a dirt covered black jeep parked nearby. At first Cas couldn't believe it, he didn't. He figured it had to be someone else's and the impala, Dean's baby was parked further out, but then Dean popped out a chain with two keys and the jeep responded with a flash of lights and a small beep.

"Yeah. You like?" Dean smirked. Cas stopped and Dean followed suit, he looked over to study Dean's face with disbelief. He was still smirking, he could tell that he really did like the car, but the smirk wasn't a proud smile with a soothing pet on the hood. And he didn't call the jeep his baby or smile like it was his pride and joy.

"What happened to the impala?" He dodged the question.

Climbing into the car was different than getting into the car he was used to riding since they were both little boys. It wasn't a safe feeling in the seats, that were black instead of brown, and it smelled like a boring old car and not like memories, like the Winchester family scent. There were no army men stuffed in the back or legos blocking the vent. And the back seat lacked Dean's mess; including the time they were ten and Sam six, they snuck into the backseat and with John's knife they stole taking turns carving their initials into the backseat door.

"It's gone." Dean sighed. He motioned for Cas to get in and he obliged looking back and forth before going onto the passengers side from the street. As soon as his head ducked under the hood Cas turned with the door still opened.

"What? Gone? What do you mean gone?"

"Bobby has her in his garage. I sold it to him a few years back."

"Just like that?" He huffed. Dean couldn't just sell that car. It was his whole life, he screamed bloody murder if someone he didn't know even breathed near her, or for even calling her anything but her.

Dean nodded with a shrug that might as well said, 'yeah, so?"

"Why?" He was speechless to say the least. Dean was acting like he didn't care for the car. Like he didn't grow up in it and waited all his life to even hold the steering wheel. That car was the only reason they were still alive by how many times they hid in it, or for the fact that Dean would slow his speeding just the slightest for the sake of ruining her. He better have a big excuse is all Cas had to say.

"Are we really doing this? Close the door so we can get going." Dean answered back. Cas opened his mouth thinking he might've heard a hint of coldness, harsh in his tone. "It was just a car." 

"Yes we're doing this. You love that car!" Cas explained. How could he not see the problem? How could he make Dean see the problem actually. He had Cas thinking what could have happened while he was gone.

"Loved." He corrected.

Cas stopped, "What?"

"Loved. I loved that car." He replied coolly. Reaching across Cas's body to close the door for him. "Not anymore."

"And why is that?" Cas scowled in total disbelief.

"Seriously. Why do you care so much what happened to the car?"

"Who are you?" Cas scoffed. He opened the car door and stood off to the side. He could see Dean sighing as he unbuckled his seat belt.

"Get back in the car." He pointed to the car and he shook his head in the middle of the light shining on him. "This is ridiculous." Dean mumbled loud enough for him to hear.

"Is it Dean? Was it ridiculous growing up and hearing about how much you loved that car all your life? Since the first time you saw it!"

"You don't get it." Dean said, and his hands came up to cradle his forehead.

"I don't get what? Huh?" Cas fired back. Bringing new memories to his mind. They had gotten into a fight and Dean had barked out saying Cas wasn't a part of his family. "Don't you dare say I wasn't around to hear every plead and argument over fighting for that car! When we crashed and your dad wanted to get rid of it you refused and saved up enough money and fixed her brand new. Even if it took you months before you got hands on her." He was beginning to realize how far he was going over the car that wasn't even his, or his family genes. He was going as far as fighting with Dean the first time seeing each other again.

Maybe Cas should apologize and blame it on him being over dramatic. They could just get back in the car and drive home, call him out on his stupidity and they'd be fine. 

"You don't get that I couldn't just get back in the car with your name carved in the back! The car the you died in! With your blood spilling over the seats, the car you said your last words in! Which, by the way sucked!" Dean shouted.His hands spoke for him by waving them and holding them out, head turned towards his left to look at him. Cas jumped at the sudden outrage and watched as Dean got closer until he stopped in front of the other light.

 _Or not._  

"I-"

Ignoring what he was trying to say Dean continued with a rising chest showing his emotions. "I thought I wasn't worthy to drive her anymore! I couldn't bring myself to do it."

His cheeks were rosy and blowing in and out as he yelled. His arms splayed out in motions and he bent forward with one last exclamation. He stood breathless and they both set stubborn gazes upon the other.

Cas was the first to look down."I didn't die in that car, Dean. I might've said my last words to you, but not my finale to the world."

"Don't give me that poetic crap." Dean's eyes were squinted and angry while his brows pointed downward. "Why didn't you tell me, Cas? You didn't even tell me goodbye?"

Cas tried to add his reason but Dean turned, pacing back and forth with his shadow following. He concluded it was best he just let Dean shout his feelings out, knowing him he probably kept them in for years. This was his chance to get them out.

"I could've been there with you!" He barked. Dean was facing him again and his hands pulled down and he looked everywhere except him, just screaming out his emotions and thoughts he bottled. "We could've said goodbyes and spent your last couple of days playing games or some over dramatic shit."

"I'm your best friend, Cas, you'd think I deserved to know you were dying. That I cared?" He pointed a tan finger his way again. This time it wasn't teasing with a smile, either. This time it was shaking and held anger and pain behind it, an angry frown placed on his face.

"You knew!" Dean added stepping backwards. "I didn't, man! I didn't know it was the last time I would ever see you."

"If I had known then.." He stopped at a halt, shaking his head he turned away again, walking forward with his hands rubbing his lips. Like he was remembering something he didn't like and scrunched his face up with what looked like fear the next. Cas studied his fallen face, looking into eyes that refused to meet his.

"Then what?" He asked softly.

"Then I wouldn't have saw you wake up." He looked Cas right in the eye from where he was leaning on the car. Voice deep and raspy now. Suddenly Dean looked dark, scary even from far away. "I wouldn't have to find out that you were gone and turned into something else when you climbed a top of me. Scratching and tearing at me like I was your dinner."

Dean shrugged his jacket off with a grimace and Cas tried asking what he was doing. What he was thinking taking his shirt off in a time like this, what the point was, but then Cas saw it.

Quickly walking over and stripping the clothes off he finally stopped in a black shirt he pulled it up and up to his neck.

Pink, mean scars stared back at Cas. Scratches that ripped from just below his collar bone down to the bottom of his ribs. There were a lot, some deep and some light all mixed with the dots that indicated he had to get stitches.

"Did I?" He motioned breathless to the scars rising up and down as Dean breathed. Dean nodded wordlessly.

Not able to look at them any longer, Cas turned away with his eyes watering, or the hope that it might happen. It didn't. 

For a split second he was surprised because his body didn't do that. Correction, his new body didn't do that. He couldn't cry, but still he felt the illusion of what would have blurred vision he turned away and gasped for air he didn't need. Leaning his body weight on a tall rock he switched from leaning his weight onto his arms to his feet, back and forth with his back hunched.

"Dean," He tried, his voice filled with dread. He shook his head, for the second time, he couldn't turn and see those green eyes because he knew they wouldn't be filled with comfort. They'd be filled with anger and possibly disgust. He was a reminder of the _monster_ that attacked him. That was why he tried running away when he saw him.

"Why, Cas? Why didn't you tell me?" Dean paused.

Cas could hear Dean sigh. After a few seconds he heard Dean asking himself. "Just, Why?" He sounded frustrated with the question. As if it kept him up during the night with the single question repeating itself. It probably did, much to Cas' guilt. All this was on him now. 

"It wasn't that easy." Cas whispered. He didn't know if Dean could hear him over the jeep still running so he repeated himself louder, "It wasn't that easy."

"What wasn't easy?" Dean's voice got accusingly louder and he could hear the leather of his jacket squeaking. "You were the one dying! How was it not easy for you?" Cas looked up at the tree in front of him, scowling as if the tree was Dean.

"You don't get it!"

"Stop saying that!" Dean shouted, almost like he was pleading, or groaning, he didn't know.

"I was ashamed." He turned around, fast. "I was ashamed for so many reasons." He bit back the squeak he would let out. Dean stopped himself from shouting by shutting his mouth that hung open.

"I could've helped." Dean shrugged, licking his lips he finally made eye contact. "You know I wouldn't judge you, Cas. Especially if you were dying."

"You couldn't have helped me." Cas scoffed with a sarcastic smile.

"You could've at least let me try." Dean said, voice in an asking voice. Blinking with a small huff he added, "Cas, it seems to me that you didn't even try to save yourself."

"Because I didn't, Dean!" He blurted, too fast for his liking. It was Cas who shook his head and bent forward this time. Letting his feelings out he shouted back, head continuously looking from Dean's taken back state and the tall tree to his left.

"What?" He blinked.

"I didn't fight back so the rabid bit me."

"But you shot it." The confusion was clear on his face. 

Cas nodded, head falling to look at his converse, "After I got bit. I didn't have enough time before that."

"That wasn't your fault, though." Dean stepped closer, now standing in the middle of the lights from the jeep, his figure turned into a dark shadow.

"I stopped because," Cas sighed. He didn't know why he did but he found himself breathing normally, like a human. He knew he shouldn't, he wasn't fooling anyone now, but the habit still stuck. "Because I thought the rabid was you."

"You just saw me the minute before. You know they don't turn that fast."

"You don't know that. Everyone changed differently." Cas stomped, dropping his hands and they swung for a minute. "I saw the blonde hair and ripped jeans and I stopped to look but then it had already bitten me."

"So, it was my fault that you got bit." He mumbled, dropping his raised arm he looked down. Then looking up at Cas, more softly this time.

"No," Cas said sternly. "It wasn't your fault. It was mine." He waved his hands in a horizontal line. He hesitated to take a step forward, ending up taking a half step closer. "Completely mine."

Dean opened his mouth with his eyes staring at Cas. His jaw tilted to the side as his tongue was in the back of his mouth, with a small scoff he let go and shut his mouth.

"That was one reason why I was ashamed. Thinking I was weak, not to get you to feel guilty." He closed his eyes. He needed to finally tell him this. All of his life he would stop midway because his heart would race, palms sweating and stomach twisting, he would be too nervous to say it.

But now, Cas had no heart to race, no nerve system to make him feel physically ill, he could just blurt the words out. "I didn't fight, Dean." He wanted to say it had a deeper meaning. Obviously there was nothing more to do after he'd gotten bit, but in the rising. He didn't do trips and go out looking for them, he stayed put. Just like he did through his depression and anxiety he did _nothing_. He could've fought, wouldn't have thought about staying there, but he could've done something.

Cas could feel his stare on him but he just opened his mouth for more, "I felt relief when I realized I was dying."

Dean was confused to horrified within a second. "Excuse me?"

He opened his eyes, "I was such a messed up human. Everyone saw how nervous and afraid I constantly was. I was always so sad," He looked down from the fallen expression on Dean's face. "All the time, I felt like there would be no end to the war. The fear of having no future or a chance at happiness, sometimes even before the rising even happened."

"Cas," Dean warned, but Cas quickly shot him down. "We were trapped in this city with those monsters for two and a half years, Dean. I thought we were never going to get out. So when I found out I was glad."

"If you told me then I could've-"

"Could've helped? Done something? How?" He thrashed his arms to his sides, open like he was gonna give a hug. "Would've sent me back to the shrink? The shrink who died the night it all started?"

"I don't get it," Dean said quietly. His boots scraped rocks against the pavement. "I thought you were better? I mean, you were always smiling and you made jokes that were so dumb they were funny."

"Everyone thought I was better." He laughed. Turning back to the rock he wiped an icy hand through his hair messing it all up. "And I was. For a little bit." He nodded with a sarcastic smile.

He turned back to Dean. "It was you."

"Me? Me what?" Dean scrambled for words. Dean sucked his lip into his mouth with his teeth resting on show. It was always one of the thousands of reasons Cas' heart would flip and his stomach twisted in a nervous way that his body screamed he had a crush on Dean.

"You always made me happy. When I was with you, I was okay for a while." Cas knew it was cheesy and Dean would probably tell him off for it, but to Cas, it was the truth. When they spent time together, and with Sam - just not in that way for Cas - the numbing went away and the smile came naturally that he couldn't force. 

"What are you trying to say then? Cause we were together everyday."

"I don't know!" He shouted back, he could feel a vein popping out in his neck from how hard he shouted. He was confusing himself now. What was he trying to say here? He saw Dean panting with a hand on his hip. He shifted his weight from his left foot onto the right and Cas scrubbed his hands over his face going up and down a few times.

"It's getting late." Cas said tenderly. Dean walked back to the jeep still running. Getting in he looked at his clock and shut the door behind him.

At first Cas thought he was gonna leave him there by the looks of it when he had put his seat belt on and pressed on the gas, but then he drove forward a little and leaned over and opened the door for Cas. "Get in. I'll drive you home."

Cas muttered a small 'Thank you' which Dean ignored and he sped away. Cas made sure to put his seatbelt on even if he already was dead.

Once Dean sped from the small opening of the forest and into the beginning of the city, Dean leaned forward and blasted the air.

Cas hadn't thought about it since he couldn't feel it but he knew how warm Arizona could get, even if it was night. He followed the arm up to his face that shimmered around his forehead and chin. All of the arguing and pacing had must've made it worse on his body and even if Cas knew he wouldn't find anything he still checked his body.

Unsurprisingly, his face was still cold, not as cold as usually but still inhumanly icy, his arms too. His hair started to blow wildly along with the air and he saw the zipper and flap of his jacket tapping against his thigh. He felt a pang of something hit him because he couldn't feel any of it.

He looked over to Dean a few minutes later just because he could again but he was surprised to see Dean with one arm on the wheel and the other covered his mouth and his body was moving with deep breathing. Cas frowned, the feeling staying put.

"I'm sorry if I upset you, Dean. It wasn't what I was trying to do." Cas reached forward and lowered the blasting air so they could hear each other. Dean's breathing became clear now as he sucked in long breathes.

"I'm not upset Cas." He turned a rocky corner and Cas heard the familiar honking of the city and they stopped at a red light. Since Dean had a decent car he locked all the doors. "I hope you know that. I'm not upset about it, not anymore."

He titled his head when Dean turned to him with his hard expression, dimples showing when he pressed down on his lips. "You got all your feelings out, then." Cas nodded to his own conclusion.

"Something like that, yeah." He chuckled lowly, "We all good, now?" He asked. Looking to his right at Cas with a small smile from the corner of his eyes.

"Yeah. We're good." Cas returned the smile. They had a weird way of handling their problems, but it's worked on them for years. Bottling it until they finally exploded on each other saying what was going through their mind then pretending like nothing happened.

"How is Sam?" Cas asked immediately. He wondered if he looked the same since the last time he saw him he was fourteen and starting puberty.

Waiting for the answer he looked out of the window to see the city lit up and cars were lined up with some honking a street ahead of them. He hadn't seen his town it's usual self in years. It all looked so new and shiny to him, even if he did complain about it before, to him it was nothing since he had grew up in it. But when it all had shut down and became unnoticeable he felt like he moved into another place. He had told Dean he felt homesick to which he replied that so did he.

"Right.." Dean trailed off. Tapping his fingers on the steering wheel he looked from his window to the light turning green. "Uh, yeah he's good." He nodded once.

Forcing his eyes from the blue and purple light that read 'movie theater' he turned towards Dean, "What happened? Is Sam okay?" Cas sat up against the restraining belt with his head turned towards Dean.

"Oh yeah. Nothing like that," Dean shook his head quickly, reassuring him with a smile. "It's just that we had an argument and I stormed out. Had a drink and found myself going to the spot."

"What were you guys fighting about?" Cas asked.

Dean cleared his throat looking ahead with a nonchalant shrug. "Nothing."

"Of course. That was why you left."

Dean scowled at him. Stopping at another red light with loud screeching until they completely stopped. "Really? I just changed the breaks." He grumbled with a small slam to the wheel before averting his gaze.

 With his eyebrows raised as he talked he said, "Seriously though, he grew as tall as a tree. Still real smart too, only nineteen and he's already graduated from skipping some grades and in his first year of college going on second. He's studying to be a lawyer and sometimes I swear he won't look up from a book for a whole day."

Looking from Dean he fiddled with his hands. "Wow," He breathed a laugh. "I always knew he was going to go places."

"You and me both. Remember when we used to take bets on his quiz scores? Or what he would be when he grew up?" Dean chuckled starting to move the car up. Cas nodded with a laugh, "Doctor lost then."

Dean snorted, "Scientist too."

Cas laughed harder this time leaning forward, "Oh yeah. He was in that phase for a good year before he accidentally set off a stink bomb in his room and John took away all of his potions." He put up quotations on the word potions because Sam didn't know the scientific name for it at the time and Dean convinced him that potion was the term.

"Yeah and then he had to sleep with me for a good two months." Dean leaned forward to get more comfortable in his seat, eyes set on the road.

Once they settled down Dean passed a bumpy road before they started to pull into their neighborhood. He looked at Cas once he spotted their houses. "Wanna come have dinner with us? I know Sam will be really happy to see you again."

"Oh. I don't eat anymore."

"I know." Dean hummed and Cas shyly looked up. "Just come hang out with us while we eat."

"I don't want to intrude." Cas added, leaning forward with a small squeak from the chair to look at the lights in the Winchester house.

"Dude," Dean scoffed turning the car off, it fell silent. "At one point you lived here. You're not intruding a home that's yours."

Cas took in the silence. They both looked from one another and Cas cleared his throat. "I'm just gonna go put my cover up on and i'll meet you over there."

"You don't have to do that, Cas."

"I feel weird without it. I don't want to scare Sam away."

"You're not-"

"Besides, I have to lock up the house. I'll meet you there." Dean gave him sass for being interrupted and his words "Acting like an idiot," But nonetheless nodded when he said it was his choice.

They both got out of the jeep and met in front of it again. "Deal." Dean said, and Cas turned to salute him before unlocking the empty house and to his left he could hear Dean doing the same. Cas kept his smile put as he finally jiggled the door open, hearing Dean shout Sam's name. You could always tell when a Winchester got home by their loudness.

Cas blindly made it from the dark stairs and hallways, his footsteps echoing and the clock ticking. First he put in the contacts designed to match his old ones, perfectly catching the darker blue that was close to his pupil. He was pleasantly surprised when he had saw them at first because they looked so much like his eye color when he was human. It was almost identical with the added imperfections instead of the boring brand ones.

Secondly, he opened the tube and with the sponge he dipped it into the pale but humanly colored makeup and spread it evenly across his cheeks, then chin and forehead following after. Soon it covered his face and he looked into the mirror.

He moved his eyes around to make sure the contacts followed then his head to check if the mousse was covering everything, and that it looked normal. Backing away he checked his outfit and noticed his hands weren't covered so he did those carefully and then triple checked. When he was satisfied, he nodded at himself with reassuring words to himself, he left a note to his mom on the counter, just in case.

He sat on the ground in front of the cabinets and opened them, moving everything out of the way until he set his eyes on a blue case. He unzipped it and moved the paper instructions out of the way. He has been doing this for months at the center so he knew every words front to back, even the Spanish part on the back pages.

Cas filled the bottle and then reached backwards, holding his shirt down with the other. He found the hole and stuck the tube in and waited a minute till he was sure, then pressing the handle with a hiss from the bottle. Once the liquid slid down into his body he hissed out almost immediately.

He always felt it. The others said they hadn't, but for some reason it hurt his brain every single time. He held like that for a minute with his eyes closed until the throbbing turned dull and he was finally able to ignore it and move on.

Locking the house up and walking across the familiar green grass, he was disappointed when he found himself checking his hands twice more. He didn't know why he was worried so much about how he looked.

They wouldn't judge him, they were practically his family and besides, even if he were expecting them to judge then Sam wouldn't be the one. Usually it would be Dean, and Dean was fine with it all night (even though he didn't know why).

He knocked on the door thrice times with an added kick. It was his knock he ended up using all the time.

One day Cas had came over with his hands full and body cramping from the weight, so hoping to annoy them he knocked three times and kicked the door and it became a running joke between the three, but then after doing it as a joke for the longest time it became a habit. It even helped during the rising where you couldn't just answer the door to anyone.

He opened the old wooden door when he heard Dean yell out that it's open.

It all looked the same, Cas thought. The living room still had the same brown couch with their stains all over it, the flat screen had gotten bigger but the floors were still a dark brown wood that he remembered getting countless of splinters from. The white walls were chipping and curling slightly. He moved his head towards the left where steam was hovering over a few pots down the hall and he saw all sorts of ingredients covering the black and white marbled counters.

Standing over the pots, Cas saw a very large man with shaggy brown hair and hazel eyes bright and excited. Broad shoulders that were literally inches from one another covered with a blue and white plaid shirt and plain jeans, he was bear foot which Cas had worried about since the kitchen was where they'd get the most splinters.

"Cas!" He heard a low voice excitedly call out and then the large man was pulling him into a bear hug. Before he could wrap his arms around the hyper man he pulled back with a wide smile that reminded Cas of a puppy dog, then pulling him in for a second hug.

Cas chuckled and quickly wrapped his arms around him. "Hello, Sam." Sam rocked them once more and Dean came into the kitchen.

"Sam! The food is burning!"

Sam pulled away and gave Cas a mock of a frown to which they both chuckled at. Sam turned around and Cas caught eye of Dean stirring the food with a concentrated scowl.

"Yeah, yeah." Sam took over the stirring with a push at Dean and added a few spices. Putting the lid back over it he turned the heat down. "Grumpy old goot."

"Hey!" Dean smacked him but Sam didn't pay any attention to him and looked at Cas.

"You look good, Cas." Sam pointed towards him and Dean turned around, scanning over his face. "Yeah, Cas. You look.." He trailed off with a ghost of a smirk. "Like Cas." He coughed a laugh. He didn't miss the way Sam glared at his brother before returning his smile pointed at Cas.

Cas took his eyes from Dean and nodded his head. "You too, Sam. You grew so big I didn't recognize you at first." He smiled.

"Told you!" Dean chimed in.

"Shut up Dean."

"You.. shut up."

"So, Cas," Sam ignored his brother on his right and sat in a chair in front of the bar. "How long you been back?"

"Only a few days." He shrugged, lying. "Today was my second time leaving the house." Sam nodded. He was about to say something but then the microwave beeped loudly and Sam jumped up to stir the food while Dean got two bowls out. Sam turned the timer off and then took one of the bowls, pouring brown soup into his. Ah, the Winchester's famous chili.

Setting his steaming bowl he reached for a napkin. Putting that down too, he opened the fridge and turned to Cas half bent to look. "You can have some if you want. I made plenty."

"Sam, he doesn't eat." Dean said, pouring himself twice the amount of chili into his bowl, turning his neck to look back at Cas then at Sam.

"I know." He looked at Cas with a friendly smile. "But still, if you want, go ahead."

"Thank you. But the last time I tried to eat something I threw up black goo." He made a face and Sam agreed with a teasing grimace.

"That sucks man. You can't eat your toast." Dean put the lid over the steaming food that immediately fogged up. He turned around leaning against the counter he opened a drawer and pulled out two spoons as Sam turned with a water and a beer.

"I know. That's what my mom said." He said, watching the brothers exchange silverware for a beer.

Dean picked up his stuff he nodded his head, "How is your mom anyway?"

"She's good. Still herself," He shook his head with an eye roll. "When I got home she pushed to get me to eat which we all know how that ended."

Both the boys chuckled and they all traveled into the dining room table. Sam stayed behind and turned the light off in the previous room while Dean and Cas settled next to each other, Dean gulping half his food in a few bites.

"M'starving." He said around another bite of chili. Sam made a disgusted noise from Cas's left, he turned to look at the large man put his stuff down and then plopping down with a sigh.

"I can't believe your back dude!" Sam exclaimed, motioning to Cas with his arms and a big smile, "Wow." He breathed.

Cas ducked his head with a smile and small nod, "Yes. Your brother couldn't believe it either. I think he said 'you're back' like a hundred times." Dean glared at him with his mouth full and the boys both chuckled.

"So, Sam, I heard you're doing well in school. How is that going?" Cas raised his eyebrows and looked from Sam to Dean then back at Sam, arms crossed on the table.

"School's good, really good actually. There's this girl named Jessica, we're working on a project together right now and man..." Sam babbled on and on about a certain blonde girl all through out dinner, and while Cas thought it was amusing, he was sure Dean was thinking of leaving again.

Cas nodded along with a big smile plastered on his face while Sam talked and talked with both his face and big hand gestures. Dean slowed down his eating around the middle of his second serving and started to twirl around his food and stare into it with small eye rolls and insults every now and then. Sam only getting annoyed when Dean asked inappropriate questions.

In return, Cas told the brothers about the things he learned on the internet - which only Sam knew half of it and he was glad to share, and show them pictures of certain cats he wished to get - while Dean talked about his job and a new diner that sells decent burgers. He said he gave them a seven out of ten. 

His smile turned bigger and more genuine throughout the night they spent catching up. Both Sam and Cas laughing loudly when Dean returned the question. "Yeah. How about you Cas?" When Cas had asked what they did all these years.

"I've been dead, Dean." He teased with a shoulder bump.

Dean blushed brightly, "Right." He pursed his lips with a nod. "I knew that." 


	5. Dean's day - 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's in a good mood today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm super sick so this isn't edited all that great and lowkey a filler chapter i'm srry i suck

Dean closed his bedroom door with a dimpled smile. Freshly clean, nice clothes without any holes or torn frays and he actually bothered to style his hair decently. His favorite boots were on and he was heading down the stairs to the smell of bacon cooked from his brother. And if it couldn't get any better, he was about to do what he does best and fix up peoples cars for a nice salary, then later he was going to come home and have some burgers with his brother and his best friend.

So yeah, Dean was having a pretty darn good morning so far, considering he had to get up at seven.

By the time he made it down the stairs Sam was eating his breakfast with the paper blocking his face. "Mornin' Sammy." He smiled, reaching for the pieces of bacon that weren't burnt.

Dean turned his back to empty the used bag from the top of the coffee machine, "Morning." Sam said calmly. Even turned around Dean could feel his eyes on his back as he moved. He twisted his body and put his foot on the pedal of their trash can, throwing the bag into the trash and let go.

Rubbing his hands he turned around and smiled at the younger boy scrunched in the seat despite getting a tight lined smile in return. Dean grabbed a pan sitting in the drying rack and set it on the burner with a whistle.

"You seem happy this morning." Sam stated. Dean heard his fork against the plate and then the paper rattling closed.

He reached to the cupboard above him and grabbed a new bag along with the coffee beans. "Yeah." Dean nodded in agreement, putting the beans in the bag and closed it. Pushing the button with a small rattle from the old machine, he walked to the fridge and grabbed a single egg from the package.

Sam cleared his throat loudly, catching Dean's attention. "Not to burst your bubble or anything, but is there a reason why?" Sam got up from the chair. He brushed off his jeans and bent to pick up the empty plate with yellow rubbed onto it and small crumbs of bacon, facing Dean expectedly.

"Finally goin' back to work." Dean replied, cracking the egg and turning around to lean casually against the counter next to the stove. He swallowed with ease and crossed his legs to look up with a smile.

Sam nodded smoothly. He took the plate in his hands and walked to the sink. Dean's eyes followed him which spun him all the way facing his eggs again with his head turned since he was close. "You were there three days ago."

"So?" Dean scoffed with a smile, "I love my work," he shrugged.

Sam blinked slowly.

Sam set the plate down and turned the faucet on, "You sure that's all?" He pushed lightly, unbuttoning the shirt on each wrist and rolled it up to his elbows. He rebuttoned them around his elbows and looked to his left.

"No." Dean smiled. He reached for the salt and pepper, sprinkling it lightly and then moving to the other counter to wait till his egg was ready to be flipped.

Sam looked down at his soapy hands with a light one sided shrug, "What's the other half?" he asked. His hair went in face as he looked up still scrubbing the fork so he moved his head and looked at Dean with his mouth slightly open.

"I actually have plans after work." He answered, in one quick motion he swiped a spatula and walked back to his eggs with a brown shadow. "And," He poked the eggs and pointed a finger at Sam with a waggle of his eyebrows. "we're having burgers. Bacon cheeseburgers and beer, Sam." He happily sighed.

Sam chuckled, turning back to rinse the soapy plate. "With Cas," He added, "and games."

Dean flipped the egg with a hiss from the pan. He smiled brightly agreeing, "Exactly man." He smacked his brother's shoulder. "It's gonna be a great day."

"I hope it is." Sam said, he put the plate and fork on the drying rack and flicked his hands over the sink. Turning off the water he grabbed a towel from the cabinet under the sink.

"Why? What's going on with you?" Dean flipped the egg once more and opened the cupboard on his right to get a plate. He set the plate on the counter, grabbing a piece of bacon and looked at his brother.

Sam let the red flannel fall back down his dried arms, "I've got a big test and then i've gotta try and get an interview." he looked up hurriedly at the clock above the sink.

"What kind of interview?" Dean asked, popping the rest of the piece of bacon into his mouth. He checked behind him for the egg starting to sizzle and turned around to put it on his plate.

"It's like an early program." Sam replied. "The school is funding a temporary job during schooling so I wanna try to get accepted upstate."

Dean turned the burner off and transferred some pieces of bacon onto his plate. He grabbed a mug and fork, setting the fork aside and took the handle from the machine to pour plain black coffee into his mug. Once done, he picked up all his stuff started off with a smile.

Sam already had his tan jacket on and rubbed his hair down. He looked around the room as if checking if he needed anything else. "Way to go Sammy!" Dean cheered proudly. He slapped the taller boy on the shoulder as he passed.

It was just like yesterday Sam told Dean he was going to be a lawyer and then actually getting accepted with a scholarship. Sam had been so happy he swore he was going to get all A's, and when he first got his grade and it was a B he thought he bust his luck and started studying the books so much he ended up getting ahead of the class.

Dean told Sam he was being a little overboard but apparently he wasn't since he actually had straight A's and the next thing they knew he was getting talked proudly about. They even said he had a good chance of getting referred to any place he wanted to go, and Dean couldn't get any prouder.

Sam smiled and picked up the bag that he refused to call a purse, slinging it over his shoulder he called his goodbye. Dean sat in the chair with a hurried, "Good luck!" He called with his back to the door and a second later he heard it close.

Dean sighed happily into his food and a shake of his head. He mixed the bacon and egg in his mouth and chewed with a hum. "This is delicious." He swallowed down the food and washed it down with coffee, talking down at the half eaten food already. He took another big bite and looked at the clock similar to Sam, except this time he was on time.

When he was done after a few more bites and chugs, he rinsed his plate so it was clean enough to easily wash later and looked at the clock one more time before grabbing his wallet, keys and phone.

The jeep was warm and he was already sweating by the time he made it into his car so the first thing he did was make an immediate reach for the AC. He messed with the controls of the air and turned on his music while he slipped off the blue coat since it was supposed to be a hot day. Per usual. 

 

++++

 

Once he parked the jeep and walked across the street and opened the door with an annoying charm that Bobby claimed he needed or else he wouldn't have the best impression on people, he walked through the whole shop until he found Bobby's office.

"Mornin' Bobby." Dean cheered, closing the door behind him.

Surrounded by papers all around him and signing something, Bobby looked up and adjusted his cap. "Mornin." He grumbled. Dean looked around the office, knowing the familiar routine of all nighters and messy offices. Lately Bobby has been really close to losing the shop, so he's been doing everything in his power to keep it, which meant more money and lots of paperwork.

"Listen, I don't have time for mornin' chit chat so do me a favor. Alastair is coming in to pick up his car so go and finish up the last touches and bring it down. I'll get his paperwork ready." Bobby said, looking around him and then moved the swivel chair towards the right and picked through the middle of the tall paperwork on each sides of him. He took the current folder and set it on one of the piles on the desk.

"Well?" He rose his grey eyebrows, he waved his hands towards the door irritated. 

Dean raised his arms in surrender, "Going." he bowed his head and turned. "I'm goin." He said to the open hallway.

"And make it good! If he's happy with your work than he's paying good money." Bobby yelled. Dean nodded and did as told so hopefully the guy would pay a lot since it would really help Bobby.

Dean went to his locker and emptied all his belongings into the rusting, almost broken locker that sat alone on top of a table, and pulled the navy jumpsuit from the scrunched ball on the bottom shelf.

He took off his boots and stepped into the baggy pants and zipped it up to waist before switching his shoes to the paint stained, stinky pair of boots with a growing hole on the side. They used to be brown and pretty decent but he's used them for so long they're almost black with oil stains, leftover gum he stepped on over the years and paint stains sprinkled over everything else. 

As he passed through the hallway, he picked up an innocent rag that he'll destroy by the end of the day and zipped the suit up to his collar, stuffing the rag into his pocket. Once he looked up Bea was at the counter with the phone in front of her.

"Mornin," He chirped, holding up a still hand with a friendly smile.

The brunette girl looked up with a pale face and big brown eyes politely smiling back at him. "Good morning." She replied, offering a small wave.

He nodded at her and she wished him a good day. Dean yelled a response wishing her one too just because he was in a good mood, and even though he was fixing up the car of quite possibly the biggest douche in town, he still brought the car down with a hum and ignored the inside filled with not so hidden guns and take out trash while the outside had scratches from where he'd gotten keyed. _Four times._  The scratches almost surrounded the car now.

Dean opened the hood with guidance from the machine bringing the car from the second story. He had gotten most of the work done last week so all he had to do after the big job was a simple check up and oil change since he (the only man to talk so big) didn't know how to do it himself.

Dean decided to do the check up on the car first, but it turned out the car was fine from what he could see so he turned around, dodging the small table next to him and walked up the simple one step to get the oil from the big collection of different supplies. Which, just so happened to be next to the stereo with one of his CD's in it.

Chuckling, he pressed the button to turn it on, waiting for the old thing to boot up. Once it did, he gave it another minute since he knew that even if it was on it lagged if you didn't let it really work correctly. He changed the pop song to CD mode and waited another minute with the disk spinning and a weird fanning noise.

It finally started to play a few seconds later so when the first song started blasting he skipped to the third song, hit shuffle and walked over to the car with uncapped oil.

Dean was bent halfway to unscrew the cap to get started when on his left the door opened and then Bobby moved from the corner of his eye. A second later the music was off.

Despite him turning off Metallica, Dean turned his neck to follow him walking and said a calm, "Hey Bobby." in front of the car. 

Bobby sighed deeply, stopping beside him to look over the car with a tired frown. "How's it coming?" He raised the paperwork in his hands with the other hand resting on top of his hat.

"Coming along great." He smiled at the tired man. Dean could already see that Bobby had pulled an all nighter to stay here the entire night from the dark bags and red skin. "Just need to finish this and it's all set to go." He tipped his head at the car and turned to focus on the task he just started.

"Yeah. Well get used to it." Bobby grumbled, "You'll be taking all the garage appointments today. I've gotta get half of that paper work finished before it's due." he went around the low, red car and threw the small stack of papers on the top of the car.

Dean puckered his lips in thought, "I'm alright with that." he followed the liquid with his eyes disappearing into the dark of the car.

Bobby looked around the shop, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Looking at him unamused, "Well aren't you chipper today." His shoulders bobbed up with at the word chipper, eyes squinting at him.

Dean shrugged with a small chuckle to himself. "Yeah, I guess so."

"What's up with you?" He asked after looking over the papers, apparently wanting to kill his mood.

Dean looked around the shop until his eyes found Bobby, "Nothing. Just havin' a good morning." he said. He retracted his hand with the oil and looked down. Pulling away he pushed the cap back on the oil, stepping away.

Dean set the half empty bottle on the table nearby and grabbed the cap for the car.

Bobby grunted, "I don't believe you for a second. What really happened? And don't say nothin' either, boy. I haven't seen you this good of a mood in years."

Dean set the hood of the car down, looking at Bobby with a faltering smile, he waited a moment or two to answer. He pulled the rag out and swayed his body backwards whilst he tried to rub his hands clean. "Cas is back." He mumbled.

"What?" Bobby gasped quietly. Dean nodded.

"Like-"

"Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer." Dean finished, Bobby sat back and processed the new information silently. Before he got another chance to say anything, or in this case ask questions, a voice interrupted them.

"Hello, boys." A lispy, calm voice called and footsteps slowly approached them. Dean resisted the urge to spit out an insult in return. 

"Alastair." Bobby nodded firmly, he added a cold tone to his voice.

Alastair turned his creepy smile to Bobby, nodding his head in return. "My car finished?" He asked easily. His eyes roamed over his messed up car with a little bit of a dancing type of sway to his body, like he was tapping.

"Yep. Just did your oil change." Dean smirked, catching his attention. Alastair looked over at Dean with a glare that was normal for him, "Well I suppose I should pay now," he dragged on, sighing.

"Yeah, I think so." Bobby scoffed, Dean hit his arm shoulder, reminding him that he has to avoid lowering his 'offer' from his side of the bet.

To be honest, Dean didn't exactly know what was going on, but Bobby and Alastair had some bet, or deal, going on that resolved in getting a much higher price than the usual amount for something so little, but of course Bobby took the deal from the douche since it was really all he had.

Alastair huffed, turning around to carelessly walk through the dirty place, only looking down at his shiny shoes and white button up when he stepped on the stained carpet with oil from when they walked in just after a job.

"Right through there," Bobby pointed to his office from behind Alastair, putting his finger in his face so he'd see the office sign. Alastair walked without a word.

"I see you've been busy." Alastair chuckled darkly, his shoulders going up and down in the chair he was sitting in.

Dean in the back of the room held in a remark, instead settling for a glare at the back of his head. He hoped he felt it too, he thought. And he better not pull some trick on Bobby either. He was just the guy to pull something like that. Dean would seriously beat him to a pulp if he even tried, too.

Bobby ignored him as politely as he could, sitting in the chair with a protesting squeak and setting the paperwork he had on top of the car onto the desk with a file in his hand, "Shall we?"

++++

Almost an hour, held in remarks or urges to beat Alistair to a pulp and lots of patience later, they finally closed the deal.  

"I can't believe he did it!" Dean cheered, slapping Bobby on the back as they walked out. Bobby chuckled along with a smile, "Me neither." he shook his head and adjusted his cap.

They both walked out with smiles, meeting Bea in the entrance room. "He did it!" Dean cheered to the brunette, who only smiled a little bit with her hand on her chin.

"That's great." She mumbled, "Really." Bea added, fixing her purple long sleeves.

The both of them quieted down the chants and constant slapping each other when Bea was only sitting there frowning. Usually she was a hyper one, nobody needed to remind her to loosen up as she was naturally like that.

Dean blinked taken back. "What's wrong? We just sold a big deal. The store is gonna be helped a ton, and Bobby said if there was leftover's he'd get some new supplies." He looked back at Bobby who nodded his head in agreement. Everyone knew Bea loved the store as much as the two standing in front of her.

She looked up again, shaking her head. "Wow, guys. That's... amazing!" She tried sounding slightly more excited than before with a brighter smile but they weren't buying it.

"Bea, what happened?"

Bea sighed, dropping the smile instantly and looking back down at the desk and then at her sleeves and finally resting on the computer, she clicked a few things in silence.

"Well take your time princess." Bobby grumbled behind Dean.

Bea looked at them again, slightly more tense now. "It's nothing. It's just, that Alastair said some things while he was here," She bit her lip in a dejected mood, sighing big every now and then. She rubbed her wrist again. 

Dean twisted his body to look at Bobby behind him, who caught his eye and shrugged, looking back at Bea. Dean followed, walking to the desk and leaned on it. "What'd he say?" 

Alastair said something to everyone wherever he went, even a kid if he was in a bad mood. It was just who the douchebag was, so Dean was sure he was bound to say something to her, but this time it must've been bigger since it got to her.

Bea cleared her throat, avoiding eye contact in nervousness. For a second Dean felt bad. She seemed to always get the crap from people. Even if she wasn't doing anything, she was always the target, and she didn't deserve any of it.

"Nothing too serious. Just reminded me of what he did and stuff, like he could do. Told me to stay in line I guess?" She shrugged, "It's not a surprise really, he seems to do that when he sees me."

"Wait, so he threatened you because you're a Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer?" Dean lowered his head till he was in her eye sight, sighing with a frustrated hum. 

Bea nodded.

"Almost everyone who is PDS sufferer is, and if they don't then they're pretty lucky. Or stay inside all day. We really have no choice to fight back."

Dean looked up at the almost molding corner in the very top of the shop, shaking his head. "This is unbelievable. You'll tell us if this happens again right?" He asked, she mumbled a yes when the phone ringed.

"Anyways, congratulations guys but I have someone on hold already. If they didn't hang up yet." she added, picking up the phone and pressing a few buttons before she said the usual greeting, sliding over a pen and paper.

"It's best to just leave it alone, son." Bobby mumbled, they both were walking back to his office until they stopped in the hallway.

"But-"

"Look, I don't like it either but we just made a really good deal and his car is fine so he won't be comin' round here for a long time." Dean rubbed his tongue over his teeth, feeling restless and shifting around trying not to get angry. "And she'll give us a heads up so I know we both won't let anything happen to her." Bobby added calmly. Dean saw he was trying to get past it too from the look of his scowl.

Dean nodded stubbornly because really there wasn't much else he could do.

"Good. Now get to work, I left a list in the garage. Today's a busy day for you." Bobby slapped his back, opening his door and slamming it in his face.

Dean went to walk away when Bea slid the phone on her shoulder and called his name. He turned around to see her with raised eyebrows and a confused look. "Alastair told me to tell you that Lilith says hi. Whatever that means?" She said, then turned back to the phone without another word. 

++++

On the way home, Dean stopped at the local store and shot off a text to Sam and then Cas telling them he was on his way home from a very stressful day at work.

Yeah, they made the deal, got some decent money and easier cars to work on for Dean, but still no matter how hard he tried not to think about it, it caught up to him. What did he say to Bea? Why would Lilith say send a message to him? Were others being treated as serious as she said? Was Cas being treated like that? He better not have or else Dean would track 'em down.

Cas replied with a simple one sentence that he was walking over now, and Sam said he was studying in the living room. 

 Dean had made it past the thousandth red light and walked up to the door with three bags in hand. He unlocked the door to find Sam and Cas chatting over an open book with Cas leaning over Sam, who was nodding.

"I'm home!" He called out. They both stopped talking and looked up, each with different expressions. Dean kicked off his boots with a sigh and paddled his throbbing feet into the kitchen. He set the bags down, Sam and Cas appearing from the hallway with their greetings, and throwing off his jacket.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, you brought food. I forgot about that." Sam said, reaching to see what was in the bag but Dean was quick to steal the bags and set them near the stove.

"How was work?" Cas asked, quietly in the back with shy arms wrapped around his torso.

"Work was..." He squinted one eye, stopping midway from taking out the meat, shrugging he replied, "Both good and bad."

"Why's that?" Sam questioned.

Dean sighed, turning the burner on and immediately adding the pan over it. He bit his lip while he silently got the supplies ready to cook."Well Bobby got a really good deal today so that's good."

"Yeah, that is great." Sam nodded. Dean heard the fridge open and then closing. The sound of a water bottled opened and then someone chugging it, obviously Sam though.

"And the bad part?" Cas showed up next to him, sliding onto the counter and sitting in the corner with a slouch, Dean looked over to see him waiting expectedly.

"Well Bea got threatened by Alastair, and then douchebags came in and almost robbed the place," he blew the air from his cheeks, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. "Weird things just kept happening." He avoided telling them about Lilith's message just in case. 

"Oh." Cas frowned, looking at his rocking legs in black skinny jeans that couldn't be all that comfortable. "That doesn't sound pleasant."

"Eh," Dean tilted his head, looking sideways down at the sizzling patty he just threw on it. "Yeah, but it's over now so we're gonna eat burgers. I'm gonna have a beer and we're gonna play some games." He smiled. Sam chimed in with a small excuse to put his stuff away and then promised to be back down in a second.

Both Dean and Cas nodded, eyes following the guy skipping two stairs at a time until he disappeared with a door slam shut. The two of them sat quietly with the food sizzling and Dean rubbing his neck, when a burger was done and he slipped another on, looking at the pale boy deep in thought.

"Hey, Cas. Can I ask you a question?" His tired, gruff voice called out, blinking slowly.

"Of course." Cas nodded with pursed lips, "What's up?" he licked the dark lips.

"I.. Have you ever..." He stumbled, suddenly he couldn't get the thoughts out and he didn't know why since it was such a simple question. _Just ask_ , he grumbled inwardly, _just say it._ "Have you ever been, you know," he bobbed his head in hopes he got what he was trying to say. "uh, bullied or something? Because you're a Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer?"

Cas retracted his neck, looking away as if he was thinking about it. Well at least that was good, he had to think about it, which meant nothing came to mind, and honestly Dean stopped himself right there. Of course he cared, and he would do something if something did happen, but why was he fretting? Cas would've said something to him.

"Not really." He shook his head with a one second frown, "I mean not necessarily because i'm a Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer, it was really because I had my music too loud." 

Dean dropped his shoulders in relief, clearing his throat. "Well, that's good."

Cas shrugged and Dean turned to get some more ingredients, "I guess so."

Dean lowered the temperature on the multiple patties cooking with smoke rising in big clouds, reaching for the fridge and asking Cas to grab a few things from the cupboard he was leaning on. "This?" Cas asked, but Dean was facing away so he let him hang for a second.

The sound of footsteps followed by Sam, "Usually. That's his secret ingredient." Sam appeared. 

Dean turned around with his supplies and kicked his foot against the fridge door until it shut with one push from his elbow against the cupboard, "Look who was finally able to show. Dinner's almost ready." he teased with a headshake.

Sam rolled his eyes, lowering his head as he did so.  "I was gone for a second, Dean."

Dean scoffed in reply, "More like minutes. What'd you do anyways?" Dean let the temperature rise again, sprinkling more salt onto the uncooked meat with all the other ingredients already on.

"I had a phone call to make." He replied, giving limited information.

"To who? And did you get that interview?"

"What interview?" Cas turned his body to look in between Dean and then Sam, who sat down in the seat at the end of their table so he could see the both of them.

He opened his mouth to reply but Dean beat him to it. "Sammy's tryin' to get a job interview upstate."

"Wow. Really?" Cas stretched his body to show Sam his surprised face, asking him. "It's a big deal to get up there."

"It is." Sam answered, "Unfortunately no, I didn't get it today since we had a sub, but i'll try again tomorrow. And not that it matters, but I called a friend."

Dean quirked an eyebrow, looking at Cas with a smirk, but ignored his his brother's stare when he replied. "How's Jess?"

"How did you? Jess is fine." Sam snapped.

Dean sniggered, "Sam you have no friends other than the one you keep getting friendzoned by."

Behind him, he heard Sam clamp his mouth shut with a frustrated growl. "Shut up, Dean!" Dean laughed loudly in mockery, putting the final burger on the side. He put the greasy pan under the water, hissing loudly and left it with a small cloud of smoke getting smaller.

Cas got out the plates and napkins and such, while Sam got the drinks and Dean was the first to put together his burger with a growling stomach.

"Let's go eat, and stay up all night with these free games we got sent." Dean cheered, putting his burger in the air as a toast.

"I have school in the morning and you have to work." Sam replied, setting their drinks down and pushing Dean away so he could fit to make his own. Dean took a big bite from his burger, ripping his mouth from it with sloppy open mouthed chewing.

"You're such a buzzkill." He mumbled. Cas followed the boys, calling first dibs since he wasn't distracted by food, and amused them with his really bad habit of not wanting to hurt people, even in the game, so when he lost control of the car and hit someone yelling, "I'm sorry," both the brothers burst out laughing. Dean slapping a hand on his back with his beer in hand.

"You're doin' great, man." He laughed, obviously lying, Cas scowled at him but turned back to the game.

+++++++

 

"Wow, well it was nice seeing you, Cas. Come by tomorrow and we can all do something?" Sam asked with hopeful eyebrows raised. Cas stood in the door frame with listening ears. He tilted his head with his eyes looking up, listening to the rambling mess of a brother Dean had.

Dean knew Cas couldn't resist the slight puppy dog eyes he was giving him, he never could. Dean silently hoped he would say yes, telling Sam inwardly to harden the puppy eyes. "I mean, I know we just spent the last two nights with each other but we haven't seen you in years." Sam breathed.

"Of course, Sam. I would love too." Cas nodded, smiling at him. It was a small smile.

"Great. I have classes in the morning but Dean will be home all afternoon because he's a loser." He laughed and Dean - who was behind him - slapped the back of his head with a scowl, even though it was sadly true. Maybe he and Cas could play some more of the video games, or hang out somewhere. 

Cas chuckled, covering his mouth his palm as his shoulders shaked, "Okay." he said, his voice wavering in the laugh.

"Okay," Sam agreed, clapping his hands. Twitching his body and looking around before stepping out for a quick hug. "See you later, Cas."

Sam let go with a pat, "Goodnight, Sam." Cas waved with a chuckle.

"Jesus," Dean finally heaved, rubbing his forehead. Looking behind him to see his brother out of hearing distance he turned back to Cas with a tired smile. "I haven't seen him that excited since he was a kid." He said, "It's great though." He quickly added, hands out and he looked Cas in the eye.

"He reminds me of a puppy dog getting excited." Cas answered, looking over Dean's shoulder to see him unhooking the game from the tv, still smiling to himself.

Dean agreed, and Cas watched as he rubbed his eyes with a tired groan. "So I hear you're coming over tomorrow?"

"Maybe." He teased. Dean rolled his eyes.

"Feel free to come over whenever. I'll be home all day."

"Sam said you would."

"I know." Dean raised his voice with his head turned to look back at Sam, who flipped him off. Turning back around Dean leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed, licking his lips. "Door will be open."

"Alright. See you tomorrow, Dean." He turned to leave and Dean backed up as well.

Dean huffed with a smile and a ghost of a nod appeared, "Bye, Cas." He shut the door.

Dean locked the door again and found his brother in his room already so he turned all the lights off donwstairs and made his way into the bathroom to brush his teeth and rinse the sticky gel from his hair, then making his way into his room.

He put on a grey shirt and replaced his jeans with a pair of black sweatpants, taking his socks and watch off. Dean was about to get into bed, exhausted, when he saw movement from the side of the bed he was standing at. He turned his neck curiously to look from his window just in time to move the curtains away and see Cas stood in his pajamas similar to his beside his own bed.

Surprised that he was there, Dean looked over with wide eyes that quickly turned into a smile. Hesitantly, Dean reached outward and unlocked the window. They both used to keep theirs unlocked if one snuck in during the night, sometimes mornings when one wouldn't wake up early enough and basically became human alarm clocks for each other.

And just like they used too, they both waved before reaching forward and shutting off the light. Cas' was just a second first with Dean's following suit and he saw Cas walking towards his bed in the dark.

Once his figure was gone, Dean pulled his hand away from the light and walked to his bed. Climbing in with a grin spread onto his cheeks, he fell asleep. Excited for the next day.


	6. Painful memories - 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas chats with an old friend and learns what's going on in the town, and meets the wrath of a very evil girl named Lilith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all i can say is hooolllllllyyyyy crap this chapter made me get into a real deep and emotional state to write. and as my goal, i hope i wrote good enough to do something to your feels

      The next morning Cas woke up to his doorbell ringing, and it's constant.

At first he thought it was Dean being annoying, or possibly Sam, but then he remembered that Sam had classes and if Dean wanted to bother him than he'd throw rocks at his window or just let himself in either through his window or the spare key he knew was hidden. But Dean was expecting Cas so he couldn't have.

With his mom at work, he pieced together that it had to have been someone else. Though he didn't know who would be continuously knocking and ringing for twenty minutes straight. It must be important then.

Cas figured if they really wanted him to answer than they would keep going long enough for him to put a single layer of mousse and contacts. "Hold on!" He shouted out into the hallway, pulling his body over the railing and leaning his hips onto the wood. Quickly spinning around he ran to the bathroom behind him and shoved the contacts on then smudging a single layer. He'd be paler than the second layer, but it would work.

He held onto the railing as he stomped down the stairs and continued calling that he would be there in a second. "Coming!" He called at last stopping in front of the hallway before calmly walking the three steps to the door.

He unlocked it and the door swung open immediately. "So, it's true."

Brown hair with a white stripe in the front, eyes that were brown now white and destroyed. Plump lips turned into a blackish hue and pale white flesh without any cover up. Teeth still shining white with a smile and open arms that belonged to no other than...

_"Ruby?"_

"Well look at that. You even put your makeup on for me."

"What are you doing here?" Cas squinted, looking over her face. Her smile turned into a smirk as she pushed through. He could smell the perfume she covered herself in and her dark veins showed in the grey tank top she wore, black pants and boots covered everything else. 

"Aw, come on." She spun around looking all around his house. "Didn't you miss me? We were like best friends once."

"I wouldn't say best friends." He looked at the house on the right.

"Lover boy doesn't count." She waggled her eyebrows and Cas resisted the urge to close the door, so he settled for a glare. He told her _one_ time. And he was drunk. But still, she could never let it go that he went full on poetic about his feelings for Dean when he was sixteen while they hid in a literal closet. A _closet._ Cas has never wanted to bury a memory as much as he did for that one.

"I didn't know you were," He pointed to her body with a nod. He really didn't. It must've been after him because he never heard the news, and it was a pretty known town for gossip. 

"What?" She shrugged. "A Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer?" She threw the leather jacket from her hands onto the nearest table which happened to be the shelf with family photos and a few of the photos he took. "Please." She scoffed. A beat of silence past them, Cas stared at her until she finally spoke up. "I came to warn you."

"About?" He questioned.

"The living." She twisted her body and Cas heard metal chiming out of it's place. He watched her hands come around with a knife a little bigger than her head, she eyed him coldly.

"Woah," He stepped backwards with wide eyes. Was it because he used to steal her french fries? Or because he was the one to tell her Sam didn't like her back? "Listen if-"

Ruby's grunt interrupted him before he could apologize, and flipped it around to hand him the handle. "Relax, Cassie."

"Don't call me that." His voice was weary. Cas honestly didn't know how someone could bring him so much annoyance, even dead. Still, he held the insults bitten between his teeth. Afterall, she still had the knife in her hands. She could easily flip it again. 

Cas remembered Ruby from when he was human in school. At first she kept hanging around Cas for reasons he didn't know, but then he would catch her staring at Sam and getting the boys attention any chance she got. She even admitted it after she got jealous over one of his girlfriends and they ended up talking about their feelings. Like mentioned, Cas went as far as admitting his feelings for Dean when she got him drunk one night.

Her answer had been a sarcastic _'wow_ ' because apparently 'everyone knew that already.' She told him he was alright and they hung out during lunch when Dean was too busy with sports or something involving making up schoolwork since he never did it. Still though, they both admitted they annoyed each other constantly and fifteen minutes a day of each others company was enough.

"Come on," She wiggled the knife. It shined along with her purple painted nails holding the tip of the blade. "Take it."

"Why?"

"So you'll be able to protect yourself."

"Why will I need to protect myself?" He sighed, letting his shoulders rest now that he knew she wasn't planning on trying anything.

Something clicked in her expression. Most likely that he _couldn't_ read her mind, and that she still hadn't explained why she was here after years of no contact, with a knife saying he needed protection. "Come here." She flipped her hand inwards and pulled out a cellphone similar to the one his mom gave him, only hers was bigger and gold. She slid her thumb over the blinking words on the bottom and typed in a password that contained four 6's with a click.

Cas rolled his eyes but slid his body to stand closer. Ruby tapped her finger over the white arrow and rest the phone in his hands. 

The phone buffered, going in and out with teens messing around who looked to be drunk. Cas looked up from the video with a confused glare but she ignored him by ushering to the phone.

He pressed his lips together and she stood closer with their shoulders touching. Ignoring it, he continued watching the dumb teens and when the girl started dancing he was about to pause the video and ask what he was watching but, then the video shook as the teens gasped, all turning to the side and it all became blurry.

The teens all stopped and the camera quickly found a girl with blonde hair braided back and a menacing glare, her gun pointing forward along with two other guns following the arms of a young black man and a white man on the other side of the girl. The whole city froze from it's honking and laughter, and anyone walking was now stopped to the side. It became silent, even the teens.

Cas had never seen anything like this before. He pulled the blurry moving video closer to his eyes with concentration.

The video was moving around a lot and it was hard to make out a lot of it but he recognized the background to be in the city. It was a little farther than him but he has been there before, on duty. The camera then found a pale, heavy breathing crouched girl. One of his kind, a Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferer.

"Oh no." Cas whispered. He had a feeling what was going to happen next, but he did _not_ want to see it before his eyes on a screen he could do nothing about.

A few people were screaming out to them but the blonde girl looked back at the boys and they moved closer till they surrounded the girl.

"Please!" The girl cried out, only to get hit with the back of the gun. He hadn't heard what the blonde had said since she whispered it into the girl's ear but he figured it was some kind of threat.

He looked back at Ruby who frowned down at the phone, she looked up at him then back at the phone. Cas followed his hesitant gaze back to the video. The camera zoomed into the four of them. Cas saw a symbol on the blonde's arm, on all of their brown coats actually, all three of them matched up to HVF in bright red colors.

The group was talking to one another so Cas took the chance to lower the phone and turn towards the brunette. She wasn't making any sense anymore. "What's HVF?" 

Ruby shushed him and hurriedly brought his arm back up, she pushed him to look back to the screen, "Just watch."

Cas squinted, swallowed the bad feeling and obeyed.

They all looked like they were done talking by now. Some were going up to them, hopefully trying to stop them but the bearded men in the back raised their guns to them. "It needs to be done!" The man on the left shouted, glaring at everyone. "They can't just walk the streets."

He looked back at the other two, "What they did in their untreated state?" He scoffed, "Is no excuse! A rabid,"

"is a rabid!" The blonde finished for him, raising her arm in a fist pump and the last man nodded. "Now," She started, stepping forward and the men stepped behind her. Loading her gun she returned the gun to the trembling girl's head. "take those lenses out."

Two full minutes passed of shoving people away, talking in small conversation and all waited for the girl to do as said. The redhead looked up, confused, but obeyed with shaking fingers and she looked back up at the blonde.

"There you are."

The camera turned and Cas heard screaming. It was loud even in the phone but the gunshot he heard next was even louder.

Cas gasped and Ruby snatched the phone from his hands, locking it and shoving it back into her pocket. "See?" She sighed, "That was this morning. In the last week 6 have been 'rabid' and have been killed." She raised her hands in quotations on the word rabid. "All by that group."

"What?" He breathed out, "I thought.." His breathless voice trailed off. Someone just recorded a murder, why weren't they getting arrested? They should be in jail by now. They have proof to do it.

"You seriously didn't think it would be all sunshine and rainbows did you?" She rolled her eyes picking up the jacket. "I'm doing research on how to stop it. All the laws and all that crap." She waved her hands in whatever. "I'll keep you updated but until then, take this."

He eyed the outreached arm with the knife wiggling again. He looked down and took it this time. Cas couldn't believe this was happening, especially so close to him. What if he was next? Or Ruby? The girl got on his nerves and all but he didn't want her killed for being PDS.

"Thanks, Ruby." He said genuinely and she nodded.

"I'm late for work but come visit me sometime. I worry about you."

"You should be worrying for yourself." 

"Well, i'm not gullible like you. I know how to fight," She threw her arms up in fists, play punching. "you know, start a riot."

Cas nodded, and she stepped backwards with a teasing smirk. "Bye, Ruby."

"Later loverboy!" She hollered with a wave. Even though she was already halfway down the street. 

Cas ignored the nickname and shut the door almost immediately. Locking both locks too, then stomped up the stairs looking behind him every few steps despite knowing nobody was in the house. 

Opening the door to his room, Cas felt the breeze of the door but ignored it and eyed the room with his eyes. He tugged the sweats with trouble shimming into the skinny jeans and danced slash jumped around his room. He tore off a black knitted sweater from the hanger and threw it over his grey shirt while he looked into the window across from him.

He spotted an arm hanging limply off the bed which meant Dean was still sleeping. Rolling his eyes he got out a pair of white socks that were immediately covered by his black converse then went into the bathroom.

He eyed the bottom cabinet for a few seconds, when he didn't find the blue case he lifted himself up and eyed the counter, shaking his head with a frustrated growl when he still didn't see it.

Cas checked the side of the counter thinking it fell off but nothing. He checked the shelf behind him but found no blue case. Turning around he cleared the counter in a hurry, looking into the mirror with a grimace, he opened the mirror on his right and sighed in relief with a physical slump of his body.

Cas filled the bottle once again throwing the instructions to the side and reached backwards with his eyes closed, waiting for the pain to come.

He pushed the handle with a hiss coming from both the machine and him. He leaned his body over the counter, dropping the machine he shook his head. He couldn't dwell right now he had to get to Dean. Leaving the mess he made in both the bathroom and his room, he let go of his sweater and un-hunched his body.

When he reached down the stairs, the first thing his eyes found was the knife sitting next to the black and white photo he took on his trip to the ocean with the Winchester's. Watching as the mousse covered fingers picked up the wooden handle of the silver knife and holding the slightly heavy thing lightly, as if it didn't really exist. He brought it up to his eyes closely and spotted the wavy lines of the knife and that it had weird symbols carved into it.

 _Leave it up to Ruby to bring him a knife that wasn't even normal looking._ Cas looked at the door and plucked the knife into the back of his waistband, locking both locks once he made it into the sunny pavement.

And when he made it towards the Winchester's house he walked right in since it was unlocked as said, but then locking those doors behind him too.

"Dean?" He called out. Eyeing the staircase he waited in the silence, "Dean? Wake up!" He shouted with one leg hovering over the first stair. Cas heard more silence so he started walking up the stairs loud enough to, hopefully, wake the beast.

"Dean," He opened the door harshly and Dean jumped up with a snort. Cas wanted to chuckle at the hair sticking to his forehead and Dean looked at Cas with one eye open and the other closed, triple chin being pushed further into his neck. "Time is it?"

Cas's eyes found the alarm clock sitting next to the bed and read the red numbers from the device. "It is ten- fifty three in the morning." He blinked with his hand still on the door handle.

Dean groaned with a shake of his head, "Nope. Wake me up in four hours."

"Seriously? You still wake up at three in the afternoon?" Cas asked. He wondered what he did for getting the laziest person as his friend since he was constantly going, or was, before. People, (only his mother and the Winchester's) told him he resembled a humming bird because even watching Dean's star wars movie marathons he couldn't sit still for very long.

"So what." Dean snapped, covering his face with his blanket.

Cas ripped the blanket off with pursed lips. "I would let you sleep if this wasn't important." He argued at the groaning Dean curling into a fetus position.

Silencefilled the room.

" _Dean_." He whined. Dean didn't say anything so Cas slapped his thigh with a huff. Why was waking him up so difficult? 

"Fine!" He shot up, hands up in surrender. "Fine." He repeated.

Cas let one side of his lips slightly quirk, knowing he won as he watched Dean rub his thigh with a painful grimace. He sat on the bed while Dean snatched his blanket from his hands. "Okay, so you remember Ruby?"

"The one with a crush on Sam?" He asked gruffly.

He nodded. "Yeah. She woke me up, banging on my door-"

"That wasn't just my dream?"

"No." Cas snapped, shuffling on the bed, "She showed me this video and there was this group.." He trailed off, trying to rack his brain with the name. His head tilted up and spotted the signal on a green jacket hanging from a tack on Dean's wall, he frowned. "the HVF. What was the HVF?"

"Um," Dean rubbed his eyes. "Human Volunteer Force. It was created by the people in the town a little after you uh.. We started breaking down the chains and fences and went out looking for them instead of only clearing the streets and hiding since the government weren't doing anything. It was like the group you and I were in before, except harsher and people came in to uh, kill."

" _We_?"

"Yeah. Somehow they thought I was a control freak with a good shot so they voted for me to be the leader or something." He shrugged. "I didn't mind it. They were clueless idiots when it came down to it."

"What did you do? To the rabids?"

"At first we killed them, it was the only reasonable thing to do, but then the scientists or whatever came out with the news so we started bringing them in and got money for it. When the city was clear the chains came off and everyone was forced to bring in all of the weapons because some laws were made." He yawned. "Sam knows all about it."

"So, it's against the law?" 

"What do you care?"

"I don't have my laptop." Cas tsked. He'd have to email Ruby and Charlie about this and see if they know. Ruby most likely did since she was checking the laws but he'd still ask and try to find out what they could do. The video could be used a evidence, along with all the six others that were killed. Or at least he hoped.

"Use mine." Dean added. He was finally fully waking up and getting up from his cocoon.

"You have a laptop?" He asked, surprised.

Years ago Dean could only stand his out of date flip phone and tv, max. He always made fun of Cas for keeping up with the technology and didn't like the fact that he 'wasted' all his saved money on his laptop for months. Scoffing distastefully every time he brought it out.

"It's twenty- sixteen," He blushed looking down. "Get with it." Cas huffed a laugh and Dean grumbled his way out of his room with a slight limp. "It's on the floor somewhere. You'll have to find it." Dean waved off, followed by a pop of his spine when he stretched. 

Cas looked around the wrappers and clothed filled floor with distaste. He couldn't even see the floor anymore and it'd been so long since he saw it, and frankly he couldn't remember what color it even was. He picked up the first pile of clothes he saw and threw them into the cardboard box labeled hamper.

By the time Dean was back he had cleaned up all of the clothes into the over filling hamper and the same for the trash can with empty boxes of cookies and chips. "Your living habits are very gross." Cas huffed.

"And you're a complete clean freak." He grinned cheekily. "Thanks by the way. I can see my floor now." He sniggered climbing back onto his bed with jeans and a flannel on now.

"I couldn't find it."

"I swear," He looked around all of his floor, climbing from side to side on his mattress before looking up. "I'm going to kill Sam." He finished.

Dean climbed from the squeaky bed and Cas followed until they reached Sam's plain door. "Little bitch," Dean angrily muttered with the door swung open. Dean walked forward and took a thin white laptop from the desk, turning around to eye the room, he picked up a phone charger then opening the drawer of the bed side table. "What is my stuff doing in his room?" He grumbled, taking a bottle of cologne with a frown.

"I'm stealing his favorite hat then." Dean announced to Cas, meeting him in the hallway and handing him the laptop.

"Woah." He met Dean's eyes with his wide ones and open mouth. "This is light." 

"Yeah." Dean snarked. He moved the things he took in his hands and patted Cas on his back.

"What do you need it for anyways?" Dean asked, sitting on the bed Cas saw him stuff the hat into one of his drawers of his bedside table.

Cas laid down on the bed and opened the laptop. It immediately booted up with the logo reading chrome. "I didn't even turn it on." He said, watching as it was on his wallpaper then on google with barely anytime to see the wallpaper. It was most likely something cheesy like a car or a girl anyways.

"Cool right?" Dean climbed up the bed and watched over his shoulder. "Sam gave it to me on Christmas, but he keeps stealing it from me." Cas realized how close they were when he felt Dean's breath on his shoulder, Cas sheepishly looked away with a small nod. "Yeah, it is nice."

He signed out of Dean's gmail and into his, snorting when he saw all his junk mail and embarrassing responses to everyone, not to mention the latest coupon he got was from 2012.

Cas found Ruby's email and began typing while Dean was munching on something. He didn't know what but he suddenly heard a bag opening and then Dean's crisp chewing near his ear, laughing at him every few minutes. "You type slow."

"Well, this is new technology, Dean. Did you forget that I was dead for 4 years?" He sassed, shaking his head as he sent the email. Turning to Dean who looked away suddenly quiet.

"Yeah, well..." He shrugged lamely. Cas signed out of his account and shut the laptop since he knew Ruby was at work. By the time she answered he would probably be at home to check from his own laptop.

 Cas put the laptop onto the edge of the bed, Dean sighed and they sat in silence while Cas got his phone out and typed something similar to Charlie to warn her, also giving her Ruby's email so maybe she would be able to find something out. Which he was sure she would since she - turns out - was a pro hacker.

"I'm hungry."

Cas turned around to see Dean with an empty bag of chips and rubbing his stomach. "You just ate a bag of chips." Cas said from the warm spot on the red bedding.

"That wasn't real food. Besides, there was like five chips in that bag." He shot back, putting a hand on his chest like he was personally offended.

Cas laughed softly and he felt the mattress move then he saw Dean stretching near the door. His stomach showed from underneath and he saw two muscled squares on the pooch of his abdomen. He looked up at the slight double chin on the scrunched face of his friend and wondered how he wasn't obese at this point.

"You're impossible." Dean groaned. Cas sat up from the bed and moved to the edge, scooting the laptop away. Dean grabbed a pair of brown boots and carried them down the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

"Come on, let's go to the roadhouse. I'm feelin' a burger." He yelled, no doubt already downstairs. "Why'd you lock the door?"

 _Shit_. He still hadn't told Dean about what Ruby had said. He got so distracted by everything else and trying to piece it together in his mind and his friend distracting him that he had yet to explain why he had bust in, in the first place. "Dean wait!" Cas ran from the room and met eyes with a hangry Dean leaning on the bottom of the stairs. "What? Holy shit, why do you have a knife?"

Cas held the wooden handle in his arms and slowly went down the stairs. "We can't - _I_ can't - go out there." He pointed to the window indicating outside.

"Why?" Dean quirked a blonde eyebrow at him.

"The video. Ruby came by and showed me this video that happened this morning and gave me this knife to protect myself."

"Wanna elaborate there? What video? And who are you hiding from? You came in my room shouting and still you have yet to make sense, dude. Speak up."

"There's Partially Deceased Syndrome sufferers being killed. There was one caught on tape, and she didn't do anything and - and the girl just shot her!" Cas shouted, "Saying something about a rabid being a rabid. I don't know but I can't go out there." He closed his eyes and shook his head with a huff. "What if i'm one of them? There's been six in the last week." He opened his eyes. He was glad he couldn't feel a heartbeat spazzing in his chest, or sweat piling in his hands in fear.

"You're not gonna be one of them, Cas. I won't let them." Dean licked his lips, breaking eye contact to shrug on his leather jacket. "You're safe with me. You know that."

"I don't trust them."

"You've got me, you've got that weird knife and you're going to the roadhouse with people you know." Dean shrugged, "That seems pretty safe to me."

Cas sighed, "I guess you're right." He nibbled on his lip and looked around the room weighing his options. They were a town away and he wouldn't even be walking in the big part of the city anyways, just a ten minute drive to see really good friends. Cas nodded walking down the rest of the steps.

Dean grinned and they made their way out to the jeep. "Sam won't be back for a few hours." He said closing the door.

"Alright."

Dean turned the keys and Cas felt the car vibrating underneath him, the car roaring to life a minute later. Almost immediately Dean pushed the button that read CD, pulling from the driveway with a guitar solo welcoming the song. He saw Dean smile and tap his hand on the steering wheel.

 

+++++++

 

Cas didn't know whether to be worried, or impressed that Dean made a ten minute drive into four and a half, including parking and it making the five minute mark when they walked into the dark bar. Don't underestimate a hungry Dean, he supposed.

Instantly they were greeted with the sound of pool, angry drunks and the small rock music playing. He smelled the food first, mostly burgers, then the booze and stench of cigarettes. Ellen was behind the bar with an apron around her torso. Ellen was scolding Bobby while a raven haired boy refilled a customer's soda with a soft scowl of concentration.

"Hey Ellen!" Dean grinned, throwing an arm up to catch her attention which worked because she stopped mid argue, he believed she was about to pull out her finger and start pointing at Bobby but she mumbled one last thing and then shuffled around the bar.

"Dean," She smiled, "You haven't been in a while." From behind Dean he could see the back of his head nod. "Who'd ya bring? Must be someone special to bring here." Ellen chuckled, swatting Dean with her hand.

Dean didn't say anything except look behind him and moved to the side so Ellen could see his face which turned from a smile to a look that screamed surprise. "Cas?"

"Hello Ellen." Cas replied sheepishly sending a small half wave.

Ellen shot forward and hugged him with murmurs mixed with happy praises and lectures. "You came back." She pulled away with wide eyes, she kept one arm around Cas and hit Dean with the other.

"Ouch!"

"Boy, why didn't you tell me?"

"You should be smacking him! He wasn't gonna come here." Dean hissed cradling his arm. Ellen whipped around and slapped Cas's shoulder.

She switched her scowl from Dean to Cas. "That true?" Cas groaned and matched Dean with rubbing his arm, he looked from the floor to her and nodded. She slapped him again.

"Do you boys not care about us at all?" She turned and walked off while shaking her head. She tapped Bobby's back and he turned his head.

"No, it's not like that. Ellen come on." Dean whined and she commanded them to sit. Both boys sat immediately as Ellen stalked to the back. She was definitely angry. 

"Hey Bobby." Dean tried with a smile, only to get a glare. "So you tell me but not her?" He turned his body all the way around with a scowl. "You know, it hurts someone when someone don't tell her things as important as, oh I don't know, a family member coming back." He scolded Dean harshly with a raised voice, then looked at Cas for a brief second, turning back to Dean for a response.

Dean crossed his arms and bowed his head, "Sorry Bobby." he mumbled. Bobby nodded his head in triumph. "Don't do it again, boy." Dean didn't say anything. Obviously he wouldn't, but then again who else did he lose that year? Nobody.

"You too, Cas." Bobby turned to him. He could tell Bobby was trying to be mean and appear grumpy but he saw the small smile he gave the both of them, "Welcome back by the way." He tipped his hat.

"Thank you, Bobby. My apologies, I should have told you guys sooner." Cas looked down at his hands covered with mousse. Bobby slapped his back.

"Come on, Cas." Dean grabbed his shoulder with a nod at their usual - or old usual - seats. "Let's sit." Cas agreed with a nod.

They both found their seats and slid into the respective seats across from one another, Dean looked around the bar. No doubt trying to find Jo.

When his eyes didn't find the small blonde anywhere he frowned. "Can't find Jo." He mumbled. He sat upright and looked around the room once more before quirking an eyebrow. Cas saw Ellen walking over with two white styrofoam boxes. 

"She's out sick today. Somehow caught the flu." Ellen filled in for Dean, who jumped back. Ellen set the boxes in front of them, "I'll tell her 'bout Cas though. She'll be excited so be ready for her to knock down your door sometime soon." She tsked with a chuckle. He didn't know if it was towards Dean or at the image of Jo literally knocking his door down, possibly both, but they seemed equally funny.

"Thanks, Ellen." Dean grinned, rubbing his hands together with a lick of his lips and suddenly the burger was missing a big chunk while Dean looked like a chipmunk, he moaned. "It's delicious." He mumbled through a mouth full of food and leaned back into the chair.

Ellen looked disturbed by Dean's falling bun hanging while he still chewed with his eyes closed. She shook her head and Cas met her eye. "Really, it's good to have you back." She smiled down at him, he returned the smile as she stepped forward and rubbed his shoulder. He nodded feeling shy, mumbling a small thank you.

"Where's Ash?" Ellen looked up with a sudden realization, jumping up and looking around the bar then excusing herself to find him. She cursed and threatened his hair if she found him sleeping on the pool table again. Apparently it would be the fifth time in the last couple of days.

"Everyone seems to be really glad i'm back." Cas said suddenly. Again, if he had blood pumping in his veins he would be sure it would go to his cheeks right now, he ducked his head to appear smaller.

Dean stopped trying to get something from his teeth and looked at him like he was on crack. "Well Yeah." He set down the burger and grabbed a napkin. "You meant a lot to everyone. You were the positive of the family." 

"Oh." He sat up with his shoulders staying up for a second. "I didn't think anyone would really care as much."

Dean opened his mouth. He was giving Cas a mixture of confused and a glare. Cas cowered away from the look by playing with the fray of the baggy sweater he was sure was probably to hot for the state he lived in.

"You really think that?" Dean blinked curiously. He could see on Dean's face that he was blown away from the fact that he thought that.

Cas shrugged.

Yes, he did believe that. He didn't think that they would be affected because he was the quiet one in the corner. Of course he loved those people, who he was close with and knew for years but, he didn't call Ellen his aunt or knew Bobby like the Winchester's did. He didn't talk out much and he stayed in the corner while he ate his food.

He'd be lying if he said he did that every time because he didn't. There had been a few times that he partied with them. Had a few drinks underage and got sent birthday letter's but he didn't know the little secrets about Bobby like the Winchester's did. He didn't see Jo's father before he died, and he didn't know Ellen just by the small actions she made like Sam could. So yes, he didn't think they would call him family and mourn his death as much as they did.

"Cas, when you died, everyone was torn. We had a memorial for you, here. Every year." Dean turned his body and met eyes with Cas, he pointed to Bobby. "That old workaholic in the back? He missed work for a week straight. Ellen? She cried like you were her own. And Sam missed you so much we would watch old video's of you just to see you again. Hell, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I didn't leave my room or talk to anyone for weeks." Dean turned his body back. "I would stare into your room for hours just waiting for you to wave back." Color filled Dean's cheek like he was embarrassed by croak in his throat, but seemed to be said for his point.

 _Was all this true?_ Cas thought. Did they really mourn so deeply? He made the workaholic miss work for most likely the most he's missed in almost forever and the hardest woman he knew cry. Even Sam and Dean.

"They did? _You_ did?" He asked, his adams apple bobbed up and down making his voice come out thick and softer than he intended, he scanned Dean's face for something. His eyes were doing the same on him, he read sincerity around the small crinkles of his eyes and mouth closed that meant he was serious.

Dean nodded, "Don't think i'm trying to make you feel guilty or anything because believe me, that's not what i'm trying to do here." He swiped his hands across the shiny table with a small huff. "But don't you dare think that they didn't care. Or don't. 'Cause they do, man. I can't believe you'd think that."

Cas looked down at the table with his lips pressed against each other. "I am sorry." He mumbled, looking thoughtful. Dean shook his head then took a bite of his burger.

Cas slid the untouched box over to Dean. "You can have mine later." He only bit out of the burger with a nod, popping a french fry into his mouth with a small smirk he grabbed the box as the door opened.

It caught Cas' eye.

The light from outside seeped into the dark restaurant. In front of them the light flickered as the door was handed off to others. A group walked in as they all laughed loudly. Some were pushing each other and some were just laughing along while they strode towards the bar.

Dean didn't stop devouring the burger but Cas had eyed the group, not noticing the slight grimace on his face. When he was human, people like them - who walked in like they owned the place and immediately ruined the calm vibe of a certain place - really urked him. Probably everyone else too since they sighed and rolled their eyes into the food or drink in front of them. 

The first two of the group were already ordering when the other three came in and Cas' whole body tensed. His eyes grew with shock and he went to reach for the knife. Cas stared at the blonde girl striding in with a confident smile and the two boys were laughing along to whatever had been said before and pushed each other towards the laughing group. When they reunited, a man with the green jacket and red letter on his arm said something and then all five of them were laughing, even the girl who stopped smiling cockily.

Finally finishing the burger, Dean looked up and saw his arm on the back of his body and tensed figure. "What's up?" He whispered, leaning forward.

Cas only blinked at the group. "That's them." He whispered back with a nod towards them. The girl and the two men chugging glasses of beer with shouts that were urking Cas further. Dean wiped his lips with a napkin and followed his gaze to look behind him.

He guessed Dean knew them because it only took a second before he turned back around. He angrily threw the crumpled napkin down with a hiss. "Figures." He shook his head sarcastically. "I had a feeling it was them. Dammit."

"You know them?" Cas snapped his gaze from them and looked at Dean who was just as bothered by the sudden group laughing louder than when they walked in.

Dean nodded painfully looking like he wanted to say no. "That's Lilith, Gordon and Alastair. They were in the HVF."

"Obviously." Came Cas's snapped response but Dean ignored him.

"They were the ones who kept killing instead of bringing them in. They would religiously yell how wrong it was and tried to convert everyone to go to church and see how wrong it was." He curled his fingers in quotations with an eyeroll that said he thought it was ridiculous. "You could say they took things way too far."

"Yeah. I'd say." Cas chuckled darkly while he glared at their feet. Cas thought he'd be scared in the group's presence, want to hide, but he's surprised to see himself so angry and careless. Maybe it was the knife his fingers were currently curled around. It was halfway sticking out now, all he had to do was bring it into view. He didn't though, not yet. 

"Look," Dean sighed. Cas could tell he was trying to figure out something in his head, he shifted in his seat."I'm done eating so why don't we just get out of here. Do something fun, yeah?"

Cas pulled his lips together and shook his head stubbornly. "I can't believe people can be so - so heartless." He spat instead, ignoring him and Dean ran his hand through his own hair, with his arm still up he looked back again.

"I know," Cas found Dean's green ones and breathed in. He could see Dean getting worked up himself, but fighting it. "I know, man."

Cas slowly let go of the knife and let the hand rest on the table. Dean nodded with another lick of his lips, sliding from his side of the booth. Cas waited while Dean grabbed both boxes, hovering over the table. He suddenly felt the burning gaze on him, he didn't know who, so ignored the burning gaze stuck on him in a way he knew wasn't friendly. 

If it were them, he didn't want to know. He was already boiling, for them to even show up here? _Here_. And act like they did nothing wrong while they praised about God and how they were serving him the right way. The right way? Cas thought bitterly. Like there was a wrong way? Left way? Up way? No, he grumbled. They were just sadistic spawns of Satan to him.

It was harsh what he was thinking, he knew that. It wasn't really him either. He was always scolding everyone about their judgement but this morning he watched as they murdered an innocent along with others. They didn't deserve to be talked politely about in his mind; he wouldn't allow it. Plus it wasn't like anyone would be able to know what he was saying about them if he just thought it.

Cas looked up once the burning feeling was gone, seeing movement in the corner of his eye when Dean finally stood and looked at him.

The laughter died down and he watched the blonde gather Ellen's attention. With a scrunched face filled with disgust she jabbed a thumb backwards, pointing right at him. "Why did you allow that _thing_ to come in here? I can smell it all the way from here!" She turned to him with an evil look, her braid flying onto her shoulder. She said a few other things but Cas' boiling thoughts had blocked out the worst of the insults she'd thrown. He knew they were _very_ harsh though. 

Cas mocked her by squinting his eyes with a sneer on his face. _He showered yesterday, thank you very much._

That supposedly gathered Dean's attention.

He swung around so fast Cas thought he might have heard a crack in his neck. With the boxes in hand, he stepped forward, "What'd you say?" he walked slowly, menacingly and intimidating.

The blonde - supposedly Lilith, tried to giggle innocently and she also stood up. "Repeat that to my face." Dean growled when he was close enough. Cas could see his jaw clench back and forth, he stood his full height.

Dean's short temper was getting the best of him.

"Or what?" She teased. As if this were some game that she was playing. And apparently loving from the looks of her smile. "Why are you defending that _rotter_?" She rolled her head and looked at Dean with her head tilted down but her eyes still looked up, lowering her voice on the word rotter.

It was a ballsy response for someone in her spot, especially when the majority of her friends had left her side sometime ago and Dean Winchester was towering over her with two heads to fill the space.

"What are you gonna do, Winchester?" Someone yelled to Cas's right. He could sense the smile in his voice that was on the nasally voice, it also sounded like he had a lisp. Cas looked over to the man and then back at the two.

"Yeah," One laughed, it wasn't the lisp guy but a lower graveled voice. The man with the lisp pushed Dean back with ease, the other whispering something in his ear.

Dean huffed, looking back with a dark chuckle that even sent shivers down Cas' spine and he didn't even have a body awake to send shivers down. "You wanna see what i'm gonna do?" Dean sneered. His top lip curled up, a glare shooting daggers onto her face and he was still walking forward with small steps that moved his tense shoulders.

Cas stepped forward hesitantly.

He wanted this to happen and desperately. He felt they deserved the terrifying wrath of what Dean Winchester was capable of, but he knew this wasn't okay. He was a guy, very strong actually and she was a girl with as much body fat that was in one of Dean's arm in her whole body. It was unfair and she clearly had no chance against him. He wasn't about to let Dean beat up a girl like some punching bag.

Lilith caught the movement and her eyes roamed over his weary face. She moved forward with her eyes locked with his and Cas tilted his head. Why was she coming over to him? He thought she said he stunk?

"Castiel Novak." Lilith's voice was sonorous and loud as she strode over to him. How does she know his name?

Cas flinched almost instantly getting a ringing in his ear, looking down at the horrible flash of the bright lights. They stayed on all hours of the day, the chilling air conditioner too. She laughed bitterly and walked with her head down and eyes up. He figured it must be a habit of hers. Strange. 

"How are you, Castiel?" She put a hand on his shoulder with a rough squeeze.

Everyone quieted in the bar and all eyes landed on the situation. It was hard not to notice the Partially Deceased experiencing pain. It had to be a first.

 _No_ , Cas thought, _no. Not here, not right now_.

He had the PTSD when he was human, with flashbacks or the sinking feeling in his chest when something would remind him, but then he came back.

Everything was worse. He felt his brain hurt, he could see everything spinning and the glances of feet walking, blood on the pillow where his brother slept. His ears rung with the doctor's voice telling him the few chances of him living. The nurses squeaking shoes and loud painful screams. It was loud, overbearing and painful.

He started slipping into the memory. 

_**"Castiel," A tired, wobbly voice said. It was interrupted by an aching cough and it hurt him to even listen to. He couldn't imagine that on a weak, dying body. "Bro." He smiled. Cas tried to smile back too, to smile through the tears he was choking back, but he couldn't stop the single sob that escaped when he saw the severely skinny boy on the bed. Patches of hair missing and sickly pale skin that showed every bone, his baby brother smiled at him with blood through his teeth. Today was a bad day, and not just for his brother. A lot of painful things had happened in the last few hours, but he refused to share that with the hazel eyed boy next to him.**_

Cas looked back up with a flare of his nostrils. She only smirked, knowing what she was doing. "I read about you Castiel. _All_ about your time in the center." Her laugh was sadistic and evil, the men around them laughed along too. 

"Don't call me that." He hissed vehemently. He had to steer her away from the conversation. Cas needed to stop the plan she had going on, because he was sure she knew what could happen. 

He'd go into the memory as if it was the real thing. Instead of the smell of alcohol and food, he'd smell the death that his brother carried. He wouldn't be able to hear the angry huffs from Dean in back or Lilith's laugh, he'd hear the same news again. He'd hear the beeping machines and it would all turn worse and worse. He'd get too deep into it, and it would hurt and pull on every cell he had and who knows how long he'd be in that torture for. 

He needed to stop her, and _fast_. 

**_"Gabriel," Castiel smiled sadly, smoothing over his brother's hair, or at least the small bits he still had. His breathing mask inhaling deeply and then out tiredly. It hurt him for the smallest of air he needed to suck in. The room was quiet except for the multiple machines beeping. All of them were annoyingly consistent, all except for the ones they needed to be annoying, his heart rate. The only machine that went slow; too slow. "Mom is in the room a few floors down." He lied, tiredly. It was beginning to be hard for him to even keep his eyes open for long. Gabriel didn't look around, just looked up at him. "Where's daddy?"_ **

He came back with a pained expression. "Stop this." Cas mumbled, pleading. Desperately. He couldn't do this right now, not in front of everyone. He could hurt someone, or get stuck in a long loop. It was very dangerous. 

"How did he die, Castiel?" She took a step back as Cas started to thrash. Grabbing his head with his nails digging into the flesh he couldn't feel, he let out a loud whimper. He began to see the light moving in and out, blinding his vision and the coding beep screaming into his ear as if he was right next to it. At the time in his life, he was. 

"What are you doing to him?" He heard Dean shout finally. He saw the small movement to come and help but the men in the back grabbed his shoulders in warning. They had him held down tightly. The two boxes fell to the ground while he tried to wiggle free with angry grunts, finally stopping to look up.

"Cas?" Dean shouted, but he couldn't hear him anymore. "What's happening?" He heard one last time, before it all faded away in and out, all he heard was the worry and sadness in Dean's voice. What Cas would give to fight through this, but it was all too powerful and beyond him to do so. 

_**It was all so vivid and real. He could feel again, physically and emotionally. And he could feel the nervous tick and heavy beating heart when he realized he would be gone soon, the gulping and need to breathe. Castiel could feel the burning in his sinuses and the raw feeling in his throat when he sobbed. He didn't want this. He needed his brother right now. He was the only one he had left.**_

_He was human again in his flashbacks._

_**Castiel frowned deeply. He felt his heart drop and he swallowed the tears that were blurring his vision, he smiled sweetly. "Dad's um, going to get some coffee. You know, cause he was up all night in the waiting room." He whispered so he wouldn't have to see the boy flinch away from his voice. He made it small and quiet enough, Gabriel nodded with a tired smile finding its way onto his face. Castiel felt a small tear roll down and tickle his chin, he looked away from the young boy. He didn't have the heart to tell him Dad was gone. Has been gone for years, mom too, they had abandoned the young boys when everything happened. He just couldn't do it for the hundredth time he had lost his memory.** _

"Answer me, Castiel!" She shouted, it brought him back for a minute, flinching at the name like it was something horrible, disgusting. Because it was. He didn't deserve that name, it wasn't him. He lost Castiel years ago.

Cas heard something and Dean was shouting. There was movement, lots of it but Cas couldn't let go now. He dropped to his knees and held his spinning head, shouting was all he could hear. It was loud, so loud it almost hurt him and his body was shaking violently, and his eyes started rolling. 

"No," He croaked, face in the floor, he shook his head again. "No!" He shouted with a punch to the floor. Why was she doing this? Why wouldn't she stop? Why couldn't Cas fight this? 

"Castiel!" He heard again. She was yelling now, or screeching really because he couldn't even hear her voice anymore it was more of a high pitched yelp.

**_Castiel watched as his brother closed his eyes, fluttering closed as he fought desperately to open them again. He breathed in and Castiel's mouth dropped. Something was different; something was happening. "Thi-this is it, big bro." Gabriel breathed, it was raspy and held a scared undertone. Castiel's fear all becoming real and put into words. "I can feel it. If I go to sleep i'm not coming back." He coughed, dazed in and out. i'm dizzy, I can't...breathe anymore. It hurts._**

_**Castiel jumped up ready for another episode. "We need mom." He rushed out, "Hold on, Gabe." He felt his heart beating against his rib cage as new tears sprung in his eyes; this time falling down his cheeks in fat tears. He didn't know where mom really was. He didn't know what to do. Who to call, because he didn't know where his parents were. For all he knew they could be in Egypt on vacation.**_

_**"No," Gabriel wheezed. "I can't wait. Sit. I don't want to be alone." He nodded his head and Castiel sucked in a shaky breath. It went in and out with a whimper, he latched onto his hair with anxiety until he heard his brother soothe him. No, Castiel shook, it should be him soothing him. "Okay." He whispered out, looking back at the fragile boy.** _

_**Holy mother of god. He realized. This was it, this was the last time he would see his little brother alive. He felt the emotions run over his body like a big heavy truck, shaking as warm salty tears ran down his cheeks. He grabbed his brothers hand, cold and fragile. He felt if he held it any tighter it would break into a million pieces. "Hey," Gabriel whispered, "Stop fretting, bro." He smiled teasingly.** _

_**In the moment Cas wanted to scoff and tell his brother off, that he shouldn't be making his jokes on his deathbed. But then he remembered this was who he was; a big trickster who thrived on laughter. Instead he found himself scanning his brother's face with the last piece of sad adoration he could muster up in his panicking state, watching the very last smile he would never see again**_.

_**"Gabriel, you deserved so much better." He shook his head with yet another sob racking his body. He couldn't even get his words out right now, "You didn't deserve any of this." He sniffled, sadly. Gabriel finally opened those hazel eyes, and it was only then that he realized he was scared, tired and wanting to go, but scared and he was making it worse on him.** _

_**He stopped his little speech and remembered their pact. He nodded his head and breathed, letting the oxygen out, he smiled so Gabe would get the hint.** _

**_"_** **_Knock knock?" Gabriel said._ **

_**"Who's t-there?" He replied, and Castiel rubbed his hand soothingly.** _

_**"Otto."** _

_**"Otto, who?" Castiel readied himself, trying to control his breathing and the tears. He didn't want him to go. He wanted him to fight and hard, but he saw how exhausted he was. He was trying not to think about how in just a few minutes, his whole life would be gone. He didn't know where he'd go, he didn't know who he would be. Cas could feel a small part of him dying with his brother, whom he gave all of his time too taking care of him.**_

**_"Otto know. I've got amnesia." Gabriel chuckled and so did Castiel. It was the first joke he told when he had gotten amnesia during his sickness and he told the joke every time he awoke from it. He always told everyone he made it up himself but Castiel already knew he stole it from the internet even if he did deny it._ **

_**He knew in the pact Gabe had said no chick flick moments, but at the last minute Castiel didn't care. He needed his brother to know how much he loved his brother and how proud he was.** _

**_"I know you said no sappy moments but-"_ **

**_"I knew it." He laughed, or tried, it came out as more of a wheezy huff. He couldn't even smile properly._ **

**_Castiel licked the salty tears from his lips and ignored him, "I'm proud of you Gabriel." He murmured, "They said you only had six months and you fought, just to prove them wrong; to keep them baffled. And here you are, you've lived a year and almost a half." He stopped fighting it now, letting his emotions get to him with tears. "You'll always be my annoying little brother, okay?" He felt the littlest of peace when he had said that, but not a lot helped him in the situation. Nothing could._**

**_Gabriel nodded weakly, he could see the pain from the smallest of the movement, but he nodded. He didn't need an 'I know' or an 'I love you' because he already knew. His brother told him a thousand times, every time he woke up just to let him know. It was his turn to tell him now. "Now, You're gonna close your eyes and you're going to go to sleep." His voice cracked at the very words and he closed his eyes for a second._ **

**_"I'll sing your favorite and hopefully you'll get stuck with it in your head when you go to heaven." They both laughed and he reopened his eyes._ **

**_"I have to tell you something," Gabriel coughed, he tried to reach up and grab his shirt but he stopped midway, "Castiel." He said again, it was sweet and full of adoration in his raspy yet squeeky kid voice. He was trying to say something but he couldn't quite get it out._ **

_**"Yes?" He asked, high pitched and panicked he sat up.** _

**Cas felt the small hand let go of his and lightly lingering limp around his hand still holding his. He let out a single huff of breath, it was very small and quiet.**

**The heartbeat machine finally slowed to zero's with a long, loud flat line. He didn't even call a nurse at first. He just sat there, filled with tears and rubbed the small hand before he closed the now dead ones.**

**Cas hoped he was finally at peace.**

When Cas came back, and he was surprised he even did, he was on the ground and he heard the shuffling of feet and the shouting was still going on, Lilith screaming mixed with heavy breathing or choking even.

He looked up, still shaking and crying, head filling with thoughts and memories. Cas was still going in and out in a daze like he was on some type of medication - strong medication that was taking over. He lifted his head up, immediately seeing spinning vision, but he still saw Ellen desperately trying to get Dean off of Lilith, who had his arms around her small neck and she was off of the ground.

He was threatening something into her ear while all the men either sat back or tried prying him off, still everyone was yelling and shouting.

Loopy, he got up from the ground with hair in his eyes and he suddenly felt the need to sleep, slowly crawled his crippling body over to them.

This wasn't right. This wasn't Dean.

"Dean!" He shouted, it came out shakily, terrified even. "Dean." He grabbed onto the flexing arm. It was a strong grip and she was gasping for air while her face turned a mixture of red and purple. "Stop." He yanked on the arm, feeling weak; which he shouldn't, because he didn't feel.

He was breathing in and out and they were all spinning but he panted again, weak with his hands around Dean's arms. "Don't do this." He whispered, and Dean stopped yelling at her. Looking over at him, torn apart with anger and sadness. She had obviously said something to get to Dean for him to be choking her right now, because Dean didn't harm someone this bad for a few insults.

Dean let go of her and she fell to the ground with a loud thud. Instantly she started gasping for air, coughing into the floor with tears in her eyes. The guys that were too drunk and swaying went to her side but she snapped at them to get off her and they started to make their way out.

"Leave Cas alone or next time I won't let go." Dean bellowed, low and menacing with a glare to match.

With one last look, and Lilith gasping for air, they all ran out of there.

"Boy, what in the hell were you thinking?" Ellen smacked Dean. She was furious with him, with a motherly tone and rising chest, but Cas saw Dean clearly didn't care. He wasn't mentally here, he was deep in somewhere else similar to Cas. Ellen scoffed and went to clear the bar and hope to get them not to call the police on him.

It fell silent between the two oppressed boys. With each staring dazed into nowhere until Cas stepped forward and reached to Dean, who snatched his body before he could properly hug him. Dean led his body closer to his and he felt his eyelids flutter close on his neck and his sniffed in the smell of his hair.

Cas wrapped his hands around him too, in desperate need of the intimate moment since he was still shaking violently, and loopy with his thoughts shouting at him. Reading his mind, Dean's knees bent and then he was pulling Cas to the ground with him till Cas was practically straddling him but neither seemed to care. They were staring into nothing with hurt expressions and they were both tired. Lilith must've done something bad for Dean to be like this in a public space with a guy and people watching. 

They both wrapped their bodies around each other, both shaking and silently whimpering. Cas brought his hand to sooth Dean's hair and he shut his eyes as they both waited to snap back into reality.

They didn't talk about it. Not in the moment, and not afterwards.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't want to do this to Gabe


	7. Making things better - 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean plans a fun night to cheer Cas up, and a lot of things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such an overwriter and i tried to lower this down as much as i could without missing what i really wanted to put in, and it didn't go well lol so i hope nobody minds how long this story's chapters are ://

         A month and a few days have passed now since the incident with Lilith.

The three of them fell into a routine again, like before. Sam went to school while Dean worked at Bobby's shop a few times during the week, while Cas, well he wasn't doing much lately, but when his aunt left for her shift and the brother's arrived home in the afternoon, they immediately met up around noon.

Sometimes earlier when one of them weren't doing anything, which gave Cas the time to catch up with Sam while Dean worked and Dean when Sam went to school or stayed home studying.

Sam had given Cas a whole new set of books and showed him a few new films. He even started to slowly tutor Cas into stuff he was learning in other classes besides law. They ended up having a talk about Cas joining college too. And Sam had made better friends with the girl he was crushing on, Jess. 

Cas and Dean keep trying to get Sam to ask her out or say a single flirty remark but he keeps on ignoring them.

Dean on the other hand, was going to college for a long time, before. He had finally began to live normally, and started studying some art but then switched to engineering. He did great the time he was there, but then they had started falling financially so he dropped out and hustled a few jobs until he landed at Bobby's with more hours than the other employees. He didn't know much but Dean said it got them by and that he liked it since he was good at it. Besides, it was what he was studying to be anyways. 

Dean also showed Cas a bunch of new places around town, (he gave props to him because he had to admit they were beautiful places) he had lent him some clothes since he was 'out of style' and taught Cas the new pop references. Even told him that he didn't mind some of the new rock music these days, which of course shocked Cas.

During the few weeks of adjusting to the city again and not just his home, there was a lot of problems, arguments and confessions that had been dealt with before him and Dean were finally in the place they were in now. 

Cas also thinks he's got something powerful for Dean if he could _still_ have a crush on the boy, even when he doesn't feel things. 

Overall, everything was... steady, again. His mom had been really happy these days. She talked about a crush on the new doctor, and they bonded over mornings before she had to go. He would sometimes help her on what to say or how to approach the _idea_ of a date, after her questioning if he would be okay with that. He told her he would, she'd smile and tell him he loves her before she had to leave for work, and Cas would sit back in the empty house once again.

He tried getting a job, but he couldn't find the reasons to. They didn't need the money, Cas didn't like a lot of the people in town and nobody was hiring anyways. So he gave up the hunt for a job. 

Cas would admit, he liked it all. It was going really well, and he should be happy, really happy that they could get to this point.

But, he wasn't, most of the time. No matter how hard he tried, it just wasn't right. 

He couldn't seem to get out of the dejected mood ever since the roadhouse incident. Dean offered to talk, and supporting that he was there, which was a huge surprise to Cas, for the aloof boy that avoided feelings at any cost to be the one who brought it up and actually go through with it without any complaints, but instead patience and the concern to be genuine. 

It sent a wave of some twisted hope or opportunity for Cas, because then maybe they could talk about what happened. About the moment they had. So, one day almost two weeks after the incident he sat Dean down, told him they needed to talk.   

He then learned that he couldn't. Physically, without going into the flashback like the very day, and emotionally because it was all just too hard. Cas explained to Dean very briefly about what he went through. But they didn't talk about it, and Dean still didn't know the truth of what actually happened. 

Sure, Dean had known about his brother's death and had supported him through it all but he didn't know how alone Cas had always felt for being the only one there that day. He was the only person to say goodbye and it was his name that was the last to come from him. He kept the secret that held behind the _only_ day Dean couldn't make it to the hospital. 

Dean started to notice around the third week when Cas didn't want to come over. All he had to do was get up and walk over. He didn't even need shoes, his mousse was already on and the boys wouldn't even care that he would just sit on their couch and possibly fall asleep, but he just couldn't. After he finally and regretfully, snapped at Dean, the boy stopped asking Cas to talk about it and started to think the opposite.

He then told everyone to come over on a certain day - that was today a day - and they'd be doing some fun stuff. 

In the time he's been sulking in his room, Cas had been starting to notice things. Strange things that shouldn't be happening on his body.

Like his hands have been trembling terribly, and he tried to eat toast the other day? He ended up covering it up with giving it to his aunt with the excuse that he couldn't eat his favorite food so she should for him. He started making her toast every morning in the habit his awful brain has created. It usually took him to get the honey on the peanut butter by the time he remembered the empty stomach that didn't need to be filled. 

He's been sleeping a lot more lately too. 

Obviously he still needed sleep, but it would usually be the standard six hours from about midnight to 6 am, but yesterday he fell asleep at midnight and hadn't woken up till two in the afternoon, and that was being woken up by his aunt. Even then he still felt tired. 

He wasn't going to lie, he thought it was weird and even wondered if he should go for a checkup at the center, but the mere mention stopped him instantly because what if he was turning rabid? Or something else? They wouldn't just let it slide and let him go. They'd probably trap him in there and do experiments or worse, kill him before anything else.

So he had no choice but to ignore it and hope for the best, or whatever could come for this.

Cas jumped when he heard the window tap from a rock which meant Dean was finally done with his planning and he'd be able to see what got him so excited lately.

Getting up from the messy bed with bare feet and body? Body meaning he needed to do his medication before he left. Cas slipped on a pair of white socks with his dirty converse and hadn't bothered answering Dean since he would see him as soon as he went downstairs.

Cas just barely made it into the bathroom when the door opened. "Hey!" Dean said, closing the door with a firm slam. 

Cas looked up from attaching his medicine with a frown when he heard paddling up the stairs. He was just going to be a minute and he'd be down and then Dean wouldn't even have to see the medication and maybe he would be able to do it really quickly before he - nope, he's already standing in front of Cas with a smile.

"You were supposed to wait outside."

"You were taking forever." He rubbed his stomach with a slight pant. His eyes were bright in the sunlight that fell onto his face. He squinted after a few seconds and moved his head away from the sun on his eyes.  Cas sighed and pulled the bottle onto the latch with a clink, stepping more into the bathroom in the process.

"What are you doing?" Dean sniffed, rubbing his nose with a quick swipe and then poking his head into the small room with orange lighting.

"I just have to do my medication and then we can go." He replied quickly. Maybe a little too quickly and snappy, but it was only because he was feeling embarrassed and slightly insecure. Lower than Dean, because he wasn't normal. He didn't have black ink and dead organs unlike him, so he had to ' _activate the illusion_ ' of being human.

Cas wasn't afraid to admit he doesn't like it. It made him feel fake or unreal and sometimes scared. He didn't know how the others dealt with it. If they forgot or started changing from the medication then they were monsters within the day. And the doctors said it was the same feeling as being human? No. It wasn't the same at all.

No hunger, no need for showers (although he still did just because) no need to use the bathroom and you couldn't feel a single thing physically. He could literally get stabbed in the stomach and he wouldn't feel it. That doesn't seem _'human'_ to him.

Dean stayed quiet for a few minutes. Like he was asking himself something. Perhaps he didn't know about the medication he had to take because when Cas tugged his sweater down and the black hole appeared from beneath, his mouth opened. He took a step closer and examined what Cas was doing up close.

Cas stopped after a minute or two and tugged the sweater back up. He knew Dean was just curious because he didn't know. Dean has never seen this so it was all new to him, but it didn't mean he could sit and stare like he was a zoo animal.

"Dean." Cas stopped with a frustrated growl. He set the bottle down on the sink and turned to Dean with a small warning look so he would back off. Cas tried not to be too aggressive because he knew Dean wasn't trying to do anything Cas felt like, but he couldn't help but self consciously take a step further into the bathroom.

Hoping he'd apologize and leave the room he turned towards the mirror. Not necessarily looking into it, he didn't want to. Or couldn't, without glaring back or almost throwing up black goo but he faced the general direction. And Dean, who looked calm changed to determined, picking up the tool with one hand and with the other he put a supporting hand on his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Cas looked at Dean through the mirror. He ignored his own appearance and instead focused on his moving friend. He followed his figure maneuver behind him with a soft push so he'd fit and looked at Cas through the mirror.

"Let me help." Was all he said.

Cas looked at him like he grew two heads, even after he had looked away to move the sweater out of the way with his warm hands and body heat. He didn't resist physically, or at all, even when he felt weird about it. He couldn't say he didn't want the help or that it would be easier but it was definitely weird for him.

Cas relaxed and set his hands on the counter. He was hovering slightly so he was ready. "So, do I just stick this in the hole and press the button?"

"Yeah." He breathed.

Dean murmured a small 'okay.'

Cas didn't care for the help. It was nice, and he knew Dean was just trying to prove to Cas that he was okay with it, like all the other things he did, but he was more worried about the effect it caused on his body at the 'instant blow' I guess he could say.

The device matched up and his eyes shut closed on demand. Dean pressed the button with a loud hiss and retracted the device while Dean pulled it from the hole in his neck with a disgusting sound he knew all too well. Sometimes if the device was deep enough it pulled some of the goo with it, and just his luck, Dean pulled it out with a string of black goo.

As feared, Cas thrashed out as soon as he felt the liquid in his body.

Before he could say anything he was yelping in the process and jerked forward at the sink instead of backwards at Dean. He felt the support of a hand on his arm but he didn't really do much at the moment. Cas gripped the counter with a firm grip, hissing from the contact. He didn't know why but it had hit him harder than it ever has, but it was.

He waited a minute, then two, and three whole minutes of silent heavy breathing and a worried Dean passed before he regained himself.

"Okay," He inhaled, letting go. The dark room was flashing his vision and he could hear the faint noises of a heartbeat pounding in fear, but it was just enough for him to move. He was still here. "Let's go." He exhaled sharply. Ignoring Dean's worried eyes whilst stiffly making it out of the bathroom. The light flickered off and Dean met him by the stairs, just staring at him and observing.

"Does that happen every time?" Dean inquired. 

Cas hurried down the stairs before Dean could get worriedly touchy. With him it was ' _you hurt your arm? Oh let me touch your arm as if it'll go away and if not i'll keep touching it_ ,' trust Cas, it wasn't always the best when Dean got concerned. He became strict and motherly, it was _weird_.

Without looking back and furthermore staring at the door with worried eyes and rambling thoughts, ignoring his questions with a cold shoulder. He just wanted to leave.

Dean followed down the stairs. "Yeah, but come on." He turned with a smile. Quite possibly the fakest smile he could ever give anyone, bobbing his head putting up a hand to call him over. "Let's go. I've been waiting forever to see this thing you've got planned."

"But-"

Cas knew he was going to fret so he shook his head sternly and looked Dean in the eyes. "You planned this to make me feel better right? For all of us to feel better?" He asked. He sounded grumpy but he didn't care.

Dean nodded mutely.

"Well then what are you waiting for?" He shrugged his arms out with a tilt of his head. Cas set all of the thoughts aside and decided to enjoy today worry free because quite possibly it could be his last for a while, maybe at all.

Finally Dean gave in and smiled at Cas. His boots hitting the floor heavily and his flannel flying behind him as he strode over to the door to a waiting Cas. He locked the door while Dean avoided the setting sun with the back of his hand.

With the door locked and they were ready to go, Dean pulled his arm around Cas's shoulder, who melted into his arm as they swayed. He willed everything in him not to look at Dean again, who smelled like leather and old spice with clothing that felt soft against his cold, rough flesh.

Cas couldn't believe he was thinking this, but he missed being able to feel his beating heart and tingly stomach in excited nervousness. Because that's exactly what his body would be doing this close to Dean, but his body not reacting made it felt like it was just an arm around him. His body was dull and empty. Which was not what he wanted right now.

_God, he wished being human._

Cas hoped he wasn't the only one who noticed it because as far as he knew they haven't exactly acknowledged it yet, but ever since the roadhouse fight Dean had became more.. closer he'd say? More touchy? Definitely more touchy with the personal space. He couldn't help but perceive that Dean suddenly wants to be very close to Cas though. Whether it was sitting closely on the couch or standing a little too close that he could see all the smaller freckles closer, and for another example holding Cas while they walked the few steps until they made it into the Winchester household.

Not that he minded because really, he was baking in it, but did something change? Was Dean suddenly okay with his 'personal bubble' being invaded?

"Sammy! Come on, it's starting!" Dean yelled into the empty house. He kept his arm around Cas as he guided him towards the stairs. "Sam!" He called again. Cas wasn't trying to look but when Dean's face was this close to his while he scrunched his face as if it would make him any louder and then calming his features while he waited with his eyes roaming the staircase, he couldn't help but think it was cute.

"Yeah!" Sam called back. They heard his door shutting and then Sam paddling down the stairs. "I'm here."

"Great." Dean let go of Cas. He grinned at the two excitedly bobbing his head to the side with a smirk, standing in front of the tv.

"To start us off, it's tradition to watch-"

"Harry Potter." Cas and Sam finished, looking at each other knowingly.

Dean had been right though. Even if they didn't enjoy the movies as much as Dean loved them, they still enjoyed watching, so of course they had always watched them no matter how many times they've seen it. 

"You guys know me all too well." Dean wiggled his eyebrows. He popped in the movie while the other two settled on the couch comfortably. "Every minute counts as fun. We'll watch this while we wait." He announced proudly.

"You've really got this all planned, huh?" Sam teased with a hint of seriousness. Cas waited for the answer too because he wanted to know the serious answer from him. Had Dean planned all this to really make Cas feel better?

"Yep." Dean popped the P.

"Wow." Sam raised his eyebrows. Dean plopped on the couch, unsuccessfully because it was small and they were already sitting so he shifted off their knees with a grunt. Popping his head from the couch disheveled hair and eyebrow quirked, he sat down with his legs half on Sam while his upper body was mostly on Cas instead of the couch. Dean smiled up at him before using his thighs as a pillow. 

 _Here?_ Cas asked himself internally. _Around Sam?_

Looking away from Dean starting to get into serious movie watching mode, Sam shifted and stopped midway, stopping to send Cas a questioning look.

 _He didn't know either, Sam. He really didn't._ Cas adverted his eyes quickly bowing his head but then he was face to face with Dean so he snapped his head to look at the tv, clearing his throat and rubbing his neck.

 

++++

 

"Whoo!" Sam fist pumped. The four of them stopped running from the man with the broom long ways ago and the group following after, the brothers panted with one hand on their rising chests and holding their drink in the other. 

Cas looked behind them at an empty road with a snigger. Charlie was on Sam's back currently telling him to go with both them laughing. She wasn't drunk, but she could definitely act the part pretty well. Ruby and Meg were ahead of them since they were the first to get caught, while the rest of the party had gone home.

The street lights flickered over their shiny foreheads slick with sweat and smiles. The group somehow moved onto the street with them equally spaced out, Cas in the middle.

Somehow, the group ended up in the city with Ruby's idea to to buy alcohol. Which could've been easy, but those old enough, weren't planning to go out so they didn't bring anything, and those underage, carried a fake ID. Charlie flirted with the cashier enough to distract her, but then lost control of her hand and the paper bent. Before they could pay, they were running. So basically they just stole lots of alcohol underage and are now laughing about it. Drunk, except for the sober zombies.

Cas eyed the happy drunk group wavering in front of him, Sam trying to reach the street light even though he wasn't nearly close enough while Charlie still told him he could do it. Dean, who wasn't as drunk as Sam since he had a stronger hold but was still laughing at nothing with his head bowed. Ruby and Meg waved goodbye and smirked at the free adventure and left. 

"I-" Sam stopped, doubling over in a belly aching laughter, and Dean took a swig of his beer while Cas stood by as the sober friend. A terrible quality about being some sort of zombie was not being able to get drunk, or hang out with your friends with food and warm up with coffee as the fun part. "I dare you," He pointed to Cas with another laughter he doubled over and held his stomach. He gasped for air and stood up with Charlie shifting so she could stay on his back. She whispered in his ear and then Sam said, "to dye your hair."

"My hair?" Cas asked with a teasing smile, Dean had laughed at the drunken dare too but Sam thought it was the best idea in the world. He nodded excitedly, "Blue!" He giggled, an actual giggle from Sam Winchester.

"I don't know how to dye hair." 

"I do!" Charlie piped in with wide excited eyes and pointing her finger in the air.

"Come on!" Sam pestered with a sway. Cas moved towards the general direction he was pointing to with his beer so he could avoid Sam pushing him since the last time he did he ended up spilling his drink all over him and it looked like he had an 'accident,' except in the back.

"Where are we going?" Dean asked, he cleared his throat. Cas eyed Dean wearily as Sam and Charlie passed them and turned around. He smiled wider than before and Cas thought he resembled the joker if he tried to smile even wilder, "To get the supplies for your hair. Duh!" Charlie giggled.

Dean found Cas' eyes and shrugged, lifting the bottle to his puckered lips. "A dares a dare." He mumbled against the bottle.

Sam turned around with a gasp, wide eyes looking in his direction but not at him or even his body, "I'm gonna give you a makeover!" Cas continued walking past Sam, who stopped to look for the older boys reactions which he was disappointing with by the lack of one he got.

"Don't worry." Sam ran behind Cas, pulling him in and scrubbing at his hair with a sloppy hand. "I'll take care of you little guy." He looked down with a smile while Cas looked up confused, looking between him and Charlie both staring down at him. Sam let go to recycle the bottle he chugged. Apparently even drunk he still cared about earth.

Once he closed the bin he was already making engine noises and acting like a plane with his arms spread out, head upwards and running with a sway. Charlie hung onto his arms with loud whooping noises.

"The party isn't going as planned anymore." Cas slowed down and turned his neck. Dean looked over his bottle, his lips wet with the last of his drink and a suctioning noise as he pulled from the brown bottle.

Dean shrugged. "Honestly I didn't plan after this." He sighed, his shoulders went up as he stuffed his hands into his pocket, bottle thrown somewhere. "We watched some movies, played some games. Hell, we robbed a store." He whisper yelled, looking around so nobody was around.

Cas nodded, turning forward. "Thank you, Dean." His head found it's way looking at a tree on his right so he wouldn't look at Dean. "I feel much better. You both never fail to bring me joy."

Dean shuffled, a minute later a few rock skidded under his boot. "No problem, man." Dean replied. It was soft, quiet compared to the mild wind picking up around them.

Dean cleared his throat with his eyes somewhere ahead of them, Cas followed his gaze to see Charlie looking back at them with squinted eyes. Dean looked away quickly, "We'll have to revisit that arcade again." he pointed as they passed the chained store that was usually all lit up, dark and empty with blank screens. "That place too." He said, nodding his head at the store next to it. It was a pizza place and really they had only went there once, and Dean complained about it the whole time.

Cas studied Dean's face for a moment. His eyes were starting to droop in a tired way, not hyper and super active like Sam or Charlie but calm, relaxed and if he really looked, maybe sad even. He moved his eyes to the different places he recognized a lot, and most of them he would hate to say but he felt anything but joy when he saw those.

The last time he was here it was usually tired, scared and bloody with cruel things happening around them. Mean people in the middle of a war with undead creatures. It suddenly hit Cas about all the places he was trying to make out to be such fun places, just like the whole night.

"You're doing the thing where you try to relive the past." Cas adjusted his clothes when he saw Dean nodding his head, slowly. Dean tried taking him places they used to go and Cas had to tell Dean to stop when they kept going places he had the most unpleasant memory and almost slipped into a flashback. 

"You're right. I need to stop doing that." He mumbled, "That pizza place sucks." 

Cas nodded his head. Hair fell onto his face and in his vision, and they both fell into sync walking with Dean's breathing keeping from the silence.

Dean huffed a laugh and brought his hand to rub over his face with a small shake. Sam and Charlie coming into view with bags in his arm and looking up from the ring of the store.

"What'd you get?" Dean took the bags from his smiling brother towering over the two of them.

"I got the dye," He matter of factly hummed with his finger pointing to nothing. "and bleach."

"Bleach?"

"Yep!" Charlie chimed, hair waving as she nodded excitedly. "The color won't show on hair as dark as yours." 

"How did you afford all of this?" Dean rummaged through the bags. "And why'd you buy nail polish?"

"For the makeover." Charlie looked at Dean over her shoulder.

Dean slowly looked from the bags and at the store. Cas followed, seeing the closed sign and lights dimmed, not completely but also not enough to drunken realize it wasn't open.

"It's not even open." Cas parted his lips, seeing a car coming in.

"Two stores in one night," Dean shook his head, closing the bags into his hands. "we're becoming some serious criminals." He hissed, grabbing Cas' arm with a sprint. When they reached Sam, Cas latched onto him and continued running.

Both Charlie and Sam let out a shriek and tried to stop but then Cas yanked him and he ran with a laugh as he reached for Dean running in front of them. Cas swore Sam turned into a baby when he got drunk. 

Eventually Charlie got down and ran separately until they arrived back at home. Sam was slightly sobering up. Still a child that wanted so desperately to give Cas a makeover but less giggly and less slurring.

As soon as Cas shut the door, Sam dragged them into the nearest bathroom and snatched the bag from Dean's hand, who was chugging water stopped with a choke and glared but followed after him dragging Cas from the collar of his shirt.

Sam pushed his shoulders down so he would sit on the toilet seat and Cas looked up. He had to turn his neck a lot because he was pretty tall, but he watched him pull out containers with other strange bottles then finally the bottle of the blue. It almost matched his contacts it was so bright.

Sam mixed together a purple powder with white liquid and started stirring as Charlie instructed strictly. Dean walked in with his coat taken off until he was left with only a grey shirt and jeans. "Jesus." He scrunched his face up, turning away. "Stuff stinks." He mumbled, lip curled while he eyed Sam who was unfazed and stirring the mixture.

Charlie gave him the queue, and Sam smiled wildly, grabbing a chunk of the mixtures in his hand and slopped some on Cas's head in one go. Cas jumped at the hands rubbing into his hair with some of it dripping, pulling back with wide eyes as both Charlie and Dean sat up cautiously.

"Sam!" Charlie shrieked.

"Sam!" Cas gasped himself, looking at the boy with white lumpy goo dripping from his hands with a pout.

"You have to be careful. It's strong chemicals." Charlie scolded. Sam mumbled a small apology without looking actually sorry and Dean lifted himself from the door frame and turned around.

Cas was about to ask him where he was going but Sam was already trying to spread the stuff into his hair again. Deciding he didn't wanna lose his eyesight, Cas shut his eyes when he got close to his forehead. 

A few torturous moments later and Charlie watching intensely at everything Sam did, they heard feet walking closer.  Dean chuckled, shifting something in his hands, a box. He gently pushed Sam to the side and turned the faucet on, leading his hands towards the water Sam yelled and Charlie tripped out of the room.

Dean put his hands on his shoulders and moved his head around till Sam looked at him. "I'll give him the makeover but properly so you don't burn his skin off or he's bald." He huffed looking over his shoulder to see Cas's wide eyes, he threw a box of gloves at Cas. "You can watch, alright?"

"But-"

"You're way too drunk to be in charge of someone's hair dude."

"I was watching him." Charlie pouted from the door frame. She switched her gaze from Dean to look over at Cas with a certain look he couldn't describe.

"Fine." Sam pouted after several minutes of him begging to dye his hair and Dean promising he'll actually do it, since he caught him admitting he wasn't really going to do it. Sam threatened him and dropped his shoulders.

Dean nodded patting his shoulder. "Wash that stuff off and then take some aspirin with water. You'll thank me in the morning." He mumbled the last part when his back was facing towards him. Sam followed the orders and soon was walking out of there with a new mission and giggle of course.

Charlie stayed and watched for a few minutes giving Dean instructions as he rubbed it through but then they heard something breaking so she told him to read the bottle and ran to the kitchen with Sam groaning.

Dean shook his head chuckling as he put on some purple gloves and Cas smiled. "Well, dude it's basically already in there but he missed a few spots." He said. Cas could feel him rubbing the stuff into the side of his hair and Cas's arms twitched to scratch.  _Was it supposed to be this itchy?_ Cas thought, opening his mouth with a gasp.

"Is it suppose to itch like crazy?" He repeated out loud. _How was this happening? How was he feeling this? He couldn't feel!_ Cas was officially starting to inwardly freakout.

"What?" Dean stopped rubbing the stuff.

It felt like something moving in his hair with some weird popping sound.

"Dean?" He called, the popping got louder and he pushed Dean away from the sink and throwing his head under the water where it cooled, white paste dripping out of the brassy yellow ends he could see.

"Dude, you were supposed to leave it in for like thirty minutes or something."

From under the water he gave Dean an exasperated look. He shook his head turning the water off and reaching for the towel on the door. "I think I was allergic. It was burning and itchy." How was he allergic? 

"What do you mean? I thought you don't feel things?" He raised his eyebrows.

Cas frowned and scrubbed his still itching head, he looked up. "I don't."

"Well, it looks like it's light enough to show the color." Charlie said in the doorway, most likely not hearing the previous conversation from the smile on her face.

Dean looked back at Cas to see if he still wanted to. Cas nodded, slightly dazed at the moment. Dean shrugged with a small frown and reaching for the blue bottle. Cas sat down and hoped this one didn't involve the same thing as the bleach.

His thoughts going into scary places. And well, if something was going to happen, he might as well live to the fullest before he goes out, right?

Dean opened the bottle and surprisingly it smelled pretty good, at least for being what it was, and dipped his bare hand into it and swirled it around.

Cas had made him change the gloves just in case, but apparently those two were the last so now they had nothing. Dean tried to wash the gloves but then one fell in the strangely big drain and the other still had the white bumps so they were left with nothing.

He held the liquid in his hands and smirked, "Let's do this then." 

Five minutes later, Dean was halfway done when he stepped back to grab more but it slipped through his hands and fell onto the floor with a big splat. He stopped and looked to the ground with a scowl, reaching for the towel behind him before he realized his hands were covered in blue and just made a fingerprint on the white frame.

He tried scrubbing at it with the towel while Cas watched -  trying not to laugh - but failing when Dean reached up to hold his hand down and made an even bigger mess.

"Dammit!"

Not helping any, Cas snorted watching Dean agitate and deciding to give the towel to him. Firstly because he had a swipe of blue on his forehead that dried already, secondly because he managed to make the whole bathroom a mess in under a minute, and third because he handed Cas the towel and spread the blue onto his hands.

Dean retracted his hands and backed away with a frustrated sigh. He fiddled with his hands, trying not to spread it anymore. Cas, wanting to give him a minute, put the towel behind him and cupped some of the blue in his hands and rubbed it in his hair as if it were shampoo. He didn't know what he was doing but it seemed like it was what Charlie said to do.

Dean faced him again with his eyes scanning the blue hands rubbing messily while he tried looking in the mirror and then laughing at him.

"What?" He asked innocently, Dean rolled his eyes and grabbed another sloppy hand full. Cas looked down and then up again which made Dean rub it slightly on his forehead.

"Sit still," He laughed, making Cas chuckle too. He obeyed with another teasing nod but nonetheless sat still.

 

++++++

 

"How does it look?" Cas asked. He turned the water off with effort since the thing was rusting and pretty stiff. He faced Dean while he slowly took the towel off. Hoping he didn't just destroy his hair and look embarrassing so Cas relied on Dean's facial expressions to know if he should be worried or not.

Dean looked up from scrubbing his hands and the wall, looking at him from the side he stopped scrubbing and then turned all the way with an O shape mouth, eyebrows raised. His eyes widened in a slight grimace.

"That bad?" Cas' shoulder went up in a shrug while his head tilted for an answer. He pulled his lips together and breathed, looking down while he stepped forward to see the disaster.

Dean cleared his throat, looking around the bathroom before looking back up with a smirk. Shaking his head he stepped in front of him, "Bad?" he scoffed. "It looks friggen fantastic dude."

He quirked an eyebrow. Cas didn't believe him, blinking in response. "Really?" He doubted.

Dean gave him a quick nod, "Yeah man! You look like a total rocker who hates his parents." he said, still nodding.

Cas gave him a look that clearly said he didn't believe him. Why would that look fantastic? He asked himself. Hating your parents doesn't seem like a good look. He knew that because anyone he saw that said that phrase most likely had leopard print in their hair and he didn't remember painting those on.

Dean caught onto the look and moved away from the counter. "Don't believe me? Look for yourself man." He was smiling so he must either really hate it or really like it. Cas hoped it was the second one because he was tired, sticky and painted blue that he didn't know will come off or not.

He moved past a sheepish Dean and faced the mirror.

"What?" He said. It was mainly to himself, and it was quiet but he still heard. He turned towards Dean, who was rubbing his neck while Cas squinted his eyes back at the reflection.

Dean blinked, "You don't like it?" he sounded slightly disappointed. _Oh yeah, the hair._ He hadn't even looked at it yet.

Cas traveled his eyes from his face onto the bright blue hair, and yes he had to admit it looked pretty good for not knowing what they were doing. Some strands were darker than the others while some were brighter than the overall color but it looked good and everything was covered well. He was surprised to see that even the white strand was covered with a nice glowing blue that matched his contacts closely.

He nodded looking back at him. "Yeah." He shook his head looking at the rusting yellow hued sink. "Yeah, it looks alright." Dean shifted from one foot to the other with his palm out to rest on the counter.

"What's the problem then?"

 Cas sighed. The _problem_ was that his skin tone just changed colors. Literally in the span of a few hours it had changed from a tan makeup covered to bumpy makeup that looked caked on, and a darker tone than the makeup. He seriously couldn't be the only one that noticed the big difference...

Dean repeated his question and turned his head so he was in his vision.

Cas smiled, breathing in, "Nothing. I'm just tired." breathing out. "What time is it?" Dean pulled his eyebrows together but pulled his arm up and broke the confused pout like glare.

"Three."

"I should get going so we can both sleep." Cas threw away the empty bottles and stacked the leftover blue and white liquid from whatever helped the bleach under the sink. It was empty anyways.

"Why don't you just sleepover." Dean bit his lip, waiting for a response. "You know, part of the party."

"Like a sleepover? Dean I thought you weren't into that stuff." Cas teased lightly, smiling over at the blushing boy. His whole face went red from his ears to his neck. Nonetheless looking up at Cas in seriousness. The freckles on his face appearing even more and his lips pouted outward, eyes switching from one to the other. Left then right then left again.

Before he could yell at him, Cas interrupted with a gentle shaking of his head. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why?"

"Because then I would have to take out my contacts and the makeup would come off." Cas mumbled, maybe Dean would get the idea of what he was saying and then he wouldn't have to admit it out loud. "Besides I have to do my medicine when I wake up."

"Okay so? You can wake up and go next door."

_Apparently not._

Cas waited a minute before responding, "So, it's three in the morning and it's dark. I don't want to scare you. I'm pretty horrible to look at without all my cover up." he could see Dean's face scrunching up. He was about to shout, or give him a lecture. He knew, he always had a small temper and talking down on himself was always a problem for Dean.

"You're not horrible to look at." Dean took a step closer to him. "Trust me, i've seen you and you look just the same." He was looking for something to say, Cas concluded. He wanted to say more but Dean was limiting himself.

"Yeah, except no eye color and pale skin that is ice cold." Cas snorted. He was trying to play off cool or jokingly but he knew they both weren't buying it from him.

"Well, that's who you are now." Dean shrugged. "Believe it or not, but when I look at you, white eyes and pillsbury doughboy skin," Dean looked away when Cas choked at the reference. "I still see Cas."

Cas went silent, he turned his neck to look at Dean but he only looked to the side.

"Dude, you could literally be voted the ugliest person alive and it still wouldn't change anything." Dean blurted.

Cas stared at the green eyes refusing to look back at his. He didn't want to get his hopes up. He didn't want to think of this as something more than friend level because it wasn't like he'd care what he looked like anyways. It wasn't like he was going to date him or anything so of course Dean wouldn't care what he looked like.

Dean flipped the lights off. "I'm gonna give you some sweats and we're gonna get some sleep." With that, Dean swung his body around and skipped up the stairs while Cas sat in the dark bathroom. He peeked his head out to see Sam passed out on the couch with a pillow tightly hugged in his arms. His mouth was open and he was snoring loudly.

He stopped himself mid way to follow Dean. Where was Charlie? Did she go home? He looked around, but she was nowhere to be seen and the door was unlocked. Cas stepped down from the stairs and doubled checked the room for her while his body faced the door he was walking closer and closer to.

He reached out and twisted the knob that opened into the night sky with a person, he was assuming was Charlie.

"Charlie?" He called.

The body jumped slightly, turning around with a small noise. "Hey. " She twisted her body and looked up with a smile. "Nice hair."

Cas closed the door, "Thanks." it shut with ease and a quiet creaky protest from the old door. "What are you doing out here?" He asked, he stepped forward and then down a few steps, sitting down next to her. She had stolen the black nail polish from the bag and was finishing up painting over her pinky. He didn't know how she made it so perfectly in the dark with only the moonlight as her light to see the small nails, but she did it.

They sat silently. 

Cas looking at the stars with a humid breeze swaying and Charlie blowing on her nails. Cas opened his mouth to say something on multiple occasions, some were going to ask if she was okay since she was usually hyper so it was strange to see her so calm and at ease, but then he stopped midway.

Charlie continued to blow on her nicely painted nails, sometimes looking over at him when he wasn't looking, but she never said anything. So, for a good ten minutes they sat, just sitting in peace at three thirty in the morning.

"Gimme your hand." She said suddenly, bumping his shoulder to get his attention. Cas blinked, turning to look at her but she only took his hand and set it on her knee.

"What are you doing?"

"It's part of your makeover," She looked up briefly, chuckling before shaking the small bottle and then opening it, brushing off the brush on the edge before bringing it down to his middle finger with a small swipe in the middle of his pale, bluish nail.

He kind of liked it to be honest. It hid the weird color his hands were doing, so he let her continue.

More silence fell between them again.

Charlie scrunched up against his hand, doing three strips neatly onto his nail and then moving on to the next. "So."

"So." Cas mirrored.

She sent him a side eye, turning to dip the brush into the container then wiping it again and turning back to his hand. "How did you and Dean meet?"

Well that's a question he hadn't heard in awhile. It was a good question despite it being a simple curious one, but around here everyone just knew or assumed. He breathed out a simple huff of a laugh, short and brisk at the memory. 

"My family moved in next to the Winchesters, back when the houses were in style," he turned to wave his hand in motion of the two houses, "Dean had came over and invaded my room. Took over all my toys until I got so frustrated I cried." Cas shook his head at the ground.

"Our parents started to call us down, but Dean didn't want to get in trouble so he hugged me and gave me some toys to play with and our parents, uh," He squinted, blinking away the bad memories. "they just thought we did really well so they always planned play dates and stuff." Cas added quickly. "We became very close."

"From what i've seen tonight, I believe it." Charlie grabbed his other hand. "How old?"

Cas exhaled, eyes roaming the rocks after the stairs ended. "We must've been what? Five? We were just going into kindergarten together."

"You guys grew up together?"

Cas nodded, looking her in the eye with a fond memories playing in his head.

"Yeah, I thought so. You guys know each other better than yourselves, looking out for each other." She hummed, painting the black liquid onto his nails in slow careful strokes. "You know," she added cautiously, "I saw the way you look at each other when you aren't paying attention."

_Woah. What?_

Cas jumped defensively, smudging the nail polish on his thumb and looking at the tree next to him.

Charlie didn't hesitate to scold him with a simple slap on his wrist. She told him to stop moving, rubbing her own thumb close to the edge that smudged. He cleared his throat with a small apology. "How is Gilda?" He tried distracting her. She always rambled at the simple mention of her girlfriend.

Cas couldn't talk about this right now. Not when the last time it ended horribly with crumbling false hope that hung on too long. That, and the fact that he would have to go face him after this. Sleeping face to face next to him. He just.. couldn't right now.

"Nice try. Seriously. You both are like little love sick puppies around one another."

"He's my best friend," Cas said quietly.

"That you're in love with." She switched his hands again and started to paint over the first hand with a cloudy color turning to a shiny black.

He shook his head. Closing his eyes and then blinking them open to look at the stars again. "No, i'm not." He snapped gently, just so she would back off.

Instead, she pushed further. "He feels the same you know."

Cas rolled his eyes. He pushed his tongue back and poked his back teeth with his tongue which pushed his jaw outward, "How do you know?"

"The way he looks at you," Her bangs moved as she urgently pushed him. Her voice raised as she told him to blow on his left hand while she started to cover the cloudy color on his right. "Why are you so defensive anyways? Just admit you love him and that's that." She shrugged one shoulder carelessly.

"Because this happened before. I got false hope and I was left waiting for nothing to happen for months on end. He doesn't like me like that so let it go, okay?"

Charlie shook her head no. "Why don't you tell him instead of waiting for him."

"One, it's not that easy. And two, because he's as straight as a pole." He snorted, blowing on his fingers, stopping to look at them closely every few seconds.

This time it was Charlie who laughed loudly and even wiped a fake tear from her eyes, looking up at the sky then down at his hand. She turned to grab the bottle and twisted the white lid back on, setting it down she turned back around and blew on the hand she just finished.

"No," She shook her head wildly with her hair flopping, laughing like a crazy person. "At least not for you." she blew, stopping to laugh and then blowing on the hand again. "When it comes to you, he's as straight as a pole that got ran over by a bus and rearranged."

Cas turned away from her.

"Him going on a limb to tell you is just as fifty-fifty as you telling him. Don't be a girl." She pushed and Cas glared at the same tree next to him, scowling at the small green leaves and bristling noise before it all dropped from a sudden yawn.

"I dunno," he sighed. He physically sunk his whole body starting from his shoulders down his back, bumping his knees together with a squeeze.

"I've gotta go so i'll smell you later." She stood suddenly, pocketing the nail polish with a devilish smile. "Think about it though." She threw out there, waving at him before turning around. Looking from one side to the other she crossed the street, walking until she disappeared behind the big tree he seemed to hate on that night.

Cas stood up, turning and opening the door with ease. He would. He'd probably stay up thinking about it even more, thanks to her.

By the time Cas took off the mask of the day and grabbed the sweats from the counter of the bathroom, Dean was in bed with the lights off and sitting on his right side. Cas slipped under the covers with a grunt while Dean watched with slow, tired eyes.

"Where were you?" He grunted, breathing slowly. He heard Dean swallow then he moved his head on the pillow to get into a more comfy position. "Thought you went home. I was going to kick you the next time I saw you."

"I was talking to Charlie. She went back home." Cas whispered, looking around the moonlit room and tried to get under the covers without moving his clothes upwards. "Why are you still up?"

"I was waitin' for you." He mumbled, eyelashes fluttering on his cheeks. "

Cas rolled his eyes, but it wasn't real. "Just turn around and go to sleep." He whispered back. 

Dean's eyes blinked open again, looking around till he found Cas and then shuffling closer. Cas looked down at Dean's firm grasp on his cold arm. His were warm and clammy from the warmth of the covers since he kept his hands in between his knees when they got cold.

Cas looked back up at the tired boy. He scratched his eyebrow then rubbing his nose, shaking his head once more. 

Cas looked at him with confusion clear in his face, as Dean only inched closer and closer until Cas could feel Dean's breathing on his chin and they were so close that Cas wondered if he was going to do something.

Dean parted his lips and in the moonlight shining through he could see his eyes flicker downwards. He whispered out a few questions but Dean only closed his eyes, the hand on his arm loosened but stayed firmly and soon after the third call of his name he heard his soft snores.

Knowing he was asleep, Cas shyly extended his arm, watching it land on his soft warm cheek. He rubbed it gently with his eyes roaming the features he just so happened to love, he stroked the cheek that turned into soft blonde hair. A few seconds later of admiring his face, Dean snorted in his sleep and turned on his stomach while Cas smiled and turned on his side to get some sleep.

 


	8. Porcelain - 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith comes back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to Robot Koch by Nitesky Featuring John LaMonica and Porcelain by Emarosa, they sound sad imo and i don't know why i did it.

              It's dark when Dean wakes up.

Dean feels like someone hit his head with baseball bat multiple times. He's groaning, and barely awake with a nauseating stomach ache and he only wants to go back to sleep.

But, he can't.

What woke him up in the first place is that screaming outside. It's like a horror film, the screaming comes every few minutes and it's just a small cry of panic and then it dies down. But it was enough to wake Dean up to check everything. Maybe he could do something to stop this and then he could go back to sleep.

He blinked his eyes open, the right peeked open carefully expecting the sun to glare into his vision, but it wasn't there so he peeked the left open in the dark room. His first instinct was to check the curtains because maybe Cas shut them before he came back.

The window a few inches from his bed was open, and the sky was dark with small hints of oranges and a cloudy grey just barely lighting the outside. Dean switched his eyes from the window to the clock on the nightstand.

**4:48 Am.**

That's why he was so tired then. He had only gotten an hour and a half of sleep at the most. He groaned suddenly, wanting to just blame his dream or tiredness for the screaming and go back to bed, because he hadn't heard anything in awhile, but then there was another sudden scream. It was sharp, brisk but full of fear. It almost sounded like a close call in a game, or almost getting hurt.

 _Was Cas hearing any of this?_ He was always a really deep sleeper so maybe Cas hadn't heard any of this since it wasn't too close. Dean untangled himself from the warm blanket so he wouldn't tangle tightly when he turned. Once the blanket was loosely hanging over the bottom of his torso he turned his head, and a brief second later he flipped onto his stomach.

Cas was gone and another scream erupted through the peaceful chirping from the birds hanging on the houses. Dean threw the blanket from little of what was on him and ran to the window across from his room so he could check the front of the houses.

Maybe Cas just went home. Or maybe he never came into bed and decided to go home instead? No. He definitely remembered Cas coming back from his talk with Charlie so he couldn't have. He wouldn't go home after only an hour of sleep either.

Another scream came. This time it was much louder and one more voice was added to it.

What the hell was happening? And where was Cas?

He moved the curtain backwards to get a clearer view of the side of the road where he thought he saw something. To which he was correct. A Hummer was parked in the middle of the street. The car was still on but nobody was in it, and it looked like they all gathered in a circle. His eyes swept over the black vehicle for any signs giving away who owned it.

The front half of what he could see was clean, putting aside the dried mud stains up to the handles of the car. The middle seemed clean too. He found the back and had to move to the side to actually see it, but when he saw the three letter abbreviation in big, runny letters, he was out of the door in an instant.

He unlocked the front door, bursting it open when the two locks were undone from the old door. He was barefoot with only sweats and a thin sweatshirt loosely hanging from his shoulders but he didn't care. He eyed the area, walking towards the jeep when he heard another scream.

It was loud up close and when the scream was cut off he heard a rough laugh similar to the one he hated more than anything from a particular blonde. Most likely to be found in a big green jacket, a smirk and a signature braid down her back.

Dean tip toed to the big vehicle. He leaned his back under the back window with big red letters, sliding his back to the side of the car. He squatted in place under the mirror in the dark part of the group. He sneaked a glance over the hood of the car.

It was only then that Dean noticed his heart was in his ears. He was quietly panting and his legs were beginning to shake in fear, but mostly annoyance.

"Luke, stop! Please!" Someone called. It sounded like Jeffery from across the street.

He finally found the cause of the screaming when he heard heavy footsteps approaching something; someone intimidatingly steady, patient and it made him physically jump when he heard the booming sound of someone's nose, possibly jaw cracking under the hit of whatever it was.

"Just take them out!"

Whoever got punched he guessed, spit onto the ground with a lot coming out and a loud hack followed after the slurred words, "Please."

Dean perked up at the voice.

"I said, Take. Them. Out!" The tall figure growled. He was tall but from where Dean stood, he was taller than him. He raised his fist as Dean stood behind none other than Lucifer; Lilith's dad, the king snake of it all.

"I don't know what you mean." Cas said, he was hunched over and he swiped the back of his hand to the the black goo surrounding his lips and down his chin, some dribbled down his neck had smeared. "I don't have any in." He shook his head. "I swear."

All heads turned to Dean when he finally stepped into the center of the light on the car behind him now, circling a furious Lucifer with a colt revolver rifle leaning on his neck, his palm held the bottom of it. The gun was small but he made a guess that he didn't need to use it much, considering.

Dean circled until he was in the middle of the group surrounding Cas knelt down on his knees and hunched. Dean's anger spiked when his eyes carried onto each person in the circle. Everyone he ever guided to do good in the HVF held a gun pointed to him. All except four people, but one was dead and he was one of them.

All their guns clicked and set back onto him all at once. It caught his eye and he moved his eyes from the group to look at Lucifer, who only smirked.

"How'd you get him? The door was locked."

Lucifer cocked his head. "You should really start locking your back window. Pretty easy to get in." He tusked, shaking his head. He paced, and circled calmly, steadily with one foot in front of the other, a few seconds later his other caught up moving the rocks in the road with soft crunches.

Dean glared. They must have had someone watching, and then planned to get them when least expecting it. They probably knew how messed up Sam was and same for him. Perfect opportunity, perfect timing. It urked Dean further.

"What did you do to them?" He looked at the group the closed in on him, each held a scowl somewhere on his body. "Bribe them with money? Brainwash them to go kill innocent people?"

"I didn't have to do anything to them." Lucifer shrugged, his wrinkly skin lifted in his calm eyebrow raise. "Ever heard of free will?"

Dean didn't believe any word from him. He obviously had done something to get their attention. He had to have, because before all of this Anna was a vegan who refused to eat a burger nonetheless shoot up a person whether alive or not, especially if she didn't know a single thing about them. She couldn't even do any killing during the rising either, she stayed the look out or simply warned someone before running.

Behind Lucifer was Aaron Bass, who had done well, but he wasn't a sadistic judgmental person who hated someone he's never met. Adam did what he had to and when the day was over he prayed. He made up for what he felt bad about doing. He wouldn't do this if he wasn't forced.

In the end, they weren't these cold glowers he was getting, but Dean let it go. He just wanted to get Cas out of here before he got hurt even worse, he just had to find a way for them to get out.

"Move Winchester. This can be quick and easy. We'll be gone the second _it_ is taken down." Luke said loudly. He was stopped in front of Dean now, his gun was slowly falling into place in his arms.

"Sorry." Dean replied sarcastically at the man with a red face. "Can't do that."

"Why are you defending a _rotter_? Over us? Your team!" He followed his arm around the crowd. They all nodded.

"You aren't my team anymore." He spat. Were they seriously saying this right now? It was one thing to try and get him to agree to killing someone who was innocent but another to try and kill his best friend in front of him. Dean would've killed Lucifer right then and now if it weren't for the guns on Cas. He was _furious_.

Luke didn't say anything.

"Why are you doing this? Cas didn't do anything to you." He swallowed, solely staying on track.

"I'm sure you know. You were there."

"Where?" Dean squinted.

Lucifer half turned his body to face the blonde behind him. And as if it was a practiced cue, Lilith dipped the maroon turtleneck to reveal dark bruises in the shape of Dean's hands.

Dean scoffed loudly and took a step backwards.

It had been far long enough for the bruises to go away instead of darkening so he guessed Luke believed the petty story and fake makeup that poorly covered the marks.

Dean took his eyes from the gun in Bela's hand just about to rest on his shoulder as she repositioned her stance, he smirked despite the bile sitting in his throat. "Proud to say. That wasn't Cas. That was me. And if your daughter could just keep her mouth shut nothing would've happened." He shrugged one sided.

Luke breathed through his nose. "And here I thought you were smarter than this, Winchester. Putting your life in front of a rabid? You prove me wrong each time. Now. move."

"What are you going to do?" He pushed. Just spare some time for a plan to pop up in his head. Look around and figure something out. Or so he hoped.

"Isn't it obvious?" Lucifer stopped, making Dean think he might've been the real devil to rise when he pulled the baggy pants up. Dean's eyes followed the movement to see the small gun used in the HVF tucked into his boot, the ones that could specifically kill a Partially Deceased. With the pants no longer piled at his ankles, he furthered his stance with wide legs and his arms crossed with the gun tucked in his armpit.

 _Shit.Shit.Shit.Shit._  "You don't have to do this, Luke." His stomach was curling up in fear of what might happen. He had to get Cas away and fast before he would let Luke do anything further.

This time he had a chance to stop it.

"Oh. But I want too." He laughed. It was rough and Dean cringed when he heard something unnatural crack in the back of his throat when it made a dislocating noise.

His head whipped back in his direction, "Don't." Dean warned, he stepped in front of Cas but he only got closer and closer.

Lucifer stepped forward with his gun now in his hands. He shuffled it between his hands before it landed near his belly, pointed in Cas' general direction. "Move." He grumbled. His head stayed on the body behind him but his eyes moved to the top of his lid to look at Dean.

"If you want him you go through me." Dean barked. His palms were sweating and he didn't know how they would survive this. He didn't think he would get out of here alive, but he refused to lose Cas again. Even if it meant he died while Cas ran. He would do it in a heartbeat, he really would, but it didn't mean he wasn't frightened.

"Fine by me." Luke simply said. The barrel of the gun was in his eyes as he stared into the dark, hollow pipe.

"No!" Someone called again. It was a different voice this time since he didn't recognize the high pitched voice. Luke stopped, looking over his shoulder shortly. "Get them out of here." He ordered, motioning to the worried group behind the group with guns.

Twins from the group he didn't know personally nodded their almost bald heads in sync. They pulled away a girl with Jeffrey, screaming their protest.

They finally quieted with what Dean assumes is a threat. Luke rolled his shoulders, sighing as he faced Dean once again.

Dean's mouth parted. He could feel sweat piling onto the sides of his forehead. The Hummer lights on his body, and everyone he trusted surrounded him in betrayal. He looked around the group, then at the lightening sky one last time. They closed the gap.

The gun pulled away from his sight and a second later he heard a click. Luke stared at him through the silence, and Dean saw it. He saw it in his eyes that he was going to do it. The gun came back down to his neck this time. Right in the middle of his throat where he swallowed, the gun shifted but not enough.

His finger switched from the top of the silver lining to the trigger, curling up around it and ready to end his life.

"Wait." Dean backed out. He grew what little bravery he had in the moment and backed away his shaky legs, he pulled on the collar of his hunched friend. He couldn't exactly see his face as the gun was now on his neck but he used the effort he had to pull up his friend with his free hand.

Maybe this will work after all.

"Cas." He said, it was shaky but soft. "Get up, Cas." He repeated with his eyes on Luke. He had to figure out a way to get Cas out of here quickly. Maybe someone would be too slow and Cas could run away in time.

"What?" Cas slurred. He was barely awake and he felt heavy.

"We're getting out of here." Was all he said.

Luke looked utterly amused, like he knew something everyone else didn't.

Cas didn't say anything. He just cooperated with Dean struggling to pull his weight up. He eventually got him up even though he couldn't stand by himself so he was leaning on Dean for most of it. Black goo got on his shoulder as he stood with a weak groan in his ear.

"What do you think you're doing?" Luke declared. Each person from the group stood up from their own hunched posture.

Dean drew in air silently. He was getting light headed from how little he was breathing for his beating chest, but he couldn't let them see how nervous he was. They would see how unsure he is and think something is up. "We're leaving." He huffed.

Luke hummed, and motioned his arms to the people trapping them in a circle they had created. "You think you'll get far?" _Why is he so calm?_

"No." Dean himself eyed the matching gun the group he was sporting. None of them had the bullets to kill a rabid, or a Partially Deceased sufferer so that put Dean's mind to ease slightly. He tilted his head down at the dirty boots where Luke followed.

Dean reached behind his back, pulling the thin material above and his gun clicked in place. His arm shot out in a straight line, resting between his eyes. "Drop the gun." His voice lowered half way to make himself more intimidating while inside his body constricted against shaking and wanting to shift away from all eyes with his own vision starting to blur.

But he stood his ground, held his arm firmly and refused to lose eye contact. It's what he had to do. He'd do anything necessary. 

"Are you threatening _me_?"

"I'm the one with the gun to your head here so if you wanna live, I said drop the damn gun. And tell your group not to try anything." He challenged. For further effect he stepped forward, moving the gun to use as a pointer to the one directed at him too. He knew they all _needed_ Lucifer alive, it's the only reason they weren't shooting right now. Either that or they've just grown consciences.

He moved the gun when Lilith tried to step in but Dean moved the gun to her. "Don't test your luck."  He laughed bitterly. He'd shoot her foot if he had too. She stepped behind her father as if he was a shield almost instantly.

The gun navigated to Lucifer once more. His finger on the side had moved down to curl around the trigger and he lightly tapped it twice. He drew out a shaky breath in the silence.

Everything became dull. 

 _The stares._ Dean could feel everyone's stare burning on his skin, but all he could think about was getting Cas out of here. _Think of a plan._ He felt under pressure, and sure, he was. But it was hard to think when at any moment someone could pull the trigger. On him, on Luke or on Cas. It was only half a second away and he didn't have a dozen eyes to watch out for it.

 _How was he going to get out of here?_ He looked at the road directly on the newly painted white marking for traffic. _Now what?_ Dean thought harshly. The two words repeated in his head frustratedly. He had the power, he could do something. He could tell them to move since they both had a gun, meaning it was fifty-fifty right?

Dean stepped backwards with his gun moved to Luke's forehead. "Tell them to move."

Luke swept his eyes from Dean and a half asleep Cas hugging his side. They slid over a few faces before he nodded at a particular person diagonal from Cas, who sputtered with goo falling from him. The look Luke gave the person had found the doubt in Dean's abdomen burning in uncertainty.

He had no other choice though. They needed to get out and they'd find out what's happening with Cas. They would get help, and he'd make sure of it that they were prepared the next time Luke tried something. If he was backing down now, he was positive he'd come back again.

The two of them backed away slowly. Dean took a few steps into the open gap with his eyes on Lucifer. The gun was still positioned onto somewhere on his face so it was only that they were far enough to turn around. He could run from there before they had time to do anything.

As soon as Dean turned around there was movement that was too quick for human eye. It only took a split second for the harsh movement to hit his body from the contact of whatever hit Cas, which he felt was much harder, heavier on his body.

Cas gasped, and god, it was _so_ loud. The sound was harsh and enough for Dean to look over with wide eyes.

The juicy, dislocating sound came next where Cas fell onto his knees; head bowed into a similar position he had found him on his knees and he was desperately gasping for air, but it didn't sound like his usual breathing, it was like he was trying to catch the oxygen like he _needed_ it.

Dean recognized the man to be Michael, pulled his body away from Cas with a loud grunt, pushing himself away with a black and red dripping knife. A really big knife he's never seen in his life. And being in the HVF, he's seen all there was. But not this one. It was long and pretty thin but the sharpest Dean has ever seen.

He stepped away with a loud shrill and darted for the Hummer that circled around with a few new dents from Dean's shots.

Dean sat there shooting for any place on the car he could get. The window broke after the tenth shot but they were already too far away with Cas whimpering behind him. He used the final two shots he had left until his gun clicked continuously. His fingers shook in anger, flared nostrils and heart beat getting faster and faster the harder he worked himself up.

He was furious. He'd kill them. All of them.

He finally whipped around to see Cas on the floor. His heart dropped. Dean stopped breathing at the sight.

Dean had never seen Cas looking so fragile. Cas finally looked up at Dean, spitting countless of the stuff from his mouth. His lips were parted and he looked so fragile, he was on his knees with soft noises coming from him. "Dean." He whispered, looking at him with something in his eyes, and then he dropped. 

Cas turned on his stomach, and he looked limp. The blood, or goo, it was all the same from that night. Cas was dripping onto the pavement. He wasn't even bleeding anymore it was all flooding out from his mouth and his stomach. 

The pained noises were torturing Dean into complete shock, anger and panic as it was. Dean wanted to get up. He _needed_ too, because this wasn't normal for a PDS sufferer. They didn't feel pain. Something was seriously wrong. 

_Get up, Winchester. Get the hell up and do something. Get. Up. Move already dammit!_

He couldn't, though. As much as he hollered and screamed, he was stuck.

Everything suddenly went over Dean's head. It was like in a movie, all those times where something would happen and it'd all go into a slow motion with no sound to know what was happening, that's exactly how Dean felt. He didn't hear anything, the gun had dropped to his side and he fell to his knees. It was a hard drop. He didn't feel it though. 

Cas slipped somewhere on his elbow. Dean didn't even know how or what he had slipped on but he choked further, louder, and then his grip on his stomach became looser. He was getting quieter suddenly. Dean continued shouting at himself, just wanting to wake up from the blurred vision going in and out of the day in the car, nervously clutching Cas' hand. He didn't care how touchy he was, Dean clutched to Cas the whole ride home, because they both knew the feelings there. What it would do to him. 

Or... _were_. _Did_. Ever since Cas came back there was little to nothing in that area. No interest, no feelings and the touching was all gone, so he backed off.

He found comfort in holding the boy's hand, even with the dried blood and cold hands. Little did Dean know that he was dying then. He didn't know. He thought Cas had a concussion. He'd be fine.

Obviously, he wasn't.

Dean's vision was starting to see two of Cas, and he was pretty sure his oxygen wasn't filling his lungs anymore with an ache he felt the last time. He roamed his eyes over the body shielded away from him and curling up into itself. The most terrifying part Dean felt was not knowing if he was alive or not.

He turned the body to him as gently as he could, even knowing he shouldn't feel pain, but oddly he was and Dean was petrified. His shoulders bucked up like a scared cat and his body kept shifting forward more and more he saw of Cas. Dean let go and found his body shaking violently as his fingers brushed his body for the cut.

Michael had taken the knife out so he was losing more blood, - or goo - much faster, and he was pretty sure it would leave more damage. He found the cut where he instantly pushed on it with as much force as he could. It would hurt him, or it wouldn't, but it would help a lot.

He traced his eyes back to the pale boy in blind hope.

He really had no way to check if he was technically alive or not since he wouldn't have a pulse or need to breathe, he wouldn't feel pain, so all he could do was wish he woke up.

Dean removed his hands and slapped the pale cheeks mixed with black goo calling his name and left his hands on his face while he looked over his shoulder for oncoming traffic. There wasn't any so he turned back.

"Cas?" He tried. The memories played in his head as easily as the desperation filled his voice. He tried to shuffle them away from the street and onto the sidewalk. He was getting covered with the goo now. It was everywhere.

“Hey,” He shook him again. Because his mind wasn’t processing that this was real. He wouldn’t - _couldn’t_ lose Cas again. “Cas, man, snap out of it.”

Cas didn’t move. He didn’t flinch, he didn’t even choke, or open his eyes. 

“Come on.” He whispered.

Dean closed his eyes, ignoring the lump that formed around the weak feeling in his throat. Tears built up inside his eyelids while he dug his hands onto the deep cut under his fingers. Cas' jacket might have been thick but he still felt the big gash in his stomach oozing sticky substance by the second passing.

Dean called for help until he lost his voice, just hoping someone would wake up and hear him. He called for anyone, as loud as his voice would go for however long that felt like forever, but nobody came and he was stuck in the hold of a bloody body still clung to him.

"Help!" He _screamed_ powerfully, voice wavering in an angered tone that broke off key towards the end. _Why was nobody hearing him? How come nobody was waking up? There's someone screaming bloody murder and nobody hears a damn squeak?_

He called his name three more times with uncontrollable shaking lips pulled into a deep pout. He looked down with sad, guilty eyes as he desperately called the simple meaningful name, cursing the gods above.

Dean shouldn't have had that much to drink. That way he could've came up with a better plan than the one he did with almost no sleep and slightly half drunk.

He called one last, single time. " _Cas_!" He shook the limp body as hard as he could.

He had tried getting up many minutes ago, many times, but his legs teetered like bambi trying to walk for the first time. He wobbled, he shook and then he fell again. Dean might've broken his knee, he thinks. Dean also thinks it should be him dying. Or at least he should be on the ground dying with him.

Why hadn't they hurt him instead? If Dean sat there nothing would happen to him, but if Cas did, then, you could take a wild guess. Dean currently couldn’t go there, even in thought.

Tears were slipping his eyes now. Countless just slipping right past his control and he curses himself for not being able to do squat. He's so frustrated. Something is preventing him from walking, he has no phone and nobody hears his screams. Dean almost spits hateful words his own way for even _thinking_ about doing something, because his damn brother is just across the street.

Luckily, he doesn't get the chance because Cas starts stuttering again.

His friend suddenly moved. His shoulders shook slightly following his bobbing throat and mouth opening as wide as his eyes. He gasped for air, looking around with glassy eyes.

"Dean." Cas turned his head to look directly up at the boy. He looks as panicked as Dean. Dean nodded, edging him to talk more, but he couldn't because he opened his mouth again and piles of dark red oozed from his mouth. He closed his mouth with a pile of it landing on the side of his mouth and dripping down his neck, some onto the road.

 _Blood_? He inquired. _What the hell?_

He opened his mouth again, desperately trying to get something out but he couldn't. He started choking violently on the blood as it was too much for him.

Dean breathed out in relief as his heart pounded back to life in his ears. He looked down up at the house and then down at the choking boy in panic. Shushing him, Dean clutched on him. Anything he could touch he did. His hands, hair, his leg, arm, you name it, Dean was clutching like a lifeline.

Finally, a body eurppted from the corner and spotted them.

Dean frantically waved her down, and barked orders to get to the house with dents on the door and call the police, _because his goddamn best friend is dying here and there's no need to get blood on your white skirt, now go, dammit!_

He leans forward once the panicked girl is pounding on the door, he whispers low assuring Cas that help is on it's way after he had sat him up to puke it out.

Dean begged Cas to keep fighting as he watched the girl pound with all her might. She was small, but was definitely helping even if she got bruises later. She banged on the door as hard as she could into the dents that were already made.

Dean sat back, switching his gaze from the door to Cas currently puking and losing even more blood by the second. His heart races like a marathon inside his frozen body.

He starts rocking with the rythem of his body shaking while Cas is still silent.

She got one more pound into the door before it burst open and she leaned forward, losing her balance. She looked back at the Cas choking on his blood in panic. Dean speaks before the girl can. "Jallie!“ He calls for her attention. He gets it. ”Call the police and get out here immediately!" He looks at her with wide panicked eyes. He just wants to scream he doesn’t know what to do.

"What?" Jallie sputtered.

"It's Cas. Something's wrong. Seriously wrong." He has to take a moment to breath. "He got stabbed and now he's bleeding. Like blood so call the police _now_!" He barked.

The girl ran back to the boys, staring as Dean picked the boy up in his arms and soothed his hair down while he hurled dark red onto the street. It was starting to pile up into a sticky puddle in the sunlight peeking above the sky.

Hopefully they would get here soon before cars started to pass by for work, or school. He couldn’t exactly move both body weights at the moment.

Dean looked left then right on the empty road whilst his hands rubbed soothingly up and down Cas' arms. He hacked one last time that yanked his upper body forward and he heard the small gagging rising. Cas spit a small drop and turned his body tiredly. "Dean, I can-"

Dean hushed him. "No, Cas. Rest until help gets here." He tried to get Cas to lay back down until he had to throw up again, but he only pushed his hands from him with a stubborn shake of his head.

"I can feel it." He wheezed, tired. His eyes were fluttering shut every few seconds.

Dean’s confusion shows, and for a brisk half of a second it’s the only emotion on his face. "You can feel what?" Dean moved his head so his friend dipping in and out of reality would focus on him.

"My body." He coughed roughly. He sniffled and reopened his mouth, looking up in a dazed state. "It's coming back to life. My heart is beating, i'm in pain?" He lightly shook his head. "I'm-“

“Human?”

Cas smiles very small, “Alive again, yes." He choked once more before he lost control and laid his head into Dean, passing out cold.

Dean doesn’t know what’s happening, or _how_ any of this is happening, but suddenly getting Cas help is far more urgent than before because now he’s not only in pain but has a much bigger possibility to die.

He hears cars coming their direction, turning down the road while he looked up wildly and worriedly. He waved his hands so they'd purposely see him and Cas, maybe the blood would be noticeable and they'd stop.

Dean hears the sirens from his right and he digs his hands deeper onto the cut to stop the blood that was still oozing past his fingers.

The ambulance stopped in a hurry and both doors opened. A woman stayed at the wheel but three men ran from the back immediately asking Dean what happened.

"Luke, uh, Lucifer." He said. "He and the HVF came and they-they beat him and we tried getting away bu-but he had someone stab him." Dean stuttered. It’s embarrassing that he doesn’t know half the things coming from his mouth right now.

The man nodded, chewing his gum and looking down at the clipboard. Another suited up man had started to jog over while he saw movement in the corner of his eye, something fell with a thump and stretched with wheels.

"Is he human or a Partially Deceased?"

"Um, I don't know. He was Partially Deceased yesterday but then he got stabbed and suddenly the black goo turned into blood.“ He shook his head, he knows he sounds crazy.

"Sir, please answer the question. We need to know where to send him." The man jogging made his way to Cas, looking at Dean for an answer in expectation.

"Uh, human, I guess." He looked up, looking away as soon as the lights from the parked ambulance was on his face and all he could see was white. He squinted and avoided looking back up.

The man took him from Dean's grasp and put him on a stretcher where they gave information to the guy with the clipboard, who nodded mutely and wrote it all down.

The guys placed around the stretcher start hollering numbers and hospital talk that Dean doesn’t know. It all goes fast. 

They passed more information between each other, talking and moving around too fast for Dean’s liking and they got some supplies out, along with an oxygen mask onto Cas' face. The older man on the right of Cas had made notes that his body was reacting like it was waking up from something extreme so he was very weak. _Like Cas had mentioned._

"Is he going to be okay?" Dean interrupted frantically. He tried standing up, looking between the guys who abruptly stopped and looked at him when he couldn’t stand and suddenly Dean was hit with immense pain.

"We don't know, sir. We have to get him to the hospital as fast as we can. Please get yourself checked out with the other ambulance.“ He pointed to the other just parking.

"Great. Work faster than." He barked. His knee could wait.

"Sir-"

Dean glared, cutting the man off. "Don't 'sir' me. He's dying and you guys are acting like it's a friggen scraped knee!" He motioned to Cas and then the guy snapping a bubble. In the moment Dean wanted nothing more than to grab the gum from his mouth and stick it up his overly big nostrils currently flaring at him.

Nonetheless they had listened to him rant while the two guys wheeled Cas to the open doors of the back of the truck. The men got Cas in and hooked up to an IV. It was pleasingly fast.

Dean watched them set up, "Can I ride with him?" He asked, eyeing the two work swiftly under his stare, still on the ground.

Sirens pulled their attention behind them where two police cars showed up, all four stepping out. The younger man turned with trash from the needle of the IV, his eyes left the small pile he set on the floor and looked at the red and blue lights flashing behind them. "I'm sorry, sir. You were involved and you have his blood on you. You have to talk to the cops before anything."

Dean was about to say something and he opened his mouth but then a hand landed on his shoulder, he looked up.

"Excuse me, mister." The officer retracted his hands to rest on his belt. Dean's eyes followed the motion and looked up once the belt dipped under the weight of both hands.

"Yes?" He quirked an eyebrow. Well this was embarassing from the ground. Where was the ambulance at?

"I'll need to ask you a few questions if you don't mind." He took his hands from the belt to pull out a gold pen from the pocket on his shoulder with a small notepad following after.

Dean looked behind him. "Uh, look." He licked his lips as an excuse to stop talking, "I know how it looks but I really need to get to my friend over there." he jabbed a thumb over his shoulder.

The officer looked up from the open notepad, tilting to look at the closing door behind him. "Well he's leaving so once you're done with the questions and getting your knee checked out, you can go see him." _How does everyone know it's his knee?_

Once he heard the final door closing Dean had turned his head to see.

The older man further in the truck had tapped the window above Cas' head before they started up with the bright red lights, this time without the alarm.

Inside was Jallie hunched over the small bed with Cas in it. She had damp cheeks and looked to be yelling at the men in the truck. Most likely trying to take control of the situation, but after all she was just a nurse.

"We got a call saying someone got stabbed but that was it. What happened here? And why was there weapons involved?" He asked, pointing to the gun he had left. Dean rubbed the back of his neck and turned to face the officer.

"Well..." He started.

It had only taken Dean exactly six minutes through questions before he cut the officer off. "Yes." He nodded impatiently, avoiding putting his hands on his face like he usually would since the blood was dried all over his hands.

"Listen, I swear i'll answer more questions later but i'm sure you got what you needed for now. I've really gotta go." Dean shouted over his shoulder, leaving back of the ambulance with the blanket leaving his shoulders. 

His knee was messed up, and badly but now he had a strong splint that helped him limp through the extreme pain, at least letting him walk now. Even if he could feel the broken bones grinding with each step.

He heard the officers stressing with hands sliding down their faces and simple words muttered out saying something about it being _very_ fatal.

Dean heard the news and slammed the door as quietly as he could without waking his brother up. The door didn't shut quietly but he knew it wouldn't wake Sam up from the deep slumber he had when he woke up from drinking.

His car was silent except for the praying Dean was spilling out over and over. He wasn't even religious but he was praying to anything with a powerful existence to help Cas out.

He made the fifteen minute drive into ten, very sure to be arrested for many felonies all in just a few minutes, but hell, he made it to the hosptial.

_Finally._


	9. The beginning of hope - 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is the new medical mystery and Dean snoops around only to find something that Cas may not like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters, you guys don't know just how many sceneries and possible things i've written, full chapters that got deleted to write something else till this came along. So i hope you guys enjoy it as this was so frustrating to write lol

"How is he?" 

"Dean," Jallie gasped, her voice nasally from crying and she held a tissue wrapped around her index finger. She got up from the chair in the empty waiting room, looked around and then found Dean. She walked over to him while she wiped under her eyes. 

 

Jallie still had her blue silk pajamas on with her robe down to her ankles, on her feet were black flip flops. Her hair was a mess when he knocked on the door but now it was tightly sealed into a low bun. It looked like it hurt. 

 

"They had to go into emergency surgery." Her voice trailed off with a small cry, "Doctor Stevens wouldn't tell me anything other than he had never seen anything like this before."

 

Dean bit his lip. It was really that bad then, he wondered. Dean felt the sudden realization ripple through his body once again in a breathless and sweaty burst of anxiety. He brought his hand to rub his face, maybe it would relax his permanent scowl, but stopped himself short from the remainder of blood on his hands dried over his skin in red all the way up to his elbows. He pulled away his hands with a pulling frown. 

 

Her words finally processed in his head. His fried, shocked brain. Dean had read about shock coming as a short thing. Why was it still standing over him like a cloud then? 

 

Dean's brows met each other in the middle. "Seen anything like what?" He knew. Why was he playing dumb? It had been stuck in his had the whole ride. 

 

"Turning." She sniffled. 

 

He pursed his lips, it sounded so different outloud. It could be either a nightmare or a miracle. "I know. I saw the blood and then he said he felt it." It was really the only thing he could comprehend. Pain. Blood. Two things PDS sufferers obviously don't experience anymore. He blew the air from his cheeks, running a hand through his hair. It felt like he had put some product in it from the sticky substance that made it stand. 

 

"What? What did he say?" She stood taller now with curious eyes burning on his lowered face. He couldn't look at her. He'd just see blue eyes that looked too alike to Cas'. 

 

"Cas said he felt his heart beating again and he was hurting. Obviously bleeding actual blood, but I think that was it." Dean said. Had he said anything else? Dean couldn't remember anymore. 

 

The short blonde slumped with newly glassy eyes, shaking her head. "Oh," She whined, starting another sob. ”It’s all my fault.“

 

“No, it wasn’t. Nobody knew Lucifer was coming.” Dean wanted to be more supportive, but all he could feel was numb, worried. Even his voice came out robotic. 

 

Jallie shook her head. “No!” She pushed away from him. It wasn't vengeful but Dean was still physically pushed away. “I didn’t listen to him. I-i should’ve done something!” She was hysterical now. She was nearly screaming in the middle of the waiting room. 

 

Dean didn’t know what was going on. Jallie, knew that though because she knew Dean. She told him it was okay, that he didn’t know what to say and tamed his curiosity. 

 

"When," she drew in a shaky breath. "He wasn't feeling well lately." She said instead, "He kept telling me that he felt something was off. That he felt them watching. I told him he was being silly." Her body shook with every few words so she held her arms around her body. She bit her lip and shook her head. "You'd think i'd learned my lesson. That I listened. We could've predicted this." She stopped, looking into the distance.

 

Jallie reminded Dean of his mom with her blonde hair and blue eyes looking up at him with care for him. Dean knew she was holding back the more screams just for his sake. 

 

Dean finally looked down at her again, and pulled into the hug fully. He could feel his shirt dampening below his shoulder. "He should blame me." She whispered. 

 

"He won't. He wouldn't. Cas isn't like that." He assured. It was all he could get out. The words were formed in his head, ready to spill that it wasn't her fault, but when he opened his mouth nothing came. It was cliche. Frustrating. But well accurate. 

 

Dean took the comfort in his own imagination, imagining his mom telling him it would be okay, and Jallie took it as her own. Most likely family too. 

"I can't lose him again." Jallie cried. “I just can’t."

 

The whisper hurt Dean to hear. He had to clear his throat of possible tears. "You won't." He said, ignoring his mind telling him otherwise. He blinked away his own watery eyes, he repeated. "We won't."

 

 ++++++

 

To say Dean was fine was a complete and utter bullshit lie.

 

He was the one telling everyone Cas would be okay, that he was strong so he'd make it out alive. Dean even caught himself telling someone that he was a fighter, but really, it was denial. All denial with the fact that he'd be anything but okay. 

 

He wanted to believe it, he really did, but his mind kept repeating the doctor's words,  _"We haven't seen anything like this before."_ It had to be a bad thing, it had to be. _"We don't know how to handle this situation."_  Situation. Not a life in their hands or anything, Dean thought bitterly. He didn't express it though. 

 

Doctors don't tell that to everyone just to be perfectly fine. They told it as a warning to think a certain way. As a way of telling them not to get their hopes too high. 

 

At least in Dean's mind it was. 

 

It's been hours since Dean made it to the hospital but Cas is still in surgery. The nurse had predicted that it'll be a few more hours in surgery at the least, which if you couldn't tell by this time had made Dean completely spaz out until he found himself rubbing off the blood sticking onto his arm hairs. 

 

They had been so light he never noticed he had so many until they were darker. Who knew blood was so hard to get off? Obviously it was sticky, dried and clumped onto him so it wasn't going to be a piece of cake but he'd swore he walked into the bathroom a little over twenty minutes ago. 

 

Dean wiped the last of the blood from his arm with a frustrated growl erupting from his throat. He slammed his hand onto the shiny metal until the water abruptly stopped. He was still stained red but the actual blood was all washed off. Why couldn't his mind just _shut up_? Why couldn't he stop comparing things to the last time? 

 

The small sudden act felt good against his hand so he turned away from the mirror with his lip curled, eyes roaming for anything small he could relieve his wrath on. 

 

He was mad. Really mad, in fact _furious_ with the situation. He should've saved him faster. Created a better plan. He shouldn't have let the feeling in his stomach drop. It would be on him that Cas got hurt, all on him. It was in his own home he got taken from, next to him and he didn't feel it. How could Dean not feel it? 

 

He was furious with himself, and he was furious with Luke. Michael too. Dean swore he’d make sure they're in jail for a good couple of years. Rotting in a small cell. Constantly reminded of what they did. When they came out, they'd search for Dean, but he'd be ready to take them on. 

 

Dean's body whipped around with his arms ready in fists, slightly shaking but his body was warming. He felt his heart rate spiking with each breath he drew, his jaw clenching, scraping teeth against the other. He was seeing red. Nothing but red. He glared at the first thing that came to view. 

 

It happened to be his face in the mirror. 

 

Dean walked up to the mirror and drew back his arm as far as it would go, releasing it to shoot out into the glass as hard as he could. He was so angry all he felt was the dull stinging aftermath. 

 

A grunt escaped his lips when he pulled back watching his reflection cripple down piece by piece, until the bottom half of his body showed his stomach heavily rising and falling with a big crack down what was left, but it wasn't enough. He wasn't satisfied just yet. 

 

His bloody knuckles dripped onto the plastic that held toilet paper, ripping it off with force. It broke in half, the first in his hands then the second popping from the wall and landing with a loud thump. He chucked the half he had in his hands across the small bathroom until it snapped on a corner and fell the same way. 

 

Next, he kicked the bin. Everything of different sorts fell onto the ground under his force from candy wrappers to rods of toilet paper wrapped around itself to empty wrappers and water bottles. Dean ripped the green plant from it's personalized garden and threw that, along with the paper towel holder, a kick to the wall finished with small angry grunts.

 

His breathing was in brisk pants. He felt dizzy, his knuckles burned and his teeth dully throbbed with his foot inside the boot, almost in sync. He leaned against the wall beside the door until he was no longer steaming with ire, scary thoughts.

 

It was a while of hearing the small splats of blood dripping onto the floor, but finally after another set of minutes, he stepped back to look at the mess he made with the splats echoing throughout the room. They were becoming less and less. 

 

Dean's guilty, hooded eyes overlooked the room one last time before bowing. He kept his head down to avoid looking around the broken room and escaped the bathroom with shame. In his mind he apologized to the person who had to clean that up. 

 

Dean nodded as calmly as he could to Jallie when he made his way to her direction. Once reaching her he said, "I'm gonna call someone to take care of Sam really quick." grabbing his phone and turning to find an empty hallway. 

 

He scrolled through his contacts, anxious and desperate for anyone to come up. He couldn't call Bobby, or Ellen. Jo didn't have a car and he didn't know anyone else that would do him any favors. Plus Dean didn't have many contacts in the thing anyway.

 

His thumb scrolled through A's and B's for the second time before he saw the name. Dean thanked himself for remembering to get her number and pressed on the call button, waiting with what felt like fear during the first ring that reached his ears.

He looked around the hallway to make sure it was empty and put his hand over his stomach. His right hand was still dripping blood, slowly. 

 

 "Hello?"

 

"Charlie, hey it's Dean." He jumped at the voice, standing from his position leaned on the wall. He mustered everything in him not to sound as messed up as he felt.

 

"Figured." She snorted, "I barely left a few hours ago, what's up?" shuffling was on the other end. She sounded tired. Dean bit his lip, hard before answering.

 

"Listen, I know we don't know each other but I was wondering if I could ask for a favor?" He drew a numb feeling on his lip and looked at his foot lifted from the black square and kicking at the wall randomly. 

 

"Depends on what." She said, lightheartedly.

 

Dean blinked at nothing few times until he sighed, "I can't really sugarcoat this. It's Cas. He's hurt."

 

The shuffling stopped. "Oh my god! What happened?" She shrieked into the phone. Dean took the phone from his ear until the other end was quiet.

 

 

 

"Lilith. She got her dad involved and he came to my house a little after we fell asleep. They got into the house and took Cas while I was sleeping. Luckily I woke up and stopped it, or tried too, but he got hurt real bad." 

 

"Oh my god." She gasped. "But, how is he-"

 

"I know." Dean interrupted, "Partially Deceased don't feel pain, right? Yeah, I don't think Cas is Partially Deceased anymore." Dean looked up from his foot now on the ground, frowning for the hundredth time in the last few hours. 

 

He was tired, both mentally and physically. 

 

"What?"

 

"He was bleeding. Like red sticky blood. Puking piles of it too." 

 

"But, that's impossible." She sputtered. Dean could tell her had all her attention now.

 

"He said he could feel his heart beating again, and pain too so... I guess it's not?" His right side of his mouth curled in uncertainty. It was all so confusing to everyone. 

 

"I knew that kid was something special," She muttered under her breath and Dean himself scoffed. "You're telling me."

 

 

 

"I'm at the hospital with his mom right now, waiting for him to get out of surgery, but Sam is at home clueless of this all. I was wondering if you could just swing by and make sure he eats, you know get some painkillers, and drink some water? It's gonna be a bad hangover and he won't know what to do. I can't exactly be there right now."

 

 

Dean rubbed his eyes lightly, hands falling down to try and pinch away the headache from the bridge of his nose. "And I know this is a lot to ask you since we barely know each other but you're the only person I can ask. If anyone knew I let him drink as much alcohol he had last night i'd be in jail right now." Dean explained, licking his lips before wiping them pointlessly. Was this too much to ask her? It totally was. 

 

Almost a complete stranger, other than one (mostly drunken) night and a good chat about movies, they didn't know anything about each other and here Dean was asking her to babysit his fully grown brother. God, last night was such a mess. 

 

Dean waited in the beat of silence. Was she thinking of a way to shoot him down nicely? After all it was early in the morning, so she probably wants to sleep, not go babysit a stranger. And honestly, Dean wouldn't blame her if she said no. He wouldn't even be taken back either, he'd understand and figure something out.  

 

"Okay, yeah." Charlie suddenly said. 

 

Dean looked up, "Really?" He asked surprised. 

 

"Yeah. It's not a problem. I'm not doing anything today and Sam was a pretty cool guy." He could hear the smile in her voice. "Besides, if it was me in the situation, i'm sure you'd do the same right?"

 

Dean imagined the situation in his head, nodding. "Yeah, totally." He answered honestly. 

 

"That's good to know." She chuckled. "I'll head over now. Just keep me updated?" 

 

"Promise." Dean let out a sigh of relief. He'd owe her big time. "Oh, and the kid will want to come here despite how bad he feels so be prepared when he lies to you about how good he feels, I saw how much he had so don't let him come here. He needs to stay home and get some rest for his exams soon." Dean dropped his hands from fiddling with his face, letting his left hand stuff into his pocket. 

 

"Got it." Charlie chirped. He imagined her nodding her head dramatically similar to last night, and Sam would be pissed that Dean had someone come babysit.

 

"Tell him to call me if you have to but keep him there." He pushed, looking around to hear for her response. 

 

"Okay." She chuckled, "Goodbye, Dean-o."

 

"Wait,"

 

Charlie groaned loudly on the other end. "What?" She huffed, even though she didn't even sound remotely annoyed. 

 

He hesitated but said, "Thanks for doing this. I appreciate it a lot." Dean confessed. 

 

"Like I said, let me know if anything happens," She simply said before hanging up.

 

He took the dialing tone from his ears and clicked the home screen with the smallest of weights taken from his shoulders. He got one thing taken care of, at least. 

 

Dean made a mental note to get Charlie some kind of prize for his way of saying thanks. Maybe a pie or free pizza. She liked star wars so maybe he could give her something related.

 

Dean walked back to Jallie sitting in a chair with her legs bouncing and her hand was brought to her face. Man his knee was _really_ hurting now.

 

She looked up at him and watched his figure until he sat down next to her. "I'd think Sam was able to take care of himself by now." Jallie hiccuped,  trying to look calm, more settled down with her joke, but Dean saw through it.

 

"He is." He replied, turning his head away to look over the waiting room. There was now a teenage girl sitting across from them with a smile pointed down at her phone to big for her hands. On Dean's right there was an old man watching the tv and a few chairs beside him was an elderly couple with a middle aged girl talking. "But he's sick so a friend is going to drop some soup off and explain to him." 

 

Dean heard a clicking sound meaning she was biting her nails, she pulled her hand from her face, "Why couldn't you just call him and tell Sam yourself?" Jallie asked, wiping her mouth. 

 

"I'm sure he'll call but he needs to stay home and rest for now." Dean sighed. His thighs moved around and he lifted his head to anxiously look at the desk. He nodded his head in the direction, "Any word yet?" he swept his eyes from the young man with long hair at the desk answering the phone. 

 

"Should be any minute." She shook her head at the tv. Dean closed his mouth and turned away again. He didn’t even have it in him to complain about the chick flick movie playing. He just stared at a little corner on the flatscreen.  

 

+++++

 

Any minute turned into hours. Hours, upon hours have now passed. 

 

Sam called not long after the conversation with Charlie. He said she came and demanded him to stay in bed with the promised explanation of what was happening, and as he guessed, Sam had tried to come immediately but Charlie got Dean on the phone, who talked him out of it. He was still majorly pissed though. Puking his brains out but promised he'd be by as soon as he could. 

 

He had only agreed, "For now." He said to the two of them, but Dean knew he won to conversation. Dean secretly hoped he backed down because of how dazed Dean sounded, and felt. 

 

Dean was also on his sixth cup of coffee midway through the day, with a now casted knee and rejected pain killers. They'd just make him sleep. So he told them he had taken them, and ended up in a black cast. It throbbed and ached but Dean only stared into the little corner of the screen and dug his fingers in the chair till it eased every now and again. 

 

Metaphorically, he thinks it’s possible he’s lost a few pounds from how much his body was working. From nervously sweating, to his heart keeping up a beat similar to running and trying to stay up when his body was shutting down anytime he sat still, but he refused to sleep just yet. 

 

His eyes blinked at the tv trying to focus out of the blurry hooded eyes. 

 

Someone walked through the door and Dean's head snapped down at the shoes squeaking across the floor with blue scrubs.

 

 Nobody has walked through a different door in over an hour so of course when they heard the door open everyone watched intently until the woman came out with a blue cap over her head and a white mask fiddling in her hand. She looked filled with pity, nervousness and hidden fascination. He could tell by the way her eyes didn't meet the lines on her forehead. 

 

She stopped beside Jallie, who had also sat up in her chair. "Miss Novak?" She looked down at Jallie nodding her head and stood up. Dean quickly stood and followed them to the empty hallway he was previously in. He wasn't sure what news they'd get. 

 

"Castiel just made it out of surgery. It was successful and he is stable, for now." She looked between the two. It felt weird hearing his full name aloud. It'd been years since he heard it, besides Lilith that time at the bar. Anger filled his stomach at the sudden name, so Dean took a breath and focused on the nurse. 

 

Jallie sighed in relief, turning to look at Dean and then at the girl with her hands covering half her face. Dean put a comforting hand on her shoulder. 

 

"For now?" He squinted. Dean wanted to ask what will happen. What could happen. 

 

The lady sighed and a skilled sympathetic worry appeared on her face, "Well, it's a medical mystery, but as we all know Castiel has turned from Partially Deceased to very much human again. But as he did survive the surgery, it was just barely. He's very, very weak right now so doctor Stevens has him on close watch for symptoms of slipping into a coma." 

 

"What?" Jallie gasped. 

 

Dean sputtered, "A coma?" he swallowed nervously. Dean could feel his stomach anxiously curl up again, his mind started to race and he clenched his left hand into a fist. He didn’t dare let himself relax. 

 

"Yes. We're not fully sure but it is possible that there can be complications with how well he reacts to the medication. He was also hit very heavily in the head multiple times, it could be either that triggers it." She turned to Jallie with a single nod. "If you'd like to see him you can, one at a time." She stepped back for someone to follow her towards the elevator passed the waiting room they were previously in. Dean lightly squeezed Jallie's shoulder to tell her to go first. 

 She didn't bite. Jallie held the hand and passed him a sad frown before telling him she'll be back, walking with the doctor while Dean slid down the same wall he made the call with his hands balled in fists resting on his forehead. The nurse telling her more confidential information as they walked. 

 

He sat like that for a few seconds before he took the phone from his back pocket and shot off the same text to his brother and Charlie, just in case she wasn't there anymore.

 

Dean returned to his position trying to breathe normally. It was hard. He felt heavy, tired and scared. Dean wouldn't admit it, but he was frightened for the sake of his friend's life. Much more than he would show, because not everyone knew of the feelings he had hidden. 

 

  +++

Cas woke up, once. Groggy and confused but they had numbed most of his body so he wasn't in crushing pain when he first woke up. Nobody could make out what he was mumbling. 

 

+++

 

Cas was put into a regular room for a few days. Days turned into a week. A week turned into a week and a half, going on two. He still didn't wake up despite all the things the doctors tried. 

 

Ellen was furious with Dean not telling her soon enough, Bobby too, but had Jo send up some flowers anyways. Jo distracted him and brought her laptop to watch some classic movies till she had to go home for her shift. Charlie visited the next day, even if it was short. Sam sat next to Cas while he studied. 

 

+++

 

Dean's knee was healing, Sam was visiting and Jallie started working again. Jallie started hiring investigators to find Michael and Luke. Apparently they were hiding. 

 

+++

 

They moved Cas up a few floors.

The food still sucked and Dean didn't feel the spark when he walked into work anymore. He just wanted to sit down so he couldn't feel the nauseous feeling anymore. He still couldn't believe this was happening, that the house was empty again. When he wasn't at the hospital, he was constantly checking his phone for Jallie to call.

 

++++

 

Dean was back in the waiting room, waiting for his turn to see Cas. It was now three weeks passing, and Cas has been officially been put on the fifth floor; otherwise known as the _quiet floor_ with other patients put into comas, and _deep sleeping_ as the nurses tried to put it. Cas was officially a coma patient. 

 

Jallie had said when he first got out of surgery he had woken up once but he was really groggy and fell asleep after a few minutes of getting fed ice cubes, but when he fell asleep he had yet to wake up.

 

Dean heard the elevator beep and then the doors opened. Jallie stepped out in scrubs and a frightening deep frown pulling her lips down to her chin from her smile lines acting oppositely. Dean caught her eye and she walked towards him whilst he got up and brushed his thighs off. 

 

"Anything today?" He asked as soon as she was in front of him, blind hope coursing through his veins. Unrealistic, blind hope for good news, wishing they'd say he was okay, that he'd live. Normally this time, too. As a human again, with food, showers and normal human function like aiming high for the dream job he wants. 

 

Her head bowed to fix her pink scrubs, "I didn't get to see him very long today." she admitted, seeming cold. They both were now. They didn’t care how robotic they sounded anymore. It was finally catching up to them as the news got worse and worse.

 

Dean blinked. "Why?" He inquired. 

 

"They had to do a bunch of tests to do." She mumbled taking her forehead into her hands. Her hair was pulled from it's tamed style and put into a half and half style, the bottom frizzy and curled into weird strands resting on her shoulder. She let her roots grow out, dark brown edged out of the blonde color. 

 

He waited for her next response instead of asking the same questions. 

 

"He started to react to something they gave him, so they made me leave but I wouldn't go until they told me what they were doing to him," She looked up with sad eyes. The emotion never left her eyes since that day. "they said they had no idea." 

 

"How do they not know?" He half shouted and she shook her head mutely. "They're doctors they should know!" He pulled at his hair roughly. He was sick of hearing about the doctors not knowing what to do. All they ever saw was them shrugging their shoulders. 

 

"Nobody has turned human though either." Jallie said. 

 

Dean slid rough hands down his face, it was almost unpleasant how rough they were becoming. "That's good though, right? He's reacting."  

 

"Let's hope so." She said softly, it was the softest he'd seen her in a while. Jallie sighed and looked down at her watch. "I have to stay calm. I have a shift starting in-"

 

"You shouldn't be working." Dean interrupted sternly. Why couldn't she just relax? She usually didn't have to work this early.

 

She laughed bitterly, "Thoughtful of you Dean, but I really don't have a choice. Besides, it will be a good distraction while we wait." she exhaled, pulling on her hair tied up. "However, I just got done talking to doctor Stevens and Henriksen. His partner is now on the case."

 

"Yeah? What'd they say?" He couldn’t speak to them just yet. He was still hiding from them, just now with a black cast on his knee. He still hadn't answered further questions and he knew they were pissed at him. He stayed clear of them now. 

 

She looked up at him with dark, heavy bags under her eyes and pale skin under the lights. Her hair was constantly pulled back into styles that looked painful lately. She was gaining weight, probably from stress eating. Dean was the opposite. He could feel himself getting bonier because he just wasn't as hungry anymore. 

 

"Since Lilith is officially eighteen she has been charged-"

 

Dean interrupted, "What about Luke? And Michael? He's the one who stabbed him he should be in jail rotting away." He sneered in question. He could care less about Lilith anymore. Michael and Lucifer were the problem now. 

 

"Both in prison. Charged with murder degrees." She confirmed, and Dean stepped back nodding. "That's great." He breathed out in heavy relief. Dean swore if something didn't happen to Lucifer, and Michael, he would go after them himself, to which Jallie replied she would stop him before anything so despite his protesting, had hired investigators. 

 

"The doctors. What'd they say other than tests?" 

 

"He just keeps pushing to try to get something meaningful that could try to wake him up," She stopped, swallowing the rest of the water in he bottle, "said it's better we keep trying in the early stages before he gets further in, like serious matters further in."

 

"Meaningful like what?" Dean scratched the bug bite on his arm, keeping his head down but his eyes angled up at her. He hadn’t showered days and he could feel the grim on him. How disgusting. 

 

"Something as a reminder of what he loves." She shrugged, "Or in the doctor's words, anything to anchor him back." Jallie held up air quotes. "Any support can trigger him back." 

 

Immediately Dean was on it. Anything to try and get him back. Weird spiritual shit and all. 

 

  +++++++++

 

Dean had never noticed how talented his friend really was.

 

He made it to the house, now in a clean change of clothes, a talk with Charlie and Sam later, now sitting in Cas' room. Right smack in the middle of his room surrounded with breathtaking photography his best friend took over the years.

Years that have turned blurry plain pictures into the sunset on a hot day with the sun the main focus without blinding someone by looking into it, or the rare cloudy days by the river flow, and the city lit up at night. His favorite was at a concert, he was in the dark but managed to get the camera to catch the lights in a pleasing way. 

 

It calmed his nerves just the slightest to look at, but then reality of why he was there had busted through the walls in his mind. The peace would leave immedately and left Dean cold, frozen in the icy truth. 

 

His mind racked and racked the whole time he paced around the room. What would help him wake up? He wouldn't be able to see a picture of his if he's asleep, or a special item so he finally concluded that it would have to be something he could hold, or at least listen too. 

 

Maybe Cas had some tapes of them when they were younger stashed somewhere in his room. That had to be a good idea since the guy loved to save memories. Dean knew they had to be somewhere. 

 

Dean stood from the pile of pictures after he had stacked them just like they were, mumbling to himself over the crippling thoughts he constantly had running through his brain. Most were hopeless, crucial what if's while some were thoughts that made his heart feel like it was sinking to his stomach with the tragic imagine of losing his life, again.

 

 

Dean was slowly getting convinced that he was. 

 

He tried to keep that one out though, replacing the thought with semi positives that Cas would survive, even if he couldn't walk or was damaged the rest of his life because at least he'd be alive. 

 

It was like losing a brother. Dean imagines he’d feel just the same if not more if that were Sam. Although, it’s weird to compare those considering Dean wants to kiss Cas' face off when he woke up, so, maybe not brotherly. _When_. Dean surprises himself when he realizes how he was thinking now. It was almost hopeful. 

 

His body turned from the bookshelf, looking to the right at the closet with a chipping ninja turtle. Maybe something he could use would be in there? 

 

Dean opened the closet door and walked in, yanking the rope to the light on the tall ceiling until he could finally see all of his shirts hanging across from him. His pants were on the left while shoes, more books and some boxes were aligned neatly on different shelves starting from the bottom. 

 

Immediately his eyes went to the labeled boxes on the top. 

 

He scanned the top shelf where there were new boxes along the small shelf. The one in the back was labeled more books of course, the second was his movies, the third seemed to be of family and the final fourth one in front of him was labeled _'Dean and Cas.'_

 

Curiously, Dean pulled the last one down and set the box on the floor beside the newly made bed. He opened the top of the lid but he didn't look at it till he was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed. 

 

The first thing Dean saw was a letter inside an envelope. 

 

 He looked down at the letter, and he would've smiled if it weren't for the circumstances. Cas had kept his letter from his vacation to Washington. 

 

Dean's dad had to travel for his job for some reason he couldn't remember because he was so little, but his dad got hurt and needed an emergency surgery so they ended up staying for weeks while he healed. 

 

He had no way to call Cas and cancel their plans to see the new movie that came out, so his dad suggested a letter. But that was years ago, talking thirteen years old here. Even he didn't have his with him anymore. Hell, he barely remembers what they had said. 

 

Dean put the small letter aside and looked at the next thing, pictures.

 

Embarrassing, missing teeth and cheesy smiles with messy hair and short stubby bodies, pictures.

 

The first he pulled away from the stack was from five years ago at Dean's grandmother's house where they hosted a big Christmas party with Sam photo bombing with a piece sign in the back. The second was from the same year but on Dean's birthday party with silly hats and cake smeared on his face. 

 

It wasn't them together but Cas had taken the photo of the brothers open mouth smiling with their arms in the air. He remembered Cas telling the two of them to say hooray and they certainly did.

 

 Dean turned the photo where a pen with messy handwriting on the white photo that read 'Dean's 18th b-day party' he wrote a small detail about the pie and then the bottom read 'Taken by Cas.' 

 

Dean couldn’t help but let out a snort at the third picture from first grade where they were hugging in their school uniforms. 

 

It had been the boy’s first day and he remembered having to smile through many pictures so by the sixth one, Dean didn't open his mouth when he smiled but Cas did with his front teeth missing and eyes closed from the bright sun. Dean's batman backpack on both shoulders and Cas' sponge bob backpack hanging from his left. 

 

The next photo was of Sam as a toddler. Cas was holding Sam with a nervous smile while Dean was blurry from laughing. Cas was eating when Dean snuck up with his mom and camera, quickly putting Sam in his hands and told him to smile.

 

There was so many more too, all from different years and different occasions but he gathered the stack and set them in the corner of the box. Dean didn't know what he expected or what he thought he was going to see, but when he saw his name on a letter written in 2012, he paled and was hesitant to pick it up. It was the year everything went down. 

 

Dean's watched skinny trembling fingers pick the letter from the box in his right hand and looking down at another addressed to him on the same day. It didn't have an address, all it had was his name in Cas's messy handwriting on both. He set the second letter down, and found a small stack of paper. 

 

He flipped through them. Some were half written and some were exasperatedly scribbled on the rest of the words, until he found the last one with a single ' _Dear Dean, I am sorry,’_ that was it. The only thing on the entire paper besides a cut off sentence underneath. 

 

He couldn't make out the next one he read so he moved to the third. 

 

Dean put the letter aside and concluded that all the unfinished ones all started the same. He figured the letter in an envelope was probably the ones finished.

 

He let his body lean to the side and rest on the bed. Dean brought his trembling hands up to rest on his knee as he read. The letter starting out the same as the others, except this time it was a blue pen and he actually tried with his handwriting in neat, slightly cursive sentences down the page. 

 

_'Dear Dean,'_ He read again, curiously getting back into the letter. 

 

Instantly he knew the letter was different. It didn't sound like Cas at all; drunk or not, he would probably never even suspect if he was on crack, but it was. It had to have been from the names only the three boys knew.

 

Dean went from leaning back onto the bed to now on his knees and lips furiously reading the letter under his breath as he read the letter faster than usual but he was in shock. 

 

When he was done, he sat back with a physical sink of his body.

 

He knew this. He knew how Cas felt from previous slips or confessions, but he never told Dean the full story. 

 

Cas wrote to him about everything. From Gabriel to his family and the lies that were full of effort to keep from everyone, to them. Obviously he knew what went on between them, but Dean never knew how much it meant to Cas, how serious it had been. How it was more than just a crush on both ends.

 

The only question, shocked and confused, the only thing his mind could muster up; The question, "What?" He didn't know why he was whispering in the first place but his voice suddenly came out small, and undertone. 

 

The browning letter, and he figured out it was brown from previous attempts to light it on fire, was loosely in his hands and Dean had to read the six paper letter once more, and then a third time and he was in the middle of the fourth time before his butt vibrated. 

 

Well, his butt didn't actually vibrate but his phone in his back pocket did. 

 

Dean dropped the letter in disbelief, pulling his arm behind him back to retrieve the buzzing device. 

 

"Hello?" He answered, not bothering to look at the name on his screen. Instead his eyes were on the letter on the floor in front of him just sitting there, blowing under the air conditioning and showing see through handwriting from the light coming from a nearby window. 

 

"Hey, Dean." He heard Jallie's voice on the other end. "I was just calling to ask if you were still at my house?" 

 

Dean nodded his head, forgetting that she couldn't see him. "Uh, Yeah." He answered the impatient question from her. 

 

She sighed in what Dean hoped was relief. "Good." She said to Dean's liking. "I need you to grab something from my room if you don't mind." 

 

"Course not. What do you need?" 

 

"In my room there's a bag on my dresser. I need you to bring me the bag as quick as possible. It has all my supplies for work, and since I wasn't fully prepared I didn't bring it with me." She hurriedly said. "My boss is coming soon and I haven't been able to get to work yet." 

 

While she was talking Dean wrapped the letter again and carefully stuffed it into his back left pocket where it left a square in the oval shaped seam. The box was closed and put away into it's usual place, only missing a few things from it's usual stash.

 

"Sure thing." Dean replied tightly. He still hadn't found anything for Cas yet, and Dean was getting flustered from the significant words repeating in his mind. They were small words like the love for green just because of certain pair of eyes, or content feeling more than Peanut butter honey toast could bring him.

 

It was... strange. 

 

So to say the least, Dean was shocked. Happy, and relieved but shocked to an extent he didn't even know existed. He just read all of Cas’ thoughts for years worth, as if it was some book. 

 

"Thanks." She mumbled, "I'll see you in a few minutes then?" her voice was hopeful like she was relying on him heavily. Which she was.

 

"Yeah." Dean comforted. "See you in a few." He stated and took the phone from his ear, clicking the button and then sliding the phone back to it's place in his pocket where it was still warm from where it previously was.

 

Dean grabbed Cas' camera, a single book with his trademark bookmark sticking from the top, and a small glass sculpture of a penguin he made at their camp when they were ten from his nightstand. He closed the door quietly and shifted the items in his hands so he'd be able to open the door. 

 

Once he opened the door he looked around the room until his eyes landed on a baby pink purse as said and quickly grabbed the handles. It easily slid from the shiny brown wood and fell into his hold so with that, he turned and walked to his car and opened the door. 

 

He set the items in the passenger seat then started the car, turning the music off as he passed the house. He looked over at the items. He thinks it might work, such meaningful objects ranging from many memorable things. 

 

He doesn’t scowl his way to the hospital and despite being bitter and has zero to no faith, he sends a small prayer for the sake of his family smiling. 

 

He hasn’t seen Jallie or Sam’s smile in what felt like forever.


	10. Room 43, the ending - 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Jallie keep trying to get Cas to wake up, but nothing works. That is, until the most surprising thing actually does work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick disclaimer: letting you know that i know literally nothing about the medical stuff. I did some research but just incase it's wrong, don't hesitate to point something out if it's incorrect but i tried lol 
> 
> ALSO, sequel will be up within the few days!!! It'll explain some things in the letter and Cas' current health and basically their lives afterwards! All my thanks will be in there ((:
> 
> Edit: I'm sorry this took all night to upload, i had it ready a few hours ago until i started editing the bottom half and my computer crashed /: it took me a while to remember what to put back in so it's not as great as i would've liked but my luck just keeps running low with this computer. But big thanks to those who have read, commented or gave kudos, i appreciate it a TON <3 <3

None of the stuff works. 

On the first night, Jallie put the camera in his hands. Nothing happened. She tried his favorite book that nobody but Dean knew made him tear up. He didn't flinch.

 

The second night, Dean held the penguin in Cas' palm. It made his temperature change but other than that, nothing happened. 

 

The third morning, the doctor predicted that Cas' chances of brain functionality was low. Dean couldn't be there that day. He was stuck at work.

 

On the fourth day, Jallie held Cas' hand while Dean setup the small movie that would play their trip to disneyland straight after graduating. Cas didn't respond, but Dean stared at the paused video of Cas smiling at the camera with big mickey mouse ears headband on his messy hair. Even after Jallie fell asleep, he stared for almost an hour. 

 

The fifth day they didn't bring anything in since the doctor had suggested they started talking about possibilities and what if's to do. 

+++

 

"Come on, Cas." Dean whispered lowly. His voice breathy, quiet and in Jallie's words, full of melancholy. His eyes roamed over the pale limp body with beeping machines in each ear, the room bright unlike his sulking mood. "It's been almost been four months man." He added, frowning.

It was now his sixth night in this uncomfortable chair next to his sleeping friend since he's been home, and Dean probably couldn't even remember the last time he had ate real food beside hospital soup to quiet his stomach or some microwaveable chicken nuggets. He wouldn't even eat the brownie anymore, and it was always his favorite. 

But the worst that could come was the constant mystery; the next morning waking up to repeat the same day of just sitting there for hours on end. The bathroom trips quick and then he was rushing back to sit in a small chair that may or may have not fixed some of his posture by now, same for food or showering.

By now Dean had outgrown hair that he sweeps from his eyes, and a badly shaven face. He looks horrible. All he wears is jeans comfortable enough to sit in till laundry was done and then he was back to sweats and socks. He figured why bother with shoes when all he would do was sitting there, so if he does leave then he wore simple nike shoes to the hallways.

Obviously he does leave at some points of his life. Mainly because he still needed to work, even though Bobby has cut down his hours, which is tight for them but they make it by, and to spend what little time he can with Sam before he's busy again. 

Sam has been studying nonstop ever since. Dean suspects it was his way of 'dealing' like how Jallie has picked up intense hours at the hospital all while Dean sits in a chair doing random things like watching tv or playing on his computer as long as he's in the same room as Cas.

And when Dean wasn't with Cas he went to work, came home and spent a few with his little brother before it was back to the hospital in exactly room 43 on the fifth floor.

Dean sat up in the chair as soon as he felt his butt starting to get numb for the third time within the hour. He rubbed his face and looked around the white room with a white door and clean (you guessed it) white board. Basically everything in the room was a pasty white except for a few machines and the tv, Dean too of course.

"Charlie came last night. I don't know if you heard but it was really late at night." Dean chuckled sadly, looking down at his sudden bony hands. "She thought I was asleep," he shook his head slowly. "I wasn't though." Dean mutely shrugged at nobody in particular. Why was he saying this? Cas probably heard everything she said last night. 

Dean sighed after a few minutes of listening to Cas' blank breathing machine. In, out and then a spraying noise. In, out and so on and on again.

It gets frustrating. But there's not much Dean can do anymore.

"Sam can't make it tonight. Again." Dean looked at the blue and purple bruises along Cas' forehead, the swollen skin around his left eye and then the ones on his cheek, arm and some on his collar bone. He was healing extremely slow. Another bad sign. 

_“Talk to him. Tell him a joke, it'll help hearing a familiar voice.”_

"Hey remember that time we.." Dean trailed off tiredly. A knock interrupted him so his body turned to look over his shoulder where Hannah, Cas' nurse had smiled at him.

"Evening." She closed the door with her foot and sanitizing her hands until she dropped her hands to her sides when she was next to Cas. Hannah crouched over Cas and looked at the machines one by one. "How are you today, Dean?" She asked looking up from fixing something on one of the machines.

Dean cleared his throat, staring at nothing really. "The usual I guess." He answered truthfully. Hannah nodded respectively rather than sending him an unamused frown like the previous times she asked and he bluntly lied to her.

"How is he today?" Dean stretched his arms above his head.

She did a few things, fixing his breathing tube before she answered, sighing. "He's not too well this evening." Hannah shook her head. The brunette looked down at her watch and straightened her purple scrubs. "I'll be back in an hour." She smiled kindly, because he asked her to stop with the pitiful looks and i’m sorrys.

Dean acknowledged with a hand in the air as somewhat of a wave goodbye.

The door closed to their privacy and Dean faced the boy again. His fingers fiddled with what felt like the hundredth item he has tried to put in Cas' hands to bring him back. So far he's tried his camera, his books, projects he has done, or his aunt's hands and Dean's face. They've even tried his favorite music and the smell of his favorite candle, but nothing has worked so far.

"You recognize this?" Dean asked, rolling the bracelet in the cold hands. The breathing didn't miss a beat and neither did his hands that stayed unresponsive, plopping back onto the bed as soon as his hand had let go. "It's the bracelet your brother made for you." He tried.

His eyebrows rose in hope. Dean picked up the hand once more, sliding the beads on his fingers and palm. "Gabe. You remember him, right?" Dean cooed softly. "I think he was five when he made this for your birthday." The colorful beads clinked against one another when he swooped them around his hands.

Anything.

 _Anything_ at all would be helpful, Dean pondered. Eyes glued on his hands and every few seconds shifting to his toes for something to twitch. Any sign at all that he was there listening; trying to wake up.

Nothing happened so Dean dropped himself into the seat beside the bed with beads ranging from blue to pink and green, red and orange until they stopped on each side of three white squares that spelled 'Cas.'

The frustrating defeated mood turned into a sad ache in his chest.

Was Cas ever going to come back? Did Cas not want this? Could he hear him? Feel him trying?

The words echoed in his brain, over and over like a song on repeat. He just wanted to scream at someone to change the damn station already.

_"Cas, it seems to me that you didn't even try to save yourself."_

_“Because I didn’t, Dean!”_

_“I felt relief when I realized I was dying.”_

Dean frowned. Deep, with a similar feeling of an imaginary train in the stuffy hospital room catching up to his running of blind hope.

Dean wished Cas could see how hard Dean was holding on. How hard he was fighting with everyone that was starting to slowly lose faith. Dean wished Cas could see how much this was hitting him this time. Maybe then he would come back and fight it.

It was sad to say, but sometimes he felt as if he was the only one still holding hope. Not that Jallie wasn't, but she was starting to visit less and less, filling her work schedule as an excuse, and Charlie was getting busier, better. Like she accepted he'd be gone soon.

Sam visited at least. Only for ten minutes and then he suddenly had to go, but at least he was wishing him better instead of saying sappy goodbye's like others did. It was very stressful for him. It made him angry. Trying to prove to everyone when he was starting to question his own words.

His eyes darted to the clock on the tv playing a show he found himself slowly getting into. The show starred almost everyday on varies of different channels with at least a few episodes in a row; something about cowboy boots and lots of unrealistic hospital drama that passed some time.

"It's midnight." He stated with a yawn interrupting. "I should probably try and sleep like you." Dean joked, or at least tried to, his voice didn't move from it's low pitch and the smile faded as quickly as it spread on his cheeks.

"Night, Cas." He mumbled into his crossed arms and stretched feet.

Cas' heart monitor beeped in a repeating rhythm. The breathing tubes and other monitors beeped in sync that put Dean into another dreamless night of uncomfortable sleep that would most likely be woken from in just a few short hours, and then he'd stay up and get coffee.

And it’d go round and round.

-

The next day, Sam talked to Cas for exactly 7 minutes before he had those sad lines and he told Dean he had to go. He asked him to come home, Dean said he couldn’t promise anything and that he was sorry.

He didn’t go home that night.

Instead he stayed. He talked to Cas some more and begged the nurse to bring him Cas’ favorite movie. The two watched in silence.

-

A few days passed. Dean stayed home and almost lost his job.

Sam finally smiled again for once. It was because of Jess, and Dean knew she was a keeper. Dean himself was close to a smile.

He had some pizza and talked to Sam, even about schoolwork, because hell, he knew it wouldn’t be there forever.

-

When he came back to the hospital it was because he finally did lose his job. Bobby didn't want to, but Dean was getting real lazy so he wasn't mad. He understood, because if he was his boss, he'd fire himself too. 

Sam tried not to be disappointed, and Dean promised they’d be okay. They have saved money until he could go job hunting.

That night Dean brought in a sweater for Cas to feel. Maybe it’d be comforting and familiar to anchor him back.

It didn’t, so Dean tried gifts he got from his parents despite his disliking towards them.

-

He called Cas, Castiel to get something out of him.

It was about to hit the five month mark and everyone was getting better.

Cas didn’t even flinch and Dean’s face became emotionless. He didn’t know what to do anymore because Jallie had set up a time to talk about the lifeline plans.

-

Cas’ heart rate skipped a beat today. The doctors say it might be a sign of progress.

Dean decides to stay another night. He has a few more ideas on what to bring and stupid things to try from the internet. But it’s the only thing that lets him sleep without a nightmare from the car, and the day Cas turned. 

-

A few hours after Dean falls asleep, he wakes up to loud shuffling things and then the door closed quietly. He opened his eyes to instantly get blinded by the open blinds, followed by a grunt and shift of his body to untangle his limbs that somehow managed to move into cramping positions.

"Morning Cas." Dean mumbled.

What time is it? He asks himself, running a hand through his hair. It was getting long now almost past his forehead where it usually sat messily pushed to the side or ruffled away unattractively.

"Noon." He read the numbers on his phone to his friend next to him, who hadn't moved an inch since he last saw him. Because he never does.

The machine beeping loudly had lingered a little longer and then set back into place. It just became a habit to hear.

Dean finally peeked through his eyelashes, rubbing his other eye that closed after a quick run through of the same room. It’s always the same.

His feet pad onto the floor as soon as he dropped them. His back cracking along his shoulder blades when he pushed his shoulders out.

That's late even for me, he thinks. Dean stands from the seat and turned to throw the phone onto the chair, landing with the click and then a blank screen. "I should probably take a shower." He burped, rubbing his stomach lightly.

As expected, Dean didn't get a response so he moved to the corner of the room. He picked up one of the bags he kept with clothes involving jeans and a leather jacket. "I have to find work today so i'll be out for a few later." He unzipped the bag pulling the exact items he wanted.

Dean sniffed the jeans and decided they were fine to wear once more. He knew the shirt was already clean so Dean took his items and locked himself into Cas' small bathroom. The soap he lamely already had in there was quick access and he was out shortly.

The jeans slipped on a little loose and the shirt fit better around the portions it used to tightly hug onto, the jacket remained the same slightly baggy and collar left untouched similar to his boots.

He told Cas he was getting some breakfast which, turned into stealing a book from an empty table where he read half the book with his lunch.

 

Dean opened the door with the stolen book in his hands a few hours later. "Sorry, I got caught up." He walked to 'his chair' plopping down into it with the book set next to Cas on his bed. He got beeping from his monitor as response which made Dean nod like it was a normal thing. How sad.

His mouth parted, breathing in but not quite exhaling when he hesitated to tell Cas he had run into his doctor. It wasn't a pretty discussion.

_“Try to stay light and give off positive vibes. Tell some jokes. Let him know what you're doing that particular day. Sometimes it surprises you what can work, so stay open to anything. Just keep trying.”_

It quickly clamped shut though, instead replying, "I don't normally read but this looked interesting," he tapped the book wiggling in his hand. "It's sort of a love triangle with twins and some girl that can't seem to choose which twin she wants to marry by the end of summer." Dean shrugged. It kept him interested for a while so he kept reading even if he got bored.

He hummed lowly, "It kind of reminded me of you and your cousin James and that girl Amelia he likes, but she liked you instead." He pooched his lips. "Except the girl's name is Meg in this so." He strung along. 

Dean reopened the book where he had folded the page and read the first two sentences.

A minute later he dropped the book.

He chewed on his bottom lip while he blinked continuously at the blue curls on his friends head, dipping his hand into his pocket to slowly reveal a tan piece of paper that used to be white, the edges ripped and crumpled into a wiggly shape. He totally forgot about this, Dean thinks, feeling his heart speed up at the small murmurs he imagines Cas would say aloud, not in some messy handwriting. 

The paper crinkled aloud in the quiet room. Even the tv wasn't on right now. Dean could hear his own breathing as if it was as loud as the heart machine. 

Green eyes met one word at one end of the paper sliding to the other with periods, commas, names and effort written in between the line it created by itself within the few years of carefree handling.

Dean drew in a silent breath. What did he say? That he snooped in his private stuff and took a personal secret he purposely kept and said in the letter?

It was merely minutes passing by slowly, achingly, before he made another move, trapped inside his thoughts contiguously working out the pros and cons, the bad and the good of his decisions he wished didn't have to be true.

The small hopeless feeling in his chest building up high into something much stronger, guiltier, sadder and overall much worse.

Dean didn’t know if he could keep doing this.

He was ashamed to admit it, but the constant rejection he feels everytime he walks in here and sees the same blank face, stuffed with a tube, was too much. The machines talking back to him instead of his friend.

Dean swiped his tongue out in a slow motion to rub in the dampness on his dry lips. "Alright, listen up Cas." He said seriously. "I found something I know you thought was one of the worst possible things that could happen aside from running out of peanut butter honey toast," He lifted the pages to quote his friends words. He couldn’t even smile at the love he had for the stupid combination. "but I found it by accident." He wasn't even thinking. Dean was just blurting stuff out now.

The silence seemed awkward now. And talking to yourself for hours is awkward, but this just seemed different. "I found the letter." He swallowed nervously.

_“Sometimes it surprises you what can work. Keep trying. Anything is possible.”_

_“Anything?” Dean said, doubtfully._

_Doctor Stevens nodded, smiling up at him. “Anything. I once had a patient where a girl got so angry she woke up.”_

_Dean cringed, but racked his brain to see if anything could set Cas off._

Nothing ever did though.

His heart rate spiked. Dean really, really hoped he was listening or this would be plain humiliating.

"I know everything now. I know what you meant when you said you weren't okay anymore. I know what you meant when you couldn’t talk about Gabe and what happened. Or the messed up crap that went on behind closed doors at the Novak’s. Why you hated Christmas.“ He almost told Cas his dad was a huge douchebag for letting the affair go on with his own wife and brother, acting like nothing happened. He didn't though. 

His head snapped downwards when he felt warm tears whelm, shaking his head and swallowing the lump; even though it stayed in place with a wobbly lip. Dean couldn’t believe what he was about to say. Talk about world’s worst best friend.

"I would give anything not to say this to you, man. I would... but you can," His eyes scanned over the beaten body, then again and the third he stopped on his closed eyes. The words shocked himself. It was the complete opposite of what he was going to say. He wanted to beg Cas not to leave. To fight. To stay. 

"I know you thought it was pointless to come back so why wouldn’t this be your chance, right?“ Dean hated every word coming from him. Why couldn't he stop himself? It was like word vomit. Painful, unstoppable word vomit. 

Dean suddenly felt so weird talking to an empty space. For all he knew, the last couple of months he was in denial could've been the worst for Cas.

Trapped in his body without being able to say anything; his body being forced to stay alive when he was already gone. "You can go without having to come back now. None of us would be mad either.“

The machines remained steady. 

"I just want you to know, in the letter, you asked as if in a million years i found it, it if i felt the same.“ He whispered, but it didn't feel enough so Dean got up from the chair. ”And you know what? Me too.“ He scowled. Anger rising so he couldn't cry. He was just so _angry_. With himself. With Michael. Lucifer. 

The chair scooted back loudly and he stood tall with crumpled pieces of paper in his hand. He gently took the limp hands and held his against Cas's hands that grazed over the edges of the paper and finally stopped over the letters that popped out enough to read with one's fingers like Dean did many times.

Dean didn’t believe it would work. He knew it wouldn’t anchor him back, but Dean hoped he at least felt the rough paper on his fingertips.

He exhaled roughly, shakily with trembling hands once again, their hands interlinked over the letter he came up close to Cas' face and with his other hand running down his broken face one last time. It was gentle. Everything Dean wasn’t.

He held his breath and lowered his mouth near his ear.

"Me too." He murmured. It was oddly tender finally getting to say it now. All the built up pining, feelings unknown and shut down harshly were now openly out in the air. Refreshing for a split second when he wasn't thinking about what was happening. 

It wasn’t some big fancy thing like Dean pictured but simple, small and knowingly. It’s what Cas would’ve liked. The smallest of ways made him happy, it was odd.

"You go now, Cas." Dean croaked, it sounded like he was choking, exactly how he felt, but when he heard his foreign words come out he sounded braver than expected. “For real.”

Dean folded the paper and brought it up to Cas' chest with his hands holding it in a way, lowering down a final time to give a lingering kiss on the forehead because it would be the last and only affectionate thing he could do for someone he truly and wholly loved, and always will. 

He had to finally accept it.

Tears dropped on his hands, the bed and on the boy in front of him. One last stroke on the cheek and Dean left room 43 on the fifth floor without looking back, because he knew it would be too painful.

Dean’s already pressing the button for the elevator when Cas’ hand twitches. Nobody saw it though. 

++++++++++

 

Dean heard his phone ringing a few days later. It had to have been around one-thirty in the morning, but he knew what the news was about so he ignored the first two rounds of calls, sipping away the sadness aching through his chest, and his eyes itching with dried up tears he ignored.

Nobody had seen him in days. He felt like a vampire for hissing at Sam every time he came in his room. Dean didn’t tell Sam what happened, so he doesn’t know. He had a right to be worried.

Everytime he tried to talk about it. What he had said, he was ashamed. Sad. Angry. What kind of friend gives up? 

And god, all Dean could think about was the last time. There'd be tears, screaming. They'd have to plan a funeral again. Dean doesn't understand how the second time could be worse. I mean, he went through this one time, how was it so much worse the second? It'd change again. He'd be by himself other than Sam. He wouldn't have the same smile.

By the fifth call he finally picked up the phone. He didn't say hello, he didn't cut her off with any 'i knows' but simply waited for the wailing to begin.

The line was quiet for a few seconds before she must have realized the call went through.

"Dean!" Jallie gasped. She was crying and Dean felt like mirroring her. He'd known the woman since he could have any memories, all with her in them. Those nights she took the boys in. Told them she'd be there for them. It made him frown to hear her cry. She never cried. 

He could sense the words coming from her mouth, that he was truly gone. His body waiting for the final realization that proved to be true. "Dean!" She cried again, wailing loudly into the phone, gasping unattractively every few seconds with loud sobs.

He bowed his head when his throat felt funny and his sinuses burned with new tears coming. He held the tears in though.

"He-" She cut herself off with crying again while Dean's heart plummeted. "He's awake!" She cried loudly into the phone.

There was a moment of silence. A

_long_

moment of silence passed. 

"Dean?" She called. There was shuffling on the other line and Dean realized he still hadn't said anything.

"What?"

"Yeah!" She quickly cut off as if she knew what he was going to say, barely letting Dean even get his single word of shock from his mouth.

Jallie sniffled and let out two sobs before adding, "He's getting checked out right now bu-but he'll be okay!" She cried some more; possibly getting louder and louder. "He's okay." 

Dean sat there without a word for possibly minutes on end and a crying Jallie on the other line.

Cas was alive? Cas was alive. Cas. Is. Alive. Cas-

He cut his thoughts off, with a new set of questions.

Had he heard him? Did Cas hear everything he said? Was it the letter? Now he knows, and Dean knows too.

It’s probably the happiest Dean has ever felt in awhile. 

"I have to tell the others but hurry over!" She yelled in delight and then ended the call quickly. He’d never heard such a mellow woman screech in happiness. She was always so calm.

Dean stood from the run down couch in their house where Sam was having a sleepover with his books upstairs. His body felt like jelly and at first all he could do was stand there with shaky legs and goggled thoughts; wide eyes and parted lips breathing complete and utter shock.

And then it all happened at once.

He then understood the out of body experience where suddenly his body moved on it's own. His mouth called his brother twice and hurried him down the stairs.

They were both running to the car and before he realized what he was doing; where he was, he was out of breath with his keys digging into his palm and shoving people from his way. Somewhere between all of that he had lost his brother and his jacket hanging from his elbows.

"Cas." He breathed in the hallway. A smile is so foreign, but he does it anyways.

Ridiculous blue curls moved silently falling to the sides and the battered, colored face shown with the smallest of smiles to make Dean sit in the same chair he had been for the past months, for the first time with a smile himself.

"Hey." Cas said underneath the oxygen mask.

They stared at each other wordlessly. Dean ran his eyes over Cas' body with purples, yellows and blues covering his skin that was now a human skin color. His lips were bright pink now compared to the black hue they were previously, and his eyes popped intensely in a way the contacts didn't.

Less machines beeped wildly than before since he now had more control over his body.

Jallie, who was holding his hand had gotten up from the chair and fiddled with the blanket on him. "I'll give you guys some privacy." She said turning to Dean with a smile he hadn't seen since Cas came home.

Cas didn't say anything but Dean stepped to the side with a single nod.

The door closed and Dean felt his nerves spike from the fact that they were alone, a different type of alone. They both knew each others secret now, they both knew it was no longer platonic friendship between them. It was much more now.

Dean motioned to the hospital bed he slept beside just the previous night where the letter was now gone, "You gave me a heart attack. How are you feeling?" he asked, gently but seriously pointing out the truth.

He couldn’t take his eyes off of him, it had been so long since he’s seen this human in front of him.

Cas removed the oxygen mask to reveal the lower half of his face, nodding he replied, "I'm feeling okay for somebody waking up from a coma." He shrugged lightly.

The motion moved his upper body and the man hissed under his breath in obvious pain.

Choosing todisregard the sarcasm he asked, "What'd they say?" his brows lifted while his toes wiggled nervously under his boots he accidentally tied too tight.

"I had a broken nose, collar bone, hairline fracture in my jaw and a concussion. My spine moved from when he pulled the knife out so they're making me do stuff for that when I heal and as for my stomach," he gestured to his stomach with a shrug. "it's all messed up. That's all I heard."

Dean made a face, grimacing in pain for his friend. "No doubt they gave you the good stuff." He said, and Cas snorted, pulling his head back to reveal his neck with a laugh.

All Dean could feel was the adrenaline pumping excitedly.

"Yes, they did." He responded. Dean closely peered at the man next to him.

It felt so weird now. Instead of sitting here talking to someone he knew wasn't going to wake up was suddenly awake again and though it felt amazing. 

"You look like crap." Cas wheezed out after a little bit, and Dean shook from his mind and sat back in the chair with a fake offended huff.

Dean laughed, breathily. "Same to you, buddy."

Cas moved in attempt to sit up but Dean stopped him forcing him back down. He coughed once more before his hand uncurled and rested on both sides of him.

The doctor came back after that. Jallie came back in to talk with him, and after that Dean had went into the hallway to tell some others that he was awake. Sam went in to see Cas. 

Dean thankfully got ahold of everyone on the first few tries. Ellen, Bobby and Jo would be able to come in the morning. Charlie and Gilda were on their way, and Kevin was next up after Sam. Ruby said she'd come within the next few days, and even Meg said she'd stop by.

 

When Kevin left, Charlie and Gilda arrived before Dean could go back in. They accidently woke Cas up, but he didn't mind as they cheered him up with the latest book talk. Gilda offered to lend Cas Charlie's Harry Potter books, and Charlie hadn't minded. They hung out for a few minutes before the girls left with promises to come back with the books soon. 

+++

True to their word, Ellen and Bobby came with Jo the following morning. Bobby told Cas to stop getting hurt and everyone chuckled. They all brought gifts, too. Dean wondered if this was how everyone acted after a coma, like it was his birthday or something.

Ellen brought flowers and cleaned the room a little bit. Bobby offered free burgers during his recovery and Jo bought Cas a few movies to watch while he "gets to lounge around during recovery." 

 

Ruby visited. She yelled at Cas the entire time and told him to call her up when he's able to walk so she can hit him, all while smiling of course. Meg didn't visit though. She called instead, Cas didn't mind either, he told her he was happy for the consideration since they didn't know each other well. 

++++

Everything was going great though, except for one night, tonight. 

Since everyone had been coming into Cas' room, they stayed for hours until someone new came and then he eventually fell asleep from being overwhelmed, so Dean didn't talk to him much. He just stayed while he slept, kept his mouth shut and watched the guy sleep. Nobody had to know that though. 

Tonight was one of those nights. Charlie and Gilda had came by with those books. It ended up with a twenty minute debate while Cas ate his food and piped Dean in every time both Gilda and Charlie went against him. He was exhausted with a small headache so he told Dean to eat while he got some rest. 

Dean could finally control himself. He was still smiling like a madman, but he stopped with the small touches, the thankful insults and holding his hand every time he went to sleep in fear he'll slip back. He was also slipping back to his old self; his overthinking self. 

He was taking the last bite of his burger when Cas finally woke up with one last snore. It was loud, unattractive and it made Dean smile. 

"Hey, sleepyhead." Dean said.

Cas blinked sleepily, rubbing his eye and looked around until he turned his head. "Hello, Dean. What are you still doing here?" 

"What's it look like?" Dean pointed to the bag he threw the remains of his trash in. "I'm eating." _Just like you said._ He didn't say it outloud. 

"You didn't have to stay." Cas gave him the tilted head and squinty eyes.

Dean shrugged turning of the tv. He pointedly directed the conversation to a lighter tone, and Cas took the bait. The two finally caught up.

Cas laughed quietly, he nodded his head with a gummy smile almost an hour later. It was night and one of the nurses fell asleep so he didn't get kicked out from visiting hours yet. "And then you ended up throwing up all those candy straw sticks." Cas finished. 

Dean looked up, confused, "Yeah. How'd you know?" he asked. Because Cas hadn't been at Jo's party. He was sick that day.

"Oh, uh she told me, when she visited."

He nodded. "She was in here for five minutes and she managed to tell you that?" He huffed. How did Jo manage to tell the most embarrassing story about Dean's stubbornness in that short of time? He hadn't left them for long. 

"She told me a few weeks ago. When I was asleep."

Dean stopped laughing, he dropped the smile and froze in place. "W-what?" 

"I only remember bits of the visit but yes, she told me about the time Ash dared you to eat as many candy straw sticks as you could until you threw up. I believe it was twenty or-"

"You heard?" He interrupted, shocked. Dean couldn't believe this. He acted like nothing had happened. That he wasn't aware of what happened the whole five months he was asleep and he hadn't said a thing. 

Cas looked hesitant. "Yes." He said carefully. 

And then it hit Dean on why he didn't want Cas to have heard. Because then now he knows Dean gave up. He knows Dean left him, told him to go. If he hadn't woken up, Dean would've left.  Or worse, Cas could've listened to him. It would've been on him that Cas died.

So Dean did the only thing he could. He looked away, with a lame excuse. "I'm sorry." he said, lowly and shamefully. Cas shouldn't forgive him. He left. 

His head bowed to fiddle with his fingers sheepishly as if he hadn't said anything; as if his body wasn't shaking with nervousness. No wonder Cas has been so distant. Why they hadn't talked about anything. He must be mad at him. 

"For?" Cas asked, looking at Dean incredulously, like there was nothing to be apologizing for.

Dean was confused. "I should've stopped them. Prevented you from getting hurt." Dean expressed, rubbing his hand through the grown out hair no longer in spikes. "I-" he stopped himself with a small scowl pointed at the tiled floor. _I shouldn't have left with everyone else_ , he wanted to say. 

His face scrunched up in anger and then guilt. They were just joking a minute ago and Dean had ruined the moment. Damn self conscious won't let him enjoy the moment.

"It wasn't your fault, Dean. There was no way we could've stopped this from happening. Luke had everything planned out. He knew just the right time to strike." Cas answered and Dean licked his lips looking into Cas' sincere stare.

Dean rolled his eyes unbelieving his friend. He shouldn't be making excuses for him. Cas now had health issues all because he was sleeping while they beat him right in front of his own house.

"You sound like you're okay with whatever could have happened." Dean said bravely, peeking into the possible conversation of the hundreds of questions he wanted to be answered.

Cas quirked an eyebrow quickly before it relaxed and he pulled his lip to the side with his teeth poking into his bottom lip lightly. "I see." He mumbled. "Yes, I guess I am." His voice was louder, clearer. 

Dean blinked slowly. "So if you died you wouldn't care?"

Cas shrugged and Dean looked away. He didn't know what to think.

"I don't know how to word this, but, if I was to die I'd be fine with that because it is what it is, but If I had a chance, a chance I had and chance I took, I'd fight. I did fight." Cas looked at Dean from the corner of his eye.

"Yeah?" Dean looked up with the ghost of a smile. Dean feels a hidden amount of joy. 

He motioned his hands in a small circle, mind flashing back to the letter. "What brought you back? I thought you didn't want to fight." Dean asked, lips parting wordlessly, wanting to say more. The letter, had different opinions, had said differently, very differently in fact, so Dean was confused as to what had changed so far.

"I didn't." He said simply.

Dean felt frustration peek in his nerves. His hands itched to scrub his face. None of this was making any sense. Dean looked around the room he knew like the back of his hand. "What was so special that brought you back?"

Cas turned his head and valiantly looked Dean in the eyes. "You." He said without missing a beat. Saying it like he meant it.

Dean waited a minute, sitting there frozen in place without blinking, and all Dean could think of was how messed up he truly was. Dean, with such low self esteem that his biggest crush was basically telling him that he loves him both in a letter and to his face, made him feel guilty.

Of all things Dean felt _guilty_ that his words to him were the same as everyone else's, a goodbye. He told him to give up instead of encouraging him to keep fighting.

"But I told you to let go. It wasn't like I was doing anything special." He sputtered out only getting more puzzled.

Cas tilted his head down with a tiny mod. "Yes, but you were there the entire time. Through all of it." He could just hear the 'And that's all that matters,' in his tone. 

Dean interrupted with a huff. He had been weak. He gave up. He wasn't supporting.

Cas ignored him and continued on. "You gave up for a few days, versus five months. I heard everything from friendly chatting to everyone's secret confessions but the one that stood out the most was you. You came here every night and sat in this chair for days at a time just to see me sleeping the entire time. Don't feel guilty for holding on as long as you could."

Dean stayed silent, feeling like he shouldn't be praised. He shook his head with a hidden grimace.

"Like it or not you insecure idiot,“ Cas barked, it was light but serious, ”I told you that you were the one. We were both confused, and now i’ve figured it out. It’s you that makes me want to come back and fight through this shitty world." Cas said stubbornly. He kept his eyes on Dean's bowed head the entire time, his gaze burning on Dean's head. "My hope, was in a human being. You were that human being."

Dea met his gaze. It was burning on his head. He owed Cas to look him in the eye. 

Cas seems to have figured something out in his head because Dean knows that look. He likes what he said.

Dean's lip curled up on one side of his mouth slightly, trying to ignore the small sudden warm feeling in his chest.

He continuously nodded his head slowly with his hands rubbing down his face. The smile wiped off his face in attempt to sober up. If they were getting sappy then this might be the perfect time to discuss the elephant in the room.

"The letter." Dean said lamely, and immediately regretting it. He sucked his bottom lip in. He felt like a kid asking his parent about a school crush. 

He heard a sigh next to him. Cas rubbed his hands over his legs hidden in the white blanket draped over the bed.

"You know me bare now." Cas said quietly.

Dean swallowed. "I know." He mirrored the same expression. Because it was true. It really had felt like he had read Cas’ messed up thoughts and they were messy up there.

How was he supposed to say he got a look into his friends equally messed up mind and fell even harder?

"I never knew why you would feel so strongly against your name. I didn't know why you had a panic attack each time someone said it, or how sad you'd get when someone would mention your real parents. I didn't understand why you wanted to escape so badly because it was our home. I thought why would you want to leave? I just - I never knew." He finished his raw ramble, just speaking whatever came into his mind. "You bottled everything away from me man. I felt like everything changed after that year." He admitted.

Cas frowned.

"Well know why now." Was all he said, and Dean scratched the irking spot he left tickling randomly on his neck, waiting for a better explanation from him.

After a few minutes he realized that was all he was going to say and he still hadn't replied. Dean looked down and then back up where he unexpectedly saw the plump lips quiver slightly with a glassy wall across his eyes. 

"But I had to find out from a letter you wrote years ago. What if you got worse? I wouldn't even have known if I hadn't found that letter. I mean, were you ever going to tell me?"

Cas ruffled his hair and left his only working hand behind the mop of messy curls. He shook his head once, "Honestly? No." Cas shrugged, and Dean thinks that imaginary train catches up with him, finally running him over. "That's why I think I need help." Cas says, it's quiet, almost scared.

"Okay." Dean replies quietly. "We can get you help again."

Cas nodded, turning his body away from Dean's sight with a silent cry.

The pair had done this countless of times, so he knew what to do. Dean got up from the seat wordlessly and slipped inside the plastic sides of the bed carefully where Dean sat beside him. His knee creaked painfully gross to hear but they ignored it.

Cas had his hands covering his face, body shaking and whatever Dean had said, he wouldn't look up. 

He lowered Cas' shaky hands benevolently in a way to tell him to let him in. It worked, as Cas undid his hands and pulled Dean in tightly.

They stayed like that for a while. Dean's shirt dampened more by the second but he only shushed him, simply petting his hair and whispering "It's okay." until he completely stopped shaking. 

Eventually, Cas had pulled away embarrassed, and rubbing under his eyes with loud sniffling. Dean waited until he was done trying to compose himself and softly took his face in both of his hands, guiding them to rest their foreheads against one another.

Both of their breathing fanned each others cheeks while red puffy eyes stared into the matching ones on the opposite face, gently holding his jaw while Cas held his neck.

Cas looked from one eye to the other, mouth parting. "Get met out of here." He said abruptly.

Dean chuckled lightly. "I don't think it works that way. You have to heal first."

Cas only shook his head, "No. Take me away. Away from this place; this town." Cas mumbled, he moved his thumb over Dean's cheek. He told him small details of a place they could get. Maybe to a place that would snow. They could convince Sam to come along, because they couldn't just leave him there. Maybe get a dog, or open up a business. 

Dean looked at him worriedly, "Okay." he nodded after a beat of smooth silence, because Cas sounded so desperate to leave here. Like he was afraid of it.

Dean let his eyes roam from Cas' hairline down to his chin to take in everything; even the smile lines around his resting lips or the purple pattern along his jaw. Dean's eyes met a bright electric hue of blue he missed desperately and leaned forward. This time there was no need for questions, he knew why. "I'll get you out. I promise." He mumbled against his lips.

They finally kissed. And then they kissed again, and then again. Once more before Sam came running in, looking weirded out and told them to keep it together when he’s in the room.

They laughed, they smiled and ate some gross pie that Cas’ aunt stole from the kitchen. Jallie cried some more, Dean told some awful jokes while Sam told him he wasn't funny despite laughing, and Cas, was in need of some painkillers again. It made him loopy, drunk even and told Sam he loved his hair. 

It was a long road for them all, but so far it was a great start.

Finally, everything was okay again. For real this time.

                                                                                          **T H E        E N D .**


	11. Sequel!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Dean move up north, but a few things get in the way before they can. 
> 
> WARNING: Cas has a panic attack, some depression seeps through and possible triggering mindset. The good warning, lots of fluff after the angst hehe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story may have not have been the best, or good at all and the chapters were kind of hectic with no meaning to anyone, but it was also the first and only book that i held so much interest in to write and finish. Here i am, still not bored or even slightly disinterested, so to me this books means a lot. It was 'therapy' or somewhere to escape when i felt terrible
> 
> Thank you to those that gave ‘Monster’ a second thought to read and especially tHANK YOU to those who gave kudos or commented. I had so much fun and i'm sad to end this. <3 <3 
> 
> I feel like i say this on a lot of chapters, but i planned to have this up yesterday or earlier today but i got last minute ideas and changed a lot so it's NOT edited after the new stuff i put it. If there's errors or it's bad please ignore it hehe

  **A few years later.**

 

As soon as Cas got the call he was at the cemetery. 

 

Cas knew Dean would be upset with him because he had taken off suddenly but he needed to do this. He needed to say his goodbyes. He needed to forgive and by the time this city was in his rear view mirror, Cas wanted to forget the bad. He had too.

 

Even if they didn't deserve his grieving, but after all, they were his parents. It only made sense to see the graves. 

 

So Cas maneuvered through the familiar patches of grass and sat across the name just over his head. The two graves engraved into one was next to him, but he had something to say first. 

 

His eyes scanning over the aging stone starting from the roses following the name and up at the cross attached to the stone so it would stand out. 

 

There was stains on his stone from different visits like the red lipstick from his mother on the weekend he died. The dirt that piled on the floor during the rare times it rained. Cas' carving of his own name despite his family's disapproval but he was just keeping a promise to his brother. 

 

"Hey, Gabe." He said quietly, curling into a small ball and dropping his gaze to the red roses he had planted a few days ago on his birthday. 

 

Gabriel would've been sixteen this year. He could've gotten a job, went to high school with a normal life. Maybe Cas would've fought harder. Maybe his parents wouldn't have picked up and left him with his aunt without any contact since. 

 

Maybe Cas wouldn't be so sad all the time. Maybe they could’ve been a happier family.

 

Cas lowered his eyes down at the roses curling up. They would die soon. Probably in a few days or a week at the most. 

 

  
_This is harder than i thought_ , Cas thinks. 

 

He was beginning to feel the same aching in his chest as he sat quietly. His heart rate slowed and he mentally played out memories of him and the young hazel eyed boy. He had been so young that when he last saw a genuine smile and not a sick, tired smile, his brother had only been four. 

 

He remembered it so clearly. 

 

Young Gabe was stubborn not eating his vegetables. Instead he wanted the cake that was on the counter just a few feet away from his chair. He begged and begged as best as his baby slurs could but he couldn't properly pronounce his S' and r's. He ended up saying "Pwease!" and banging his tiny fists on the table, earning a scowl from father but Cas would silently slip him a piece of his dessert under the table.

 

It had been chocolate cake and it was his favorite, but Gabe was crying, young Cas thought, slipping him a handful of crumbling cake in his fist. Both parents saw the brown crumbs and his guilty features but said nothing with small adoring smiles as Gabe quieted and ate the remaining food. 

 

The memory soon slipped into frowns from both parents. Calling him a bad brother for not keeping proper care of his baby brother. For leaving the windows open during the winter night. They'd went out. Left Cas to take care of Gabe without knowing how to do so, yet. 

 

Cas had only been little, so he didn't know what could happen. He hadn't known that getting sick could easily trigger Gabe into something bigger. He hadn't known he swore he didn't. 

 

Cas only opened the window because he couldn't reach the thermostat and Gabe was crying with red burning cheeks and forehead sweaty. 

 

"One thing, Castiel!" His mother would sneer in a shout, pointing a finger down at him. They got home to a cold house, said the air was on and took one look at an unhappy Gabriel. His lip would quiver but they both only seemed to fire up more. "We ask for one night away and you've managed to get your brother sick!" She shouted. Cas would look down scrunching the little bear tighter. Wishing they would just understand.

 

"I'm sorry." He slurred tiredly through the missing teeth in the front. No matter how much he sang for them to grow back he still remained toothless with a lisp his father complained about. But it wasn't his fault. They were taking a long time to grow back.

 

His mother scoffed down at him. "Disgrace. Castiel you're a disgrace." She muttered under her breath. His mother told him she didn't want to see him and swiped the crying little boy away to his new room.

 

They wouldn't let him stay with Gabe anymore. Castiel didn’t understand why. 

 

The hot wind nipped against his sweater. His pants were sticking to his legs starting to sweat and the bits of his forearm freed from the navy sweater were burning under direct contact. It felt weird being human again. The bodily function was like being a grown baby again, and the emotions took a bit longer to figure out from being so immune. 

 

It wasn't smart to be wearing this in almost a hundred and eleven degree weather but they were planning on going tonight, and tonight meant snow where they were heading. Beautiful, white snow. It'd be nostalgia. He figured he might as well be prepared with what he already had, and besides, he could wait it out long enough to do this. 

 

Cas emptied the air caught in his throat, telling the stone the story out loud. He was already frowning and and the voice in his head was telling him he'd never be able to do this. 

 

His head tilted downwards to close his eyes against his kneecap.

 

  
_I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can. Just like therapy_ , he repeated to the doubtful voice almost yelling now. Why was his father 

 

His head winced to the left, "I'm leaving for a while, Gabe." He started easily. Cas knew what he wanted to say but suddenly it had shuffled in his mind and he couldn't think of what he was going to say, like it shuffled and messed up the finished puzzle. The pieces scattered, unbroken. 

 

 

"I-" He fumbled with a frown. _Knew you couldn't do this._ His teeth sunk into the bottom lip and bit off with flesh. It hurt and it was gross swallowing the small amount of blood but it helped with the anxiety building up. 

 

It was bad enough he was frustrated, and the two feelings together weren't pleasant. 

 

 

"I was there for you." He began, his lip was quivering like the little boy he remembered sadly, terribly. "When you were.." He stopped for a minute, "I was there. Where was Mom and Dad to be seen when you were dying? Nowhere!" He boomed with a glassy wall building in his eyes. His eyes slipped over to the smiling faces on the grave to the right. It must've been recent. They had straying greys and wrinkles. 

 

It brought a pang of hurt through his chest. Cas' last memory was of his father looking down at him. They told him they were heading home to change their clothes since they were both dressed in suits. He immediately knew something was wrong when his father kissed his forehead and his mother held his cheek, gently. 

 

Something had to be, since they left in a hurry. Each parent took turns kissing Gabe and he heard a small goodbye. Cas followed them home, luckily the hospital wasn't very far so he walked. 

 

When he found the two with bags and makeup smudged into tears down mother's neck, he made himself shown and asked where they were going. Maybe packing a bag for the hospital, or they'd disappear for a few days. It wasn't knew, but it shocked Cas. They stopped once Gabriel got sick.

 

Father yelled, mother pointed insults before he finally talked back, demanded where they were going for packing more than half of their closet. Finally mother replied, coldly, "We're leaving for a little bit." 

 

Cas gasped, asking what would happen to Gabe and him. How the bills would be paid. How would he eat? They told him aunt Jallie would come over to the house, make sure he'd live. Lived, not taken care of, Cas noted his father's words. It stung, but he loved aunt Jallie. She loved him too. She didn't love Gabriel more than him, it was equal. 

 

He shook his head, with tears warming his cheeks and staining his eyes into a patchy red. He followed down the stairs with pleads, to not leave. He couldn't handle the pressure of his sick brother, he didn't want to be alone. He begged until they reached the door, finally he latched onto mother and plead once more. "I'm sorry, Castiel. We'll come back for you." She said, and they got into the car. 

 

Aunt Jallie moved in. Gabriel didn't make it. They came back after that, for the funeral and blamed Cas with everything they had before they left with a promise to come back for him. 

 

They didn't. 

 

His shaky finger pointed at the 'loving brother' statement on the stone. It was the last on the list at the bottom of everything, of course. 

 

"All they did was try to take me away from you. Like _i_ was the disease. Like i wasn't their child." He scoffed. Cas knew he should be angry with his parents for treating him so badly, because he knew it was wrong of them, but his mind had never been able to do that. They were his parents so of course all he had tried to do was get their approval instead. 

 

It never worked out.

 

"You blamed me, for everything. Hated me. For one thing. I don't- never, understood." He balled his hand into a fist with an angry sob. He was just so mad. Why did his family have to be so messed up? "And then you just left. The one thing, the only thing i asked, and you left. I plead. Wrote letters, called." 

 

"And then, suddenly when i'm gone, you come back." He shook his head. They heard that Cas was gone and came back to town. They died on their way to his funeral because they weren't in their right minds while driving. He was only now finding out, since the flower deliveries had stopped. Cas couldn't grasp it in his mind. They were finally coming back for him, and he was about to be taken to a lab. 

 

Cas' mind, because of them, constantly told him it should've been him under this stone. It probably wouldn't even be this nice, but it should've been him that got the family gene of the cancer.

 

  
_No_ , Cas shook his head fiercely. _"You want to tell yourself that, Cas, but look at the facts. When you're rational and you draw out the points then what is your answer?"_

 

"It wasn't my fault." Cas answered aloud harshly. He didn't believe it at first so he repeated it once more, then another. 

 

"I didn't give you cancer by opening that window, Gabe. It wasn't my fault." He said, yanking on the small wisps of his hair. His parents lied when they made him believe that. Heavy breathing landed on his kneecap and then cooled until another huff would warm the spot again. 

 

 

His body started to rock forward in the hunched ball under the setting sun, heart rate spiking and his body starting to shake violently. 

 

 

"It-" He sniffed pointlessly. He needed to say it until he believed it or else he couldn't forgive. He wouldn't be able to forget. 

 

Cas didn't go through all that therapy just to start over again. He didn't get a degree and buy new camera's not to get out of here and do something big for himself. 

 

He began to softly cry into his knee with the pang of sadness and guilt rising up into something more powerful. God, he’s so messed up in the head. He almost forgot just how much. 

 

The grave started to turn from grey rusting rock into black dancing spots when the sudden dizzy feeling erupted from shallow breathing. 

 

 

Cas heard light footsteps not to far away and he hoped they would just see him as a mourning person and move on. 

 

They'd see him crying in front of a stone and it would fall into place of where they were. They were here for dead people, of course he was crying. But the steps didn't stop. No, they got closer and closer, heavier and faster until he felt arms around his torso.

 

Cas immediately recognized the strong cologne and rusty leather scent. 

 

It was Dean hugging him. He would've smiled if it was a different situation.

 

He would've probably hugged back or said a simple excuse to him being fine, except the breathing became rougher and suddenly he was grasping him like it was Dean’s arm that could give him the oxygen he needed. 

 

He wasn't getting any air anymore, his eyesight was going out and he felt stuck. Stuck inside his body silently begging with fear. 

 

 

"Hey," Dean soothed. Cas felt warm hands grasp his cheeks and some of his neck. Cas could see bits of Dean's face through the black invading his sight, his lips mumbling as they rocked slower than he was doing previously. 

 

 

"Breath." He said, rubbing a thumb under his eyes. He wiped his damp thumbs on his jeans and then they would return and do the same until his eyes were dried up tears and red brimmed. 

 

"In," He lifted his chin to get his eye contact and Cas looked up at the green eyes slowly coming back to him. "Out." He breathed out heavily as well. 

 

He was so calming. Cas couldn’t help but follow. 

 

 

Cas inhaled, held it and then exhaled repeatedly until the black dots were gone and his breaths were just gulping air he now could catch. A few tears that built up in fear had trickled down his cheeks, slipping past Dean’s thumbs. 

 

 

He finally comprehended what Dean was repeating other than breathing exercises. 

 

 

"I've got you." Dean hushed. Cas looked up from the tilted posture with his body heaving up and down wildly, tongue licking over his lips and then left parted to return to panting. How did he knew he would be here? Did he hear everything? He did, didn't he? He probably found out just how messed up Cas really was. Again. 

 

As if he knew what Cas was wondering by the sideways glance of confusion mixed with everything else, he answered with nod. "Yeah, i heard." Dean admitted. 

 

Cas squinted, still breathing raggedly. "I came to say my own goodbye's too." He looked in the direction of two stones far away from them, answering his question. 

 

 

Cas returned his eyes after finding the two stones and frowned. Another secret was revealed yet again, he thought. 

 

 

Dean knew Cas didn't have the best childhood. He knew he always got yelled at, he knew he got blamed and outed. They both knew they didn't have the best parents, but actually sharing the memories of the real deal hadn't happened between them. They didn't talk about it much. Besides finding each other in the aftermath and focused on cheering each other up. 

 

 

Which was why Cas had deliberately not told Dean that his parents had reacted the way they did. Dean had most likely read about why Cas had grew up with the mentality he had from the letter, but he never heard the exact words of why. He purposely left out the insults his family would call him.

 

 

His mind raced as fast as his breathing started to hitch. "I don't know if I can forgive, Dean." He said eyebrows pulling together. 

 

His body sunk downward when he exhaled so Dean had to look down from perched on his knees while Cas was just on the ground. "I don't know if i can go. I'm sorry." He cried again. 

 

He was having a weak moment. Today was not a good day so far. 

 

"You have to let it go, Cas." He breathed, looking down for a few seconds then shaking his head. "You don't have to forget, Cas. You just have to let go. Not the memories, not the feeling, hell you can remember the damn hospital room layout if you choose, but let go of the pain, remember? Just like Barnes said."

 

Oh yeah, he forgot Dean was there that session. 

 

 

Cas hiccuped, shaking his head fiercely with his brother's sad smile hidden behind the big oxygen mask over his small face that was just bony. Why did a single picture hurt? 

 

Chubby cheeks had turned into bare cheekbones poking through. "I can't." He looked into the bright worried green eyes. "I can't just let go." He added frustrated.

 

 

Dean only sat quietly while Cas shouted in his face with built frustration and simply parted his mouth with his eyes set on his. "Letting go isn't the same as forgetting him." He echoed the therapist's words. It was so cliche and so far away to do. It made it even harder. 

 

 

"No." Cas shook. 

 

 

"Yes." Dean supplied. 

 

 

He looked into the distance of the empty graveyard. A bunch of ghosts were probably watching them right now, he wondered randomly. "I can't." He looked down at Dean's boots and Cas' own dirty boots. 

 

There was a hole beginning to gnaw through the side. "Yes you can." He jerked his hands forward along with his head. "Be strong for me Cas. You can do this." Dean said. 

 

He was close to Cas' face with wide eyes and his upper lip flexed so it was skinnier and his teeth showed. "Do it for Gabe. Do it for me. Do it for yourself. Something man. Find your reason.“

 

 

They waited in silence. Cas was too ashamed to look up again while Dean sat blankly watching every blink he did. A small voice in his head told him to ignore it, apologize and see if Dean was willing to go and be free, something Cas couldn't do. 

 

But then the late conversations he and Dean had about opening their own shop popped in his mind. Possibly a bakery or coffee shop, while Cas could work on his photography on the side, it immediately made his heart jump in excitement. He wanted that. He almost had that. They were so close, all they had to do was make the move and present the shop. 

 

 

It always seemed like a daydream he could never get out of his mind. Something he couldn't reach; but now they were so close. They both worked hard and saved up, planned everything out and worked for it. All they had to do was leave now and they could do it. They had it already, it wasn't just a daydream anymore. 

 

 

Cas thinks Gabe would want that for him. He might've been a small guy and not very wise at such a young age, but he would want this for his brother. He knew that without a doubt. 

 

Whenever he heard Cas got in trouble for even looking at the cookie jar Gabe would be the one to share the cookie he got for not peeing his pants that night. All for the smile Cas would give him. It would be the same support for this. 

 

 

Cas felt the sinking sadness seep away slowly, slowly fading into something else. Dean kept getting closer and closer until forehead barely touched his own sweaty one. 

 

"Come on, Cas. Don't keep doing this to yourself. You got nowhere before. This is your chance to get out, so don't keep holding yourself back."

 

 

The sadness, guilt and his sobbing had slowly stopped and he was left with his beating heart, shaking body and his boyfriend almost kissing his cheek. Affection seeped its way with the exhaustion as his body all sunk into the embrace jelly like. It felt like the type of nostalgia he wanted to feel when seeing the snow, just sitting there in the embrace. 

 

Cas' voice cracked so he cleared his throat even though his answer was a soft whisper, "It wasn't my fault." He said, looking from Dean to the stone. 

 

This time he saw the little smile of his baby brother in a diaper with chubby cheeks and bright hazel eyes staring innocently at him. The feeling stays instead of changing into a dark scowl at him behind the insults thrown at him. Because he didn’t let them.

 

Because no, Castiel was not responsible for a scientific disease. He didn’t kill his brother. He didn’t cause his insane and shameful family the way they were. It wasn’t him. He sees that now. 

 

Dean opened his eyes and smiled down at him with Cas only staring back blankly, and then shocked. It had worked. He let go without pushing away. Dean ran his arms around Cas' body familiarly. It felt good and comforting on him so he leaned into the gentle glide from his shoulder and half way down his leg. 

 

"Come on, we've gotta pack a few more things and we still have to say goodbye." Dean bobbed his head towards the direction they both came from.

 

They were both smiling. 

 

He helped Cas' fragile body from the ground. The pain starting in his back and some in his stomach in reminder each day of how lucky he was to fight through his problems. But Dean helped. Dean waited patiently and grabbed his waist to hold his frail body from the warm grass. 

 

 

Dean had also leaned into the help he supported as much as they could. The two boys walked to the Chevy impala, stopping to lightly kiss the two stones marked Mary and John before they made it into the car, hands linked together. 

 

 

                                                                                  ++++++++++++++

 

  
**** _A few lazy days later._

 

 

Dean shut the back of the big moving truck with a grunt, wiping the sweat with the back of his hand. "You got everything?" he asked and Cas looked up from wheeling a few bags with a single box in his hands that read 'Dean and Cas.’

 

 He didn't answer right away because he had a certain idea running through his head. 

 

"One second." He said through the bag handle he had in his mouth. He walked over to the front of the truck and opened the passengers seat and threw the bags all aside, except for the one in his mouth.

 

 He opened the bag in his mouth, swiping away the saliva from the handle first, but unzipped it and got out a his favorite camera out of the total of three he had now. 

 

 

He opened the back of the camera and made sure there was enough film. 

 

There was, so he closed it with a click and dragged the bag down onto the floor. Cas picked up the wooden box and put it on the dashboard of the car where a single shine of the setting sun landed on the chipping label. 

 

 

He climbed in the seat halfway and pulled the camera to his eye, he sucked his lip in concentration and held for a minute until he found the perfect spot. 

 

_Click!_

 

Cas pulled away and set the small photo pushing out from the top, he set the undeveloped photo on top of the box and climbed back out. 

 

"Dean?" He called slamming the door of the big truck. 

 

He looked to his right to find him talking with his mom so he made his way over to them. 

 

 

"You make sure to call me as soon as you guys arrive, alright?" She ushered him, mumbling into a tissue that was wrapped around her index finger. She held it under her nose with a sniffle, and when she saw him she pulled him into a hug with a small cry. "I can't believe you're leaving me." 

 

 

"I know." He breathed, snuggling his head in the crook of her neck to catch her scent one last time. "But we're only a few hours away. We can easily visit." He said, pulling away. "Can you take one last photo of me and Dean in front of the houses?" He asked shyly. 

 

He looked back at Dean while she took the camera from his hands. 

 

She agreed with a small comment about how he'll have to send her a copy, and Dean laughed. 

 

Cas directed Dean in the small patch of green grass in between the two houses. He picked the exact spot so both houses would be behind them and they would be right in the middle below the windows across from each other. 

 

 

Dean pulled his arms around Cas' waist while he leaned against his shoulder with a big smile. Cas waited for the click and suddenly there was a quick motion behind his back as he felt Dean's chuckle rumble through him too. "Smile!" She called from behind the camera. 

 

_Click!_

 

They stayed for a few seconds while the short woman walked over slowly with her eyes set on the top of the camera for the film to come out. 

 

"Thanks." Dean looked at Cas' aunt when he spoke but stayed put with his hands rubbing Cas' back softly in small circular movements.

 

She looked up, giving back the camera then cloudy picture developing into eye catching green grass and two smiling boys. Cas smacked Dean when it finally loaded, seeing two fingers behind his head and a smug smirk on Dean's face for getting away with it. He wondered how his aunt didn't laugh.

 

 

His aunt cried a few more times. Cas took a few last pictures including his aunt smiling and his favorite tree nearby along with a long lecture from Charlie claiming that she will never forgive him if he didn't get Skype and visit, before they were heading off. Ellen, Bobby and Jo were coming to help with moving within a few days, so they would say goodbyes then.

 

 

The two of them had made plenty of trips beforehand so all they had to do was drive the rest of their items back up to their apartment they were mostly settling into. They were just getting ready to finally settle in the new town for good. 

 

Dean had collected the keys to their new shop so they'd be moving a few things into there and start cleaning it up by tomorrow. It was exciting. 

 

They it made a few minutes into the cities traffic when Cas raised his camera once again, he looked through the small lens and positioned the picture so it would focus on Dean with the blurry city lights in the background. _Damn, i should do this professionally,_ he thought pressing down on the button. 

_Click!_

 

Dean quickly looked over in surprise. "Would you quit it?" He snapped, no venom behind it. 

 

Cas looked away fanning the small picture and when it developed he admired the pictures he took. He opened the box on the dashboard and gently set the precious pictures on the top of the letter Cas had written. 

 

He leaned forward in the squeaky chair and turned the radio up with a random rock song Dean seemed to approve of. A few seconds later Cas couldn't help but reach his hand across the small middle seat with a wave of happiness coursing through him. 

 

_This was it_ , Cas thinks. _I’m finally getting out._

 

Those three words they spent hours upon hours talking about under the skies about leaving this town. During the rising, during history class when they learned about new countries and states around them and during their roughest times. You could say it was their 'dream.' 

 

Cas linked their hands together, looking at each other briefly before looking away. 

 

Dean at the road and Cas pulling a pair of ray ban sunglasses over his eyes to block the orange sun in his eyes. Next to him, Dean quietly hummed while Cas rubbed his thumb over the rough skin on top of his knuckles with his eyes closed, a small contempt smile on his lips as the city passed by them in a blur.  

 

Soon it would be in their rear view mirror.

 

Here they come, Flagstaff.  

 

                                                                                 ++++++++++

 

 

Dean opened the door, as soon as they pulled up, jumping out of the truck. "Sammy!" He turned with a big smile. "We made it!" He cheers, grabbing his brother for a hug and Cas hears one of them slapping another on the back.

 

 

Sam chuckles, stepping back and clearing his throat. "It's Sam now. Sammy is a chubby twelve year old." He tilts his head. Cas spots a blonde next to him, he smiles behind his hand. 

 

 

"Trying to impress your girlfriend, huh?" Dean teased. Cas makes his appearance from hiding behind the truck with the box and a few bags in hand, the camera bumping against his chest as he struggles forward with the pile of stuff. He stops in front of the blonde girl next to Sam and sees Dean and Sam have a conversation with their eyes. 

 

 

"Dean." Cas warned. 

 

 

"What?" He steps backwards to look at him but Cas gives him a warning look through the soft smile. They didn't need a peeved Sam with their new stuff.

 

He held it for a few seconds before Dean scoffed, he dusted his hands off and smiled. “Jess!" He extended his arms for a hug that she returned as quickly as his arms wrapped around her. 

 

"Not girlfriend just yet." The blonde girl giggled, looking up at Sam and then Dean. "It's good to see you again, Dean." She said against his chest with her head peeking from over his shoulder. Dean nodded, keeping his arms around her, he looked up at Sam with a smirk while Cas stepped forward next to Dean in silence. 

 

He's heard a bunch from both Sam and Dean about Jess and Dean mentioned hanging out with them a few times but Cas never got the chance. Apparently she was the second smartest student to get the special opportunity to take the classes from an actual court place, or at least that's what Cas thinks it is. 

 

Either way he was happy for both of them for working so hard as it obviously paid off. 

 

 

"Hello. I'm Castiel." He pronounced, probably more awkwardly than needed but he quickly breathes through the grimace and nauseating feeling of disgust he felt hearing the name. It's progress. "Sam talks a lot about you." He tries chuckling, shaking her hand in a calm but firm grasp. He was getting better now. He didn't have an attack when he had said it this time. 

 

It must have convinced her because she smiled brightly at him under the light from the street light. Cas steps backwards further into the touch Dean offered, looking up at him who looked to be smiling proudly. 

 

Jess tucked a blonde strand behind her ear. She stepped forward in a pair of jeans and plain striped sweater, her arm extended along with her smile. "He does?" She looked up at Sam, who shied away to get some of their stuff out of the trunk, mumbling something under his breath. "I'm Jess." She turned back to him. 

 

"Pleased to meet you." He exhales, trying to avoid those thoughts. Therapy had told him it wasn't good. That he needed to overstep his fear, or trigger, and work on it.

 

She let her hand go at the same time Cas felt a hand around his stomach as a reminder to keep breathing. "So, you guys are planting here?" She motioned to their mostly empty shop behind them. It was dark, dusty and empty inside. 

 

 "Yep." Dean looked up through the night. A smile of pride on his lips. The space they had found was fairly smaller than the first time they had eyes on it but looking at the outside, they both suspected it would be more than enough and to add onto the perfect fit, that they were close to the their apartment with a ten minute drive.

 

"We should be opening in a few days." Cas added in. Jess nodded and excitedly asked about the future design while Sam opened the back of the truck and climbed in. A second later Dean followed and soon they came out with a set of round tables they had bought and newly painted. Dean asked Cas to get the keys from his pocket so when they got up there he would be able to unlock it for them. 

 

Cas did as asked and they start to walk forward in slight sways with their legs in sync. Jess and Cas grab a few new things and followed the two quickly so they didn't have to wait long in front of the door. Cas has to speed walk across the empty street where they were standing with the tables across from the door while Dean was starting to make noises. 

 

He unlocked the door and ran out of the way for them to walk in and set the tables in a pile Cas directed them to. Once they set the pile down and Jess the kitchen supplies box, they all went back to the truck for more stuff. 

 

"We shouldn't have decided to move our stuff in at night." Dean wheezed, holding onto one side of the metal stand with Jess and Sam holding the frames together. All of them were struggling with tired complaints and red faces until they got everything from the truck and piled messily into the echoing walls. The place really needed some sweeping. 

 

Sam and Jess both stayed for a while after that. 

 

They helped put up Cas' pictures he had collected from their old houses, while Dean put together the tables and Sam was in the kitchen making food and occasionally putting away the stuff from boxes. With the four of them, they got a lot done by the time they had left. Cas couldn't be more grateful for them helping at such a late hour. 

 

The two of them finally followed the tired guests down the hallway and in front of the truck. Dean closed the door and locked all three doors on the U Haul, turning around with his keys swinging from his index finger. 

 

"You guys picked a nice place." Jess said. 

 

Sam looked at her and then switched his eyes from Dean to Cas. Nodding in agreement. "Yeah. With Dean's baking and your decoration ideas you'll be filled with business in no time. Including us."

 

 "Thank you," Says Cas. He’s smiling at the both of them. Next to him Dean turned his head to look over Cas and at the new bakery they will have open in new time. It makes Cas both nervous and excited. 

 

 "Well i'm beat. We'll see you later though. We still on for the game on Saturday?" Sam inquired into the hug. He pulled back in expectation looking at the two of them.

 "Course." Dean snorted, turning to hug Jess while Cas turned to Sam, who pulled him into a bear hug with a slap on the back, whispering into his ear before pulling back. "Take care of him." Cas nodded and Sam caught the movement with a nod of his own. 

 

Jess walked towards him, fixing her shirt and then looking up with her hair pulled into a messy bun. "It was really nice meeting you. I hope to see you on Saturday if you're not busy?"

 

 "I'll be there." Cas promises, holding her small shoulders against his chest. She pulled away and the brothers stopped talking as well and they got in Jess's car with waves. Cas walked behind Dean, slinging his arm over his collar bones as he swayed them once the car was out of sight. Dean waved once more at nothing before turning around.

 

"Welcome to our bakery." He beamed. 

 

Cas turns his head to look at their new business before turning back to him and leaned forward with a kiss on the lips. It was brisk and simple, but it was enough to make Cas' heart flutter in happiness and Dean grin before it ended. Dean kept the big smile on his face when Cas repeated it back to him in a whisper. 

 

"Come on, let's take this toast to the car and watch the stars." Cas suggested at the napkin wrapped snack he had grabbed from the edge of the truck, excited to have his favorite snack again. Dean agreed and Cas dragged him to the shiny impala under the moon.  

 

When they got there Cas noticed Dean hadn't immediately got on the car so he looked behind him. The older blonde stared at the car he had spent a couple days without using and jerked his head to Cas. His eyes were slightly big and he had lost color in his face. Cas can’t help but think of the conversation the two had. 

 

Dean had told him that he kept looking between the two because seeing him alive would remind him of all the blood and shaking, so Cas smiles reassuringly and lightly ushered him forward until Dean climbed on hastily with their shoulders touching under the night sky. It was progress for him, too. It usually took a bit longer. 

 

 

"Are you okay?" Dean asked timidly after a few bites. He didn't look at Cas when he spoke, instead took a big bite from his nutella toast.

 

 "What?" He answered in a question. He felt fine. Was he doing something that said otherwise? 

 

 "Are you okay here. You know, happy and stuff. You're good right?" Dean repeated. He licked the edged of his mouth with a loud smack of his lips after the big bite he took. 

 

 "Yeah." Cas answered honestly, nodding his head. "Very happy actually." Cas chuckled genuinely. "You okay?" He swiped a finger in warm mix on his napkin, licking his fingers. He looked up with his honey and peanut butter toast, taking a bite and smiled at the dopey eyed boy next to him mirroring the same affectionate smile. 

 

 "Yep." He bumped Cas on the shoulder, looking up at the sky. "I've never been better." 

 

Dean looked away to finish off his toast while Cas was slowly getting there. Minutes passed by before Dean spoke again. "Proud of you, Cas." He said.

 

 Cas looked away from the big star he settled on staring at. Turning to face the smile that made his body react as if he was still silently pining in the inside. "I'm proud of you too, Dean." He replied honestly.

 

 Dean nods at Cas' words in thanks, who pulled him tight in the chilly night. Cas looks up at the stars while Dean kisses his forehead and rest his head against the top of Cas' curls. He ran his hand up the arm holding the toast to warm the two of them as they sat in more silence.  

 

 

Dean hums suddenly, cursing he takes the last bite of his toast. He pulls the camera from the rope on Cas' neck while Cas stands still in confusion next to him.

 

"This is the last one. This one is important." He said between the toast, crumbs falling on the side of his mouth. Cas rolls his eyes at the clumsy handling, but agreed wordlessly as Dean raises his arm with the camera facing the two of them one last time. 

 

 

"Smile, Cas." He muttered. Cas' cheek against his moved meaning he did smile, and so did Dean. He gave the camera a genuine, heart felt smile. 

 

_Click!_

 

Dean pulled the camera down to the them. He asked Cas if he had a pen, and luckily he had a sharpie in his back pocket from labeling the boxes. He handed the small stick to him and asked what he wanted with it. He was going to do this earlier, but got distracted by all the goodbyes. 

 

 Dean ignored him though and carefully turned the undeveloped picture onto the white frame on the back, scribbling the three words first. He added the date so they could remember and handed the picture over to a confused Cas.

 

Cas took the picture, looking at him for a minute silently before switching his gaze on the picture with Dean watching over his shoulder. 

 

The picture mostly developed now. Showing Dean smiling with bunny ears behind Cas' head (again) and Cas with peanut butter on his teeth and crumbs on the corner of his mouth.

 

 

Cas colors, wanting to pull the picture away but Dean stops him. With a nervous look and sweaty palms he tells Cas to turn the picture around. He'd gotten the idea from Cas, it was his own words. He had looked so excited with the idea from the book. So Dean did it. It was easier than saying it, because Dean was chickenshit but Cas would like it. Remember it. And Cas loved that romantic crap, so it was a win-win. 

 

Cas does as told, turning it around until he sees the small letters written. In shiny black, permanent marker it reads,

 

_‘Dear Cas,_

_I love you._

_June 8th, 2016. Moving day.'_

 

Cas traced over the three words with his thumb, tracing over each letter over and over again. He looks up at Dean. He got nervous suddenly, not only for it being the first time saying it, or expressing it but because he can't read Cas' expression. Maybe he was realizing that he didn't want this. 

 

Eventually though, the moment Dean hoped he wouldn't get rejected, Cas looked back at a nervous Dean blushing his cheeks off and grinned from ear to ear and finally leans forward with a kiss on his cheek and mumbles, "Me too." in response. 

-

 

 

The bakery does really well. Surprisingly. Everyone loves them, and Dean's pies. Jess and Sam eventually do date and when they announce it, Cas hangs up the polaroid picture he took of the two in the bakery. He finally saw Sam blush. 

 

 

 

 They get a dog that turns into two, Cas doesn’t know how he convinces Dean of this, but Dean doesn't complain or call them mutts when they jump on the couch or lick his hands.  

 

Charlie moved upstate with Gilda not too long after and they both help out at the bakery frequently. They work on getting their own soon. Jo ended up following not long after, despite Ellen not being happy about it, but Jo was stubborn. Jallie ended up getting with that doctor, now happy and not so lonely. The three boys approved of him once they saw the smile on her face and the house in nice condition due to him. 

 

Cas gets much better, happier and so does Dean. There's bad days, not so good days and great days, but they make it through with the support of their family. 

 

 

 T H E  REAL  E N D.


End file.
